Packing and Reflecting

its midnight and im 3/4 of the way packed for corsica. As it turns out, packing with one hand is extremely humbling. My burn bubble popped last night. I let it happen naturally despite it being so damn enticing – lol. why is it always pustules, pimples, blisters that get me. one of my gross quirky likes. I leave tomorrow at 830 pm, but i have a whole day of work and returning moms car and picking up my rx before I make it. I am all loaded up on the diflocenac. Sebastian offered to pick me up at work and take me to the airport as hes in town delivering a kitty to his parents and works remote, so timing should be perfect. I tried to advocate for another virtual day tomorrow but gabby denied (i could go on here, but working on letting things go, lol). I am going to try my best to power through my workday so i get a little time on the backend before the airport to clean pens litter box and take out the trash, pay rent etc before i head out. I will have a scribe since i cant write or type easily with my arm/ burns. I am filled with nerves for this trip, actually. part of it is the physical exertion piece, the other part is turning 30. I know that ryan and jack are there – but i wouldnt exactly call them close friends. hopefully by the end of the 15 days of trekking, i will feel differently about that.

I had dinner with the extended family tonight after work- bubbe is aging. I want to make more of an intentional effort to spend time with her and learn from her in the coming months before i leave atl in december. I uploaded my podcast to launch finally-the first episode to release on my bday, but i relistened to the episode and felt absolutely positively disgusted, lol. why is it that when we start or begin with anything, its so marginal. thats the beauty in being a beginner, i guess. i plan to record so many more as time progresses. half of me wants to delete and start over, but i am working on ditching the perfectionistic tendencies and meeting myself with grace. i am not going to advertise it- yet. I want to find my voice and confidence on the inside a little bit before opening up to feedback from people i know. i discussed this tonight on my coaching call actually- the topic of feedback and how i interpret it. how i dislike compliments and seldom compliment others. how it makes me uncomfortable – but judgement and criticism historically came naturally for me. that has shifted a lot in the last year- but now i live somewhere in the in – between. where i give compliments more, but the accepting i still struggle with. I feel less judgement towards others SIGNIFICANTLY, and same for myself. it really does feel like in every area this year when i truly examine it, i feel so much and see incredible amounts of growth and change within myself. its so possible, yall. anything you want to change about yourself- it can absolutely happen. after dinner w bubbe and hopping on that call- the parallel was so apparent. i was able to truly see where my critical building blocks formed and how far ive come in that way this year. I had a patient today that reminded me of matts mom- its for her daughter and it was their 3rd appointment with me today- but it was the first that i made the full circle connection. her daughter sees me for anxiety and irregular cycles. in a weird way, by creating rapport with her, i feel a level of internal healing from angela, too. life is synchronistic in that way- and we heal in ways sometimes that we least expect. After i left the room today i got teary eyed. i missed matt and i missed the opportunity to create a family with his family. I still want a chance to grow through and change the dynamic with real angela, but again- letting go of perfection and trusting that the little girl i was did the best with the tools she had as she grew. i had to break out and evolve for a chance for these changes to actually be shed and implemented. expansion, expansion, expansion. less ego. i see how much my ego prevents growth and where it shows up as a threat to me. ive been in self compassion and softness, but shedding ego is my next step-

TJ also wrote me an aamzing voice note today. shes so transformative and intelligent/ intuitive. im excited to learn from her. i want to ask her to be my mentor but i believe with a true mentor, you dont really need to ask. they imprint you and leave a mark on you. they know it and you admire and honor them, in all the nonverbal ways. i have respected her and looked up to her since my first class of hers in 2019.

i turn 30 in exactly a week from today. it feels different. everything is hitting different. i remember my dorm room on my 19th birthday when i cried to dana about aging LOL. perspective. oh sav, weve come a long way. i am. sad to move out of my apt when i get back from europe, but i know 660 will have a new set of learning and space for me to settle into. almost like a new chapter within the same book. i feel ready for it- but the roof deck views i will miss dearly. gotta set up autopay and sleeeeeep! 6am alarm comin in hot. will I ever be a morning person??

sav

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