New layer, how ya doin

It’s my last morning in Corsica before I fly out to Paris. I spent last night by the water with a whole pizza and a few glasses of red wine looking out over the water. The woman next to me is originally from Ajaccio but spent the last few years in Marsalis. She told me to come back when I’m traveling this year and see her and her boyfriend. She’s 35 and is ready to return to her home.

Im sitting at oma with a cafe au lait. Craving a morning European cigarette. I never smoke, but somehow in Europe I always want to and let myself indulge. No worse than anything else we put in our bodies In moderation. Ive changed a lot since letting go of the extremes – it’s been absolutely beautiful.

The last two mornings have been at Josephine’s w Ryan. Im catching a flight this afternoon- the cab comes in about an hour. I want to do some shopping before I leave- this coral jewelry is gorgeous and also not overpriced. I always get my grandma something when I travel. Whether it be small or large- I think the sentiment goes far. She still wears the earrings I got

Her In Bali in 2014 regularly. I’m getting super excited for my travel and writing Adventure to come this year. Of course it’s sprinkled w a little anxiety and fear, but overall I know it’ll be good for me. The In between of it all creates some fear – but I’m trusting. It’s all we can do.

Last night I was hit with a 4×4 to the head in the middle of the night. I woke up in a sweat. The underlying problems within myself and who I was the last several years- Stemming fully from Gastroparesis and how I let it completely disempower me and change my life. How I subconsciously modeled how my parents reacted to their illnesses – and how I let it completely take me under. I was not taking responsibility for myself or my actions. How it bled into my friendships and relationships. Matt got the brunt of most of it- but I couldn’t see it. I was completely consumed. That in combo with his pleasing tendanxies, we fell apart. I let it take us OVER. and then lived in defense mode in the aftermath. Denial. Anger. Unwilling to change.

It’s only been since I’ve sat completely alone in recent months that I’ve started to find my momentum again in my life. Understand it all on a larger scale. All the pieces starting to click. Realizing how I was actually a child. How I treated

Him as a parent and had no stock in myself. It makes me sad and i wish I could be and show up with who i am as I am but I trust in the softness again. I am stepping out of the controlling masculine energy and am able to enjoy and have fun again. It was completely gone when i felt threatened- feels so good to be home. I would say that I “let” gastropareiss and infidelity rule my life for the majority of the last decade – but It was my innate wiring. I didnt know how to Unwire at the time. To step away and focus on me when I felt myself going under. I knew no better.

Matt didn’t have the words. What I needed to hear was “sav you’ve turned so serious and controlling I literally cannot breathe. I want to be with you and I’m here if you actually start doing the work on yourself but thus far you aren’t. You are punishing me and we are stuck kicking in motion. Do your part and I’m here b”. But he didn’t. It’s no fault of his either- we both used our current tools. Childhood shit. Wiring. Fear. Control. Pleasing. Dependency. Disempowerment. Jealousy. Lust. Envy. Fear. Those were the majority of what showed up. Even competition. Lack of awareness. So many issues embedded into a decade. Oh and simultaneously so much dang love. Wonder. Without the beauty and trust in it all. The joy was sucked out.

I think me falling in love again as an adult will feel quite different- in fact even the feelings I’ve developed for those in small quantities emit the opposite. But it’s not because of who these Men are- it’s because of who I’ve become since I started taking responsibility for myself. Hopped off the defense. Into responsibility mode. Yes, I feel so abandoned. But simultaneously I feel like I’ve grown eons in a year. It was necessary. Parenting myself is a beautiful thing. Learning how to navigate relational boundaries and desire without control, also beautiful. Trust in those that show up organically.

As it turns out, I wasn’t a safe or ready person to build with. I was not able or ready to listen. Respond. Love with an open heart without fear. Instead I took no responsibility. What realizations and important concepts. To actually be responsible for self and only self. I’ve stopped resenting others and started taking responsibility for my part.so many pieces and aspects of us make up the moments that click. It’s dependent on day season and flow of our lives. I needed to build within myself first. There is time that is imperative to self growth and finding love inside. I’m grateful for this time. For this life. It’s scary and uncertain and sometimes I have no idea what comes next, but I also have no doubt that I’m on this journey of floating for a reason.

I feel the newest layer of my life shining through as the last one peels away. It’s absolutely beautiful. I feel full inside again at times. I’m able to express and feel the vast variety of what exists. What It means to fully be human. I’m changing so damn much so dang fast. It’s profound and scary and beautiful all at once. I’ll ground eventually, just not done floating just yet.

Xx

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