chatted today with an instructor about how to create your own light. She says she has watched me become happy. she says the entire time shes known me since i started in 2020, she hasnt seen me happy. that made me sad momentarily, but it got me thinking. the truth is, REAL light – comes from darkness. isolation. knowing the bottom. on the otherside- once you pull yourself out. its pure light. everything feels a little bit like magic again. fresh fruit, warm sunshine, the smell of coffee beans. The smile of someone you love. you move through your days differently. almost like you feel the weight of this lifetime. how little time we actually have. sleeping becomes more sacred, loving comes above all arguments and pain, forgiveness comes quickly. I am no longer in the market of losing, but I have left the market of keeping no matter what. i think some things are meant to die to be reborn again. sometimes in a new form, other times in the same form with different perspectives. I had darkness as a child, but did not face it. i shoved it. bulimia, body image, drinking in high school. then i got into a relationship and kept pushing through but the anxiety from all my unresolved shit was bursting at the seams. the infidelity was the complete breaker for me. i fell apart – but still did not face my darkness. i dove into matts with him, and deflected/ punished. of course this is retrospect, i didnt see that at the time.
the first time i ever faced darkness? was by myself in that aircast. winter 2022. holy hell. suicidal thoughts. days without moving. days without eating. my own mind swallowing me up whole with regret. replays on repeat. the rumination and self hatred and fear crippled me. the dreams and life path i worked on for an entire decade became slippery ice. cold and impossible to travel down. i could keep trying, but i was barefoot. only so long until i got frostbite. trapped. in a career that is not one i ever envisioned, in a pla ce i wanted to leave, without the person i wanted to spend my life with despite knowing how unhealthy things had turned. knowing in my gut we both needed to grow and evolve. in that darkness though – all i wanted was love. but instead, i had to learn how to find love within myself. it was a slow painful journey. weeks to months. completely paralyzed. alone. yet showing up to work and yoga status quo. trying to stay a rock for my support system. but i fell.
but the light. its coming from a part of me that i didnt even know i had in me. radical self love and acceptance. its unlike anything ive ever experiened before. my entire demeanor feels nothing like me and the most like me at the same time. its a shedding of a layer. exposure. deep deep love. i had to somehow learn how to accept and integrate the dark shadow side that came out. im still working on it. but now i get it. we all have shadow sides. its what allowed for forgivenss. my empathy exploded. my perspetive on the world shfited (Absolutely for the better). i am a much better human being than i was a year ago.
I wish I would have had the strength to do this along side Matt. But he had to be dragged Into the work and I hyper focused on his work out of self protection. I didn’t do mine. I became emotionally toxic. Even when he leveled up I was at my emotional bottom. It took leaving for us both to expand. It could have happened together. But it would have required him to stand up firmly and me to stop control and hyper vigilance (ptsd treatment). I need to do a post on my ptsd because it is so so real. Once your nervous system actives it’s truly so hard to bring it down. You must get out of the stimulus that hurt you. I never did that. I stayed connected to what hurt me. Therefore no healing was possible for me in that space.
It’s hard to know I’m leveling up and ready to show up and be the partner for him I always knew I could be but he doesn’t want to see me in expansion or love. It’s hard to accept and sit with. But simultaneously a good thing. I don’t need to show up for someone who doesn’t want me. rejection is happening FOR me. i truly believe that. i know one day i will see the full blown why and i think ill look back and be thankful. in some ways, i already am.
My shadow sides mixed with his shadow was a terrible explosion. Yet sometimes i find myself wanting to give him a lot of my light. Bc he is what got the dark. And I still love him. So of course I want to show him who I am and who I became. It’s ok that he doesn’t want to share his back. I know I deserve my light regardless and it’s beautiful. The most radiant version of sav that has ever existed. I’m so open and loving. So accepting. So fun. I feel like the best version of myself I possibly could be. I’m also still hurt.
i used to pick up “tools” but i didn’t practice them. they were easy to read and learn about and theorize. but now, i practice them without reading them. they are naturally just coming out of me. spitting out of all parts of me. its seeping into my work, my friendships, how i teach classes, my family relationships. im constantly complimenting people — i am not even critical of myself anymore. i see the positive side. glass half full (what?!) lol. acceptance is a beautiful thing. i play a lot. i get excited. i inspire and lift up my community. i DANCE. a lot. who knew….
of course- i still feel sadness. i cry most days. i move through the hard stuff sustainably lol. i used to have no concept of what that meant. My nervous system is my foundation. i have learned that if i am dysregulated, forget everything else. its game over. may as well leave me to die. kidding,,, but seriously my nervous system is not to be played with. its inevitbale, but now i know how to tame it. gets easier by the day. when i am regulated, i am my best self. the last time i was regulated before the lsat 3 months was in 2016… (not even sure it was fully regulated then).
the biggest lesson ive learned in my second decade about myself is that when im hurt- i need to remove myself. I will heal. i will forgive. i will rise. AND i will want to re-enter. I have one friend that i lost in 2020 that i am not interested in rebuilding with. Otherwise, i feel like ive turned new pages. they are new pages but the ink thats filling the lines are only about 1/3 of the way thrgouh. all that to say- i need to proceed with caution.
I am signing up to face my fears and shit. healing is the most amazing thing in this world. i am starting to heal people around me. i am actually speaking at a brewery on monday. i am starting to share snippets of my writing and story. there will be around 100 people there. im going to talk about my shadow side. share with the world the darkest part of me that came out. and how i found self love on the other side. (but also that im still working on the self forgiveness bc lets be real aint nobody perfect)