its saturday night and Im slowing down for the first time since august 30th. The transition of summer to fall is one of my favorite times of year. The brisk air, cloudless sky in georgia. the lift in the humidity. Today it actually felt like fall. 60s this morn. I read on my roofdeck. I did not see another person today, minus my friend at the cold brew bar that made my latte and my leasing agent. This was completely intentional. Several times i *thought* about making plans, and was invited to plans- but i didnt check in or follow through. EAV had a festival, -but I have been going nonstop since europe and my bday weekend. I needed some self TLC. a reset. some grounding. I did all the things to center myself today. I caught up with 3 friends on the phone in depth- and set some intentions for myself as i move into libra szn. life is really damn good. i feel softness and a deep exhale in my body and nervous system.
i reflected, journaled, and contemplated major decisions about next steps in my life- both short term goals, travel, Denver as well as romantically navigating. my energy is magnetic right now, and im attracting a lot toward me. It really goes to show how much changes when we trust in our guts and start to make decisions that reflect our authentic insides. im actually really relaxed and have so much ease in my life. i know how incredible i am- my worth-my talents, and the parts of me that were so hidden in fear in the last several years when i felt SO UNSAFE and it fucking radiates. it was not reflected or seen in my last relationship. i never felt safe enough or respected enough- most importantly, organically desired. it was a lot of indecisivenss, chaos, instability. it often left me feeling hopeless, alone, desperate. i think about that and juxtapose it with my life and day to day now. its actually black and white. i got sick and after that i was abandoned. My previous partner always wanted ease. its comical, actually. i see and KNOW I have BOTH in me. i am heavy AND light. the light comes with trust. i know i need a man that can lean in. that i feel safe enough to lean into my feminine side and lightness with. that doesnt feel like a pressure cooker, that i am not teaching lessons to or parenting or “shaping” – i also have a lot to own in the dynamic that existed- but its true. chemistry, vulnerability, showing up authentically- it comes naturally with so many people. i am currently LIVING in the ease. i dance, i laugh, i sleep, i move with trust and calm. its absolutely incredible. its so good to feel GROWTH again. i also sleep at night knowing that i did all the right things. i really did fight until the end. i was always willing to grow adapt and approach from new angles, especially after space and growth. on my deathbed, literally- i know how deeply I loved. im not a runner, avoider, liar. they say trust yourself? that comes from confrontation, truth speaking, honoring, advocating, trying, new ideas and trust. i know i have those qualities and more. it just feels good to be confident in my own skin again. i feel it in every facet of my life.
Other than the fact that i just ate pretzels and cream cheese for dinner (dont knock it) I had a pretty dang productive solo day.
my list from today:
flights to st croix booked for swim
resignation agreement settled and signed
ran my first 10k in a year
denver waiting on final reply – lots in the making. im sitting in the unknown. stomach churning, wondering about the grounding.
i thought about this last one as i showered – long and slow. let the steam and heat penetrate my skin in the new unit. I blew dry my hair as the dehumidier roared in the living room soaking up the water from the flood. i walked back up to the 7th floor in my seasoned havianas to watch the sunset. My jeans are tight- in a good way. Im eating and drinking a lot again since my gastroparesis has healed. Since healing my gut, i am finally myself again. all of the anxiety and pain offset my ability to be myself. trust myself. fully love myself. i lived in fear, constantly. its what i saw and what was modeled for me for so much of my life. i went out last night and sat in a 2+ hour drive thru line at 2am. laughing at the simple rudimentary concept of it all. it was absolutely insane- over an hour i journaled one of my “letting go” essays inspired by the book keizah left me, and took photos at different angles. thought about nervous system regulation and activation.
meows and i are good. life is stable. its scary- how many moving pieces are in the vortex and unknown yet how strong i feel personally. i trust in myself. i emotionally regulate. i feel supported. im smart. i branch out, and have strong connections with those in my past. i am scared to ever go backwards. dare i say i am stepping forward and feeling confident?
if sav 6 months ago could only see me now. how we choose to show up each day presently dictates our future. choosing wisely, every damn day.