Conflict with friends

Tonight challenged me.

I had a discussion w Ellie on the phone where she talked about how she watched me become destroyed w how Matt treated me. Safety. What I deserve and how she’s seen me disintegrate. That I’m less able to be there for her. I apologized and took responsibility. I also feel defensive and resistant. I was not emotionally reactive like I used to be- but I still felt a lot come up.

I talked to Kate about it and more friction. I broke down and cried when I talk to her as I always do. She’s the best. She loves me and called me out but then held me through till the other side. She knows how to do that and be that for me. I hope I do the same for her. She said of all her friends she’s worried about, I’m the least. She knows I’ll be okay. And that i deserve so much better too. Everyone sees it. All the people that love me the most.

I’ve also been cut out and off by people that were unable to have the hard conversations and hold that space. Ellie showed me why Julianna saw the exit door. I was defensive. I see why that relationship ended. The advocacy and caring is what makes it worth it in the end. I was hard to apparoach but Ellie has validity.

So much emotion. Im starting over and building myself and it’s scary and hard. I will never let someone treat me so poorly again and continue to give myself away. I learned. I also have to heal at my own pace. It’s not easy. I feel behind. I don’t just want to recycle people or find new ones with road bumps. I do want to grow through this but I’ve been derailed since the infidelity trauma in how I trust people. Not just romantically but with friends too. It really fucked up my nervous system on a deep level. I resent Matt for it. I literally have feelings of hatred sometimes. That my nervous system has changed. But I know that doesn’t serve anything. i have to fix it. Continue to show up day after day. Resentment brings nothing good. I’m doing my best every chance i get to show up better and be better. I know I will continue to be.

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