its early. and by early i mean before 7am. Ive never been an early riser. at times in my life ive tried or convinced myself to work on shifting my routine, but in actuality i function at a much lower frequency in the mornings. I wonder if its related to cortisol being high and my lifelong anxiety. Mornings have been hard for me as long as I can remember. I also have historically tried to make myself a morning perso nto work out in the mornings- but im reframing that. Maybe mornings are meant for journaling, reading, slow coffee, breathing. I feel physically weak in the mornings- so it makes sense workouts don’t feel optimal for me. I discount them completely because of this, but maybe shifting my narrative is what i need here. They are sacred. I stopped this post- just made coffee and now im sitting up on my roof deck as the sun rises finishing this post. its quiet except for marta rushing by. i feel half relaxed, but i know the chaos today will bring so i feel a little anticipatory anxiety there. I tossed and turned a lot last night. So many racing thoughts.
they ranged- and im gonna dump them. work and taz and the contract my lawyer still has not emailed me back- to the long day i will have today (full patient load, taz load and subbing/teaching yoga), to moving apartment units on thursday and the lack of prep- missing my roofdeck. i hope my new unit has a balcony, to my eating habits since europe and my relationship with food and how its changed in the last year, to movement and injury this year, to matt and wanting to spend time with him bc i miss him so much, to being hurt about my bday, to saturday night and LOA , to the sebastian ellie debacle. to swimming and the race, to my podcast and coaching to coping with food, to self centered thoughts. to tri training and the 3 men that are trying to date me rn. Even melanie and the expectations i feel surrounding her and how much my gut KNOWS thats how matt has to feel about me and how absolutely nit piky and insane i was and how his nervous sx prob responds. my thoughts race and they move. my self awareness is there- navigating what i actually want is tough. i don’t really know. i think i want presence. I have a tentative plan for my life- and tentative is enough. planting roots still scares the crap out of me . anything that feels like i can be flexible and get out of – i find myself gravtiating torwards (short term yoga teaching in hostels, 4 month leases etc), why am i so afraid of roots and commitment? i realized on mushrooms over the weekend that i have always been this way. Other than commitment to a person (matt) i still wouldnt commit to aspects of us. his family, moving in, a career path for myself, any of it. I struggle with all of it. I am making strides and I am actually in a good place mentally– but i still live in ambiguity in so much of my life. do we all? or is it just me? I worried a lot this weekend. the bday celebration was incredible- i felt SO loved and supported. I realized i worry too much when i host about everyone else having a good time. i think thats why i never do it. also mixing social groups and the dynamic it creates gives me anxiety too. The sebastian ellie situation brought up a lot of unprocessed emotions for me. I have a lot to sort through there. emotions are so damn gray. we can ignore and suppress them or deal with them. i have gotten good at feeling my feelings- but not great at putting them to rest.
I have recently been working on moving forward, and making peace. even talking to simon and nico in france it became apparent to me in how they have moved forward in their relationships in the last year. it gave me a lot of perspective. its in the letting go that things move.
my HY community is so supportive, too. ashleigh is going to teach me to surf. Im helping elsie with a side gig (i gotta get on it), and after i sign my contract w taz- i need to be much more diligent about time management at work. I still act like a child myself in many aspects, we all do. its piecing them together and showing up as the best we can. one day at a time.
Headed to go inside and get ready for work. This blog page has truly become more like an authentic unfiltered journal rather than a blog. Maybe my podcast will become my more blog like/ performance platform. I am doing the opposite of preforming on here.
Its going to be a long week, im buckling up.