My growth in 2022.

  1. I learned how to emotionally regulate myself.. recalibrate. come to presence, fully.
  2. Created my own daily happiness. I can turn the hardest days into pure light. music, smells, the space, movement. i dance, sing, decorate, paint. I light up a room when i walk in and create as the human sunshine. (literally my nickname at work).
  3. Yoga classes- i make them up as I go completely. read the room – its become an art form for me. sequencing, syncing, moving
  4. moving for my heart- not for miles or yards or speed or calories. just to feel good in my body. holy f*ck if old me saw this version
  5. writing– at the end of yoga i make up my own poems and sayings. students come up to me after class and ask me to send them what i read regularly… but i cant. it was in my head and out into the ether and then its gone. I also write a lot more in my journal, or on my blogs.
  6. How to shift out of rumination- this was probably the HARDEST but most important growth i had. it took so much work because my brain was so wired in trauma and fear.
  7. My anxiety decreased 80%. SSRIs and ketamine save lives. actually. trauma is no fucking joke. but its possible to rewire. we are meant ot be malleable and change. its what makes humans so beautiful. Part of that was hitting rock bottom- where it frankly could not possibly get worse, and the other half leads me to the next number.
  8. HEALED MY GUT!!!!!! – truly the most remarkable. i got myself back. she went under for 7 years. I couldnt put it into words but i was living in someone elses body and therefore anxious mind for a full seven years. i finally feel like me again. lol crying typing this. like… when you lose yourself for the better half of a decade coming home again is everything.
  9. How to listen. AND how to listen with curiosity. this was hard for me- but i have started really listening to the softer speakers the last 4 months or so. i used to bulldoze over with my big personality (Which i do love that i have a big personality) but ive realized that i never asked enough questions. I also realized that when i felt threatened i used to what i like to call “listen with a charge”. That has shifted to a place of security in myself.
  10. I have repaired many of my relationships- the ones that suffered the last 3 years. I have shown the fuck up for my friends.
  11. I have developed actual confidence from the inside out rather than validation and “reassurance”.
  12. I respond in conflict rather than react (This one i am still working on a little but for the most part it has genuinely improved.night and day.)
  13. How to drop the expectations. people let us down. what they say and what they do does not always align or make sense. fuck them. do you. as long as you show up in integrity for yourself and your ppl- the wrong ones who havent figured it out yet will automatically filter and shift to different vibrations/energy.
  14. I love with less attachment – this is partially a trauma response. i am interested to see how this shifts in 2023– but its the truth.
  15. drop the fear. this goes along with confidence- but i am stepping into and saying and doing things i never could have imagined me ACTUALLY doing even a year ago (like yall… i am in pre calculus online rn, to prove to my 19 year old insecure self that we fucking have this). LOL ,.. yes i am still myself. and do insane things like this. its a semi secret… i am no longer so “bad” at math.
  16. i finally listen to my damn gut. i ignored that shit for 2 years and emotionally abused someone i loved in the process. so bad. my largest regret in my life – was not walking the fuck away on nov 12, 2018. i wish i could do it 100x over. instead i loved someone else more than i loved myself. overrode my gut and what my body was screaming which was cut and heal.
  17. Deepened my relationship with meows. its been she and i against the world this year. i feel so much more connected to her and we have developed new tricks and cuddle positions.
  18. I know my worth- in work, in friendships, at yoga, romantically. I no longer shrink and play small. i knwo i will get the positions/classes/ opportunities/ guy/ whatever. not worried about it anymore. if it dont happen, fuck it. (ugh i wonder how much of this leaving was related to gastroparesis,. bc this just feels like old me returning)
  19. writing, an entire damn book that my heart and soul and life story pours through the pages. we turn pain into art. looking for a publisher.
  20. Cultivated community- I plan and put together things often. i Bring groups together, plan trips, cook people dinner, organize exercise events. gonna cry when i leave this community in a month
  21. I am a competent integrative NP– 23 year old savvy is cheering me on. it was fucking tough but i hold space and get shit done in there. i have seen vast improvements in my patients and tell them the entire truth when they ask me why i am leaving. they all know my life story. it brings us closer.
  22. I have actually started leaning into the journey rather than demanding and needing to know guarantees, outcomes and destinations. sometimes it really is better not to know (2019-2021 savvy is rolling over in her grave in shock, jaw to floor.. i know).

    I could really go on further here but i think ill stop. 22 for 22 feels right. other things like excessive sleep and waffles out the ass are also a part of this year. hosting retreats, self advocacy and healing. rock bottom that almost killed me. facing rehab and therapy and suicidal thoughts… also all there. all so real. and all made me so much stronger.

working with taz tomorrow and then need to film several corporate videos for elsie while nobody is in studio thanksgiving eve. im excited to have my favorite holiday back. like i feel the most whole goign into thanksgiving that i have since the trauma in 2018. its like i have my family again. i have my soul again. i have my heart again. i love myself again. i am loving my life again. i have no desire to date or bring another person into my energy. i have way more healing to do. i am loving my girlfriends and male friends and the energy i bring into my life. the egg freezing brings up so many hard emotions for me. and that will undoubtedly be a hard part of ’23 for me. so much money. but i knew. my gut knew. we live and learn.

Quote of my 20s: cucumber is the meat of a vegetarian sandwich

Quote of my thirties: peanut butter takes a smoothie from snack to meal

so much love

xx

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