moving > critical mass.

Last night I sat on the floor of my third apartment unit and ate ben and Jerry’s phish food with my fingers. Lol this is 30 baby.   When one of my digits would get cold, I switched to the next. I only ate about half of the pint. And as you could have guessed, it was close to midnight. This was also after running down the sidewalk to publix half naked at 955 basically begging the security guard with body language to let me in to buy cat litter. my cat litter, and 80% of my life (including spoons) were trapped in unit 2 . (Literally feel like I need to label them so anyone reading this can get it right). I then proceeded to move penny out of the other other  (unit 1) or “OG unit” to current unit (third unit). she meowed and circled all night long- Probs bc her scent is not present enough. I did everything in my power to soothe her and love her, but nothing worked- the howling continues. In her own time she will come down and recognize this as her new home. I gotta figure out where to take her when I travel for months- I want her to be with someone who will love her and take care of her and give her serious attention/ knows how to love on her. Shes actually the best. I on the other hand- between the no blackout curtains, meows and the people who enjoy blasting music as my new neighbors- probably slept 5h in actuality instead of the 9 I know I need to feel optimal. 

Today was my day off instead of yesterday, but I actually much prefer thurs off. Im sitting on the 7th floor moving the majority of the rest of my stuff down. Kate, Mira, Andrew , cam were all headed to critical mass. I told them earlier this month i would join, but I have to move. still. moving. somehow. lol. Im also fucking exhausted today from the night.  I just walked to grind house down the street and had a burger and fries (TY stomach and body for holding me and for healing. I will never get tired of thinking that every time I have a meal like this).  Clearly, this week, I am killing it in the healthy food dept. I have 3 refrigerators and no food, technically.  I am headed out of town this wknd (tom am) so I gotta get to sleep early, too.  

Taz actually looked at me on Wednesday and said “you are really really good at this, you are so tuned in and everybody loves you. Most people are so checked out when they are leaving- Are you sure you want to go?”.  One of those moments I just felt my entire body tighten. I absolutely love what I do. I know ill be good at this wherever I go. Its been my passion since i got sick, really probably since undergrad. I have a true gift. I walk out of the rooms and over half of the time patients have cried to me, thanked me, confided in me and left feeling more heard and validated than they ever have.  I also know my intuition. 

I talked to matt this week- the conversation was interesting. I genuinely think hes still confused when it comes to me. He feels something I think, actually i know- but I also dont think he feels safe enough to put the wall down to connect w me, and Chooses to stay closed. Maybe he associates being open to me with losing what he has for some reason. Probs bc past is the best thing we have to predict future.

Obviously hes enjoying freedom, connection with his family without tension and pressure, ease, growth , new people, probably feeling masculine after feeling so emasculated by me for so long, no shame, no expectations or pressure. Hes the best, so im sure the attention he is loving too. simultaneously we’ve both changed and grown a LOT and ive actually forgiven him. I hope he knows that i actually have. He is open to spending time with me, but referenced that he did not want to open things intimately. I honestly dont know what he means by that. Sounds like more than friends, but not dating? Im honestly not sure. maybe he means no sex? Friends doesn’t feel like it would work for us, but i guess i should ask him what he meant. In person we are both like fucking flies to a lightbulb with each other. Even in July when I got my stuff and he told me he “had love for me” on the phone but then in person he absolutely felt more and then admitted that there was more than love for me still in him. he didnt used have a voice or “strong spirit” as he put it on the phone, and his personality was unable to develop next to mine. I was also in a state of anger and wrath, so nobody could have. When i feel safe and grounded, i am also less intense and strong. I wonder if he is interested in that at all. I want to respect what he feels and know what he means, but I also dont want to overwhelm him. I don’t want to rush him, or pressure him- but im actually in a good place, ive changed a lot- and he may really lose me. It kills me that he won’t even give me an inch. Maybe this is him giving it to me? lol. I just wanna spend time together and see what it feels like with us both evolved. No guarantees of course but sometimes I think he legit forgets who we are together, or who I was before I got sick. Except, not exactly bc I am no longer 22. Maybe its fear, or maybe hes terrified to fuck up the momentum hes made. Maybe he has invested emotionally in someone else, who knows. He said something along the lines of “intrinsically you won’t be able to have the degree of intimacy needed to due to what I did”. As a reason that he didnt wanna open the door again. While that was true for 3 years, hes operating under pretenses that existed a year ago, not current reality. Its almost like he thinks I havent grown or actually forgiven. #offended. Either way, I wish he would trust me just the tiniest bit. instead a MASSIVE wall the size of wall of china exists instead, and I aint the huns- I cant be climbing up over that thing. Still- I am like… give me an inch , tylers! Im a decent climber, but I need permission to put on my shoes.

Talked to bubbe- shes still having bad back pain and needs surgery. I am gonna take her somewhere while im traveling bc I want to spend time w her. Shes turning 87 this year. Im also doing a yoga retreat in Botswana I am super excited about. Mom got rear ended badly. Lost consciousness. Lied about it and did not go to the hospital. i really worry about her brain and ability to function long term since her overdose. She really has not been the same. Her car is obviously also totaled and she got an SUV.   I wish I could do more for her. I struggle with trust with her so much.  Its tough to trust anyones word, really. Emotions also change, so its like how do we trust those either?  People who are wishy washy, tend to stay that way. Shes improved a lot with the substances and I trust her much more there – but like any addiction in bad times people may slip. I wish I would have been more understanding when we talked about that. Mom also has been working a ton, taking care of her patient 7 days a week. Shes been swimming and will undoubtedly kick my ass in November. 

Sitting on the floor typing this in the wifi apt on 7, but I need to move some shit down to 6 and pack for mañana. Its almost 9pm already. Ive done well moving myself, honestly. hopefully both penny and I get some sleep tonight. 


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