walking the path

I wasted so much time wating for a path to appear.

I didnt realize that paths are made by walking, not waiting.

In the waiting our shadows take a chokehold on us.

I waited 3 years. for answers. to forgive. In my own self pity. for some way that matt would provide me with internal safety. The idea of holding his hand and jumping into the abyss scared the living shit out of me.

its been in the complete abyss alone with no direction to turn that ive started walking my own path. Major realizations hit me by the day. They change me. My wiring. My understanding and how I operate in the world. It’s good. no program no structure no guarantee. It’s hard. It hurts. But needed.

Im doing this for myself. I only ever knew how take charge and hyper vigilantly tell ppl what to do. Lol. My fight of flight wiring and bossy nature. In a calm place it all clicks. I see myself so clearly. I cringe. But instead of long term judging myself I know I’m not that way anymore.

my 1 way leaves in January.

my eggs are being frozen for my future family

Im getting 500 hour certified because it lights me up.

making deep connections that also are filled with light fun mean everything to me.

I love teaching and i find myself pushing new edges every time i teach a private. I love highland, but its time we go our separate ways. I need to expand my niche of yoga. outside the box.

I am writing a book.

i feel electric as i organize chapters and content. filling pages with truths and lessons and all the things that have made up my 30 years.

The chapter Im starting tonight is called the quiet souls have the most to say. (obvi inspired by Matt never stating his feels/ thoughts and me telling him what to do when In reality I was wrong and hurt a lot. I give lots of examples of me royally fuckin up. Being demanding. Making poor decisions. Etc and how the quiet pleasing mind followed).

ive reflected and wrung myelf dry in the lessons and im sorrys from what happened with matt and how i hanled conflict w him and my parents. i have started to do it less and less in my own time, and more when i write. i think its healthier. i am actually moving through this grief. its amazing. to feel momentum. It is also allowing for sustainable change for me. Rumination nearly killed me. i was so stuck. So sick.

he made the comment “what was i supposed to do, say no stay in miami and forgive me?” and i wanted to scream back YES. tell me not to sleep with people. tell me you want me to stay. tell me you want me where you are. instead it was always “whataeve you want to do sav”. i realize now, it was projection. he wanted that space and freedom from me. i was the opposite. i was smothering and obsessive and crazy bc i needed more of that from him. maybe not to the extreme i took it- but i wanted to feel like he cared more. the problem is, the way the other person cared and showed love was the opposite of what we each needed. it was a profound realization i had.

It’s crazy bc I feel like I can see all the problems so objectively now. I do see that he wanted me and loved me. I get why he was so scared and frustrated. I was impossible lol. I had so much work to do and wasn’t doing any of it. Instead I stopped living and instead disappeared into a puddle of anxiety and anger and resentment.

Other majors :

I am taking bubbe to morocco

I am learning to surf.

i aM Falling asleep writing this lol. airport 1am from st. croix. meows very active all night. full patient schedulel, took and taught yoga. have not yet unpacked. another full day and corporate yoga filming tomorrow.

Xx

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