Victim v Empowerment

playing victim keeps you stuck. i did this for 6 years (or really maybe all of my life ). Absolutely post infidelity and the entire time i had gastroparesis. life keeps kicking us in our asses until we learn. I didn’t listen to the whisper. It took a 4×4 to the head. this has been my biggest lesson in life to date. What has grown me the absolute most.

I thought i had mastered this skill with my resiliency in childhood. As it turns out, I had done none of the work. as soon as I had a partner i trusted, i depended on him and let myself lean into all the unprocessed hurt from my entire life. And took it out on him. Expected him to tend to me and hold me through so much. I was not independent emotionally at all. I turned a cold shoulder to my parents. Like i couldn’t take any more pain or dysfunction. My coping mechanism ? Criticize. Myself. Others. Partner. Parents. I was invalidating AF. I can’t believe people opted to be around me or somehow found love for me. I barely feel like I was lovable.

taking accountability and responsibility for ourselves sets us free.

its about owning our shit. Easier said than done. sometimes, it takes either being called out a couple times (preferred) or losing people (my reality) to start doing this – lets be real self awareness cannot begin in a vaccum. do what you say you will . say what you mean. no matter how fuckin afraid you are. everyone is better off. if you are confused, step away from the dynamic and collect your thoughts. I was too weak before to do this.

staying hurt continues to put up walls and void of deep intimacy and connection.

When we are hurt- we can step away and sever ties to heal or face reconciliation WITHIN a relationship. I have learned i am someone that needs to completely sever ties.As growing up i looked after those i love. when hurt by those i love, i just start controlling and turn into a bossy, bitchy, self centered human (Who is really just a very hurt human and doesnt know what to do). I made the person I love the most feel stupid, unloved, not good enough. When in reality it was just me. I was truly the person that needed to do so much work. He was trying with a wall. When alone, my nervous system comes down and i can heal heal heal. (And forgive.) and show up again from a grounded place.

true honest forgiveness allows for connection and sets us free.

everyone in the universe told me this but i didnt know how to do it. my childhood did not have anyone to model it for me. I had to really, really put in the work solo to do it. in fact, it took my own shadow hurting someone i love to see how truly fucked up we ALL are. how to reshape it and collect in different angles. I have forgiven, but I lost a lot in the process.

When we truly love people we don’t try to change them. We instead change the situation.

I truly love Matt, but I did try to change him and criticized like hell. It was not loving. It was out of fear. I should have instead changed the situation and removed myself DESPITE how much I loved him. We live and we learn.

I’m sad that he gave up on me. I get why he feels the way he does. I was toxic and unfair and relentless and fucked up. It all was. I was fixated obsessed and caught in resentment and fear. I regret so much of what I said and did. Most importantly how I made him feel. I love him and I fucking care. it hurts most days. I get it. I get it all. I’m sad but I get it. If I were him I’d prob stay clear of me too. I’m not that person anymore but his nervous system doesn’t know that.

I’ve grown so so much. It’s ok that he does not want to see that. I will continue to love and live as I can. I’m putting in the work for myself , my future partner and family. I used to pressure a future with him without slowing down and creating moments In presence. My nervous sx was in trauma mama. I’ve shifted and learned and will continue to.

It’s amazing what starts to shift when we are in clarity and a place of calm.

Xx

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