jetlag on a handicapped bathroom floor

I’m standing in a handicapped bathroom in France after my flight from Atlanta before I take a hopper to Corsica. I took half of a klonopin to sleep, but I actually feel pretty rested. I woke up about an hour prior to landing and put on Holly whittakers book- quit like a woman. Many of her chapters make me cry. I immediately start thinking about Matt. The book is powerful and transformative and illuminates me. Some

Chapters piss me off sometimes I envy her ability to write. Mostly, they make me

Feel insurmountable guilt so I feel my nervous system activate. So many of her words and the parallels. Her book is about sobriety- but in her chapters the words circle around my body and I feel shame and regret we’ll up in my

Throat. In this most recent chapter, She talks about unsolicited opinions. 

I listened to hundreds of unsolicited opinions when trying to navigate infidelity. I was lost and seeking help, but now I see all it did was hurt. 

I told Matt to find his voice and berated him when I wasn’t even listening to my own. I didn’t know how to listen to mine, either. I let opinions of Jenn pastilloff at that yoga on the green event at Emory or Caroline Harrington in Arizona or truda on the phone take me completely over- not temporarily , but instead I listened to them over the man I love with everything I have. I let those opinions put a divide between me and the person I want to build with.  I let those opinions influence me and i fully unleashed  emotionally abusive behavior and control. Sometimes I stare at myself in the mirror and wonder how I was capable of such things. The power. The pressure. The perfection. The contracts. All of it. I genuinely feel like I want to throw up. 

I am crying in the bathroom because I regret telling so many people about what he did.  not only did it shame the fuck out of him, but it made me feel like shit about myself too.  I am crying because his actions reflected that we were in trouble and  he needed to be loved harder and heard – but instead I went into a state of unapproachability and attack. At the time , with my background and who I was- it’s all I could do. I was so insecure and scared. I was a kid, too. We both were. It’s hard for me to have compassion for myself because all I feel is so much guilt and regret. I don’t hate myself because I know I’m different. 

I’m crying BECAUSE I’m different. I’ve learned. 

I’m crying because I don’t think he will ever get to see that change or really know how much I truly accept him for his fullest self. 

I’m crying because I have so much love and genuine connection with him- but know what I did and who I was. 

Mostly im crying because I care and feel like it doesn’t matter how much I’ve changed unless he’s able to see it. I wish I could take my changes and move forward and trust that someone else will exist in a container with this evolved version of me. 

But that’s what life Is about, right? Love. It’s where we derive purpose. Love and connection. Freedom. It’s a dance.  We cannot help who we love. He has no idea how much I love him. And how I had no idea how to be a safe partner. And how much I still love him.  

We destroyed each other. And absolutely loved the living fuck out of each other. 

He can’t be with me right now and I know that. I know he doesn’t trust himself to be his full self around me and still be loved fully. To exist without trying to please me. 

Partially due to his upbringing but probably more so because of how much I rejected him and tried to change him and basically asked him to try to earn love. I gave the opposite of what he needed when everything came out. I was too hurt at the time to do my part. And too weak to walk away and heal. I cringe as i write that. My Heart hurts because if only he knew how much I love him fully for who he is in every single way- and that there is NEVER a need to earn anything. That the love is so full. If I never spoke to him again- The only thing I will

Ever have for him is love. Probably to a fault. For so long all I had was resentment and anger. And now it’s only only love. 

I spent years telling him his true self wasn’t ok. Because he hurt me. Because it threatened me. Because i didn’t have nonviolent communication tools And a fucking fat ego. What he doesn’t know is that now, i am secure enough within myself that his true self is more than ok. It always was. Im stable enough and strong enough now to have tough conversations and stay calm and kind. To navigate anything- even rejection of his mom and actually still feel worthy and accept her , too. To be kind anyway.  I’ve taken responsibility over my emotions. I see these changes every damn day 

They say we see how far we’ve come in our most challenging relationships, the ones that trigger us. For me – that’s my parents. I see in large part how I’ve changed and where I’m at based on interactions with my mom and dad. Most days I do 80% better than I was a year ago, but sometimes I get caught in the crossfire. The difference is that now- I’m able to quickly identify and course correct. And it’s changed behavior behind the apology. A year ago? It was just a bunch of empty apologies. 

Inhale. Exhale. I’m now sitting in the bathroom floor. There’s tiles on the walls and I’m trying not to shame myself for taking a handicap bathroom because this airport is empty and there’s 2 more next to me- but I still feel bad  

I’m actually doing well. Lol. I’m excited to meet up w Ryan and I’m about to stuff my face with too many pastries and some good ass French coffee. This post makes it seem like I’m not- but I do feel good about the person I’ve become and I’m just beginning. I get completely hit and taken over at least once a day with waves of shame and guilt and the emotional abuse I caused. And I still love him. I miss him. I wish he was here. I wish I could be in connection with him in this moment and show him I am finally fucking safe. That I’m in my fun feminine side again and mostly just want to exchange glances and laugh over the most ridiculous shit. I know he’d be on this bathroom floor with me. We’d both be brushing teeth in this  oversized sink. But I know he’d be hungry because the plane food was small. – plus lets be real it’s France. 

I’m gonna get off the floor. Brush my teeth. Get a “baguettte!” And find my airport transfer. I’m gonna have a good day- I can feel it 


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