Its saturday, almost 3pm. I’m sitting at dairies cold brew bar and coffee house across the street from my apt. sipping on my americano with steamed oat milk. They stopped serving food, so i got a cookie. #health. the sun is out, i have my headphones in- its humid. I am here to catch up on all my patient charts from missing work, do email clarifications and write out my packing list- but i cannot stop smiling. i have never been so thankful to be alive.
On wednesday evening around 5pm, odesza was playing through bluetooth as i drove from work. I was headed to memorial toward home to teach yoga. my mind still running with conversation i had with sophia in the parking lot at work about persistance, different sides of us, leaning into the soft sides and discernment in love, hard lines. Shes applying to medical school this round, and at 25 just ended her 3 year relationship, working as a medical assistant between the eye bank and integrative. she put in her notice for the same reasons i did- but i just have this feeling we will stay close after she goes/ i go. i dont think much before i text her, im just myself, which is always a good sign for longer term relational communication. I admire her self expression, fearlessness, open heart and drive. Shes humble, but ambitious. some of my absolute favorite qualities. shes open minded- yet opinionated. I am my absolute fullest self around her, and she encourages me to lean more into my most insecure qualities and boasts my confident ones. she continues to want to get to know me. it feels good when i meet people that meet me in acceptance when i open up about my dark sides the last several years. after feeling so rejected for my trauma side. she helps me find grace for myself. I know that we show up in different personas depending on circumstances, intimacy, surroundings, health status and self talk- but its tough to see a several year traumatic response as temporary. Im excited to watch her journey unfold. As these thoughts swirled in my mind, i pulled out of the chevron on n druid hills. Pure laziness – as im a loyalist to QT/ racetrac, but with traffic lately, you gotta pick your battles. i drove about .25 of a mile, and was about to make a right onto the ramp to sit in traffic on 85 heading toward home. From the corner of my eye the world started to slow down. i knew. my entire body was ready. i remember at 18 i visited halina in LA and we went to her neighbors house. her neighbor was telling me about a bad accient she had been in and how she was drunk and it didnt cause as much insult to injury because she stayed soft. i remember that every time right before i get hit. kind of laughing at myself as i type this– as ive had that thought cross so many times before each hit. this one was by far the scariest. i softened my body to get ready for the hit. i tried to slam my brakes, and thank god because the honda pilot slammed into me. the world continued to slow down as my car flew about 10 feet to the right into the mcdonalds driveway. if i had been going .01 mph faster (i think ? thank gd i never took physics lol. maybe i should) or if there had been a pole or median on the other side, i would not be sitting here typing this with my right hand. i would be absolutely positively dead. the way her car hit my hood, light, my car came off the axels and punctured my left upper tire. my head slammed into the windshield. every airbag in my car deployed and slammed me back. smoke filled the corridor. the window shattered. instead of hyperventilating, i took slow deep breaths and reached for my phone. except i could not move my left arm. everything was spinning. vertigo. i missed my phone and grabbed my stethoscope with my right arm. i realized i wasn’t breathing. i was bleeding extensively from my left arm, my right one burned. my head was throbbing. i didnt care. i knew i was alive. i wiggled my toes and lifted each leg. no nerve severage. its beautiful and crazy how our brains can operate so quickly in these moments, and all of our knowledge comes into play. education and knowledge – secondary to connection with other people is definitely my second value. the driver of the pilot was using all her force to open my drivers side door. she asked me to step out but i couldnt move and started vomiting. sorry volvo.
i called my parents – no answer. matt- no answer. oops. bad idea? hung up half way through. idk. hes my favorite person, my brain is wired in that way.i called sophia. she says where are you and started asking questions to assess me cognitively- shes fuckin there for me in all the ways right now. i just have this feeling about her. of all people to call, my body and brain – she was my 3rd call. maybe because she worked EMS for 3 years , or how neutral she stays in emergencies. regardless- as i talked to her, the ambulance got there. got me out. splinted my arm, got my vitals. i continued to throw up and repeat “im okay. im okay” retrospectively idk if i was telling them that or myself that.
i got into the ambulence, matt called me back shortly after they stabilized me in there, got an iv going, vitals, zofran on board. then my parents showed up to follow me to the hospital. options were atlanta medical or grady due to head trauma and only trauma centers were options- my dad starts arguing with the ems about how those are both horrible options. i am lol-ing on the ambulance. the other driver is suddenly complaining of her arm hurting and the police started citing her for all her traffic violations and asked me for a statement. i honestly dont remember what said. i think i said “this bitch risked mcdonalds for my life” LOL sav. at least i know how to keep it funny in difficult times.
we drove to north fulton, my parents followed. i hadnt eaten since lunch (lentils and brocollini– my new fave combo) and i was starving. the doc on shift was not great. i had to ask for what i wanted because he was ordering bare minimum and i just knew i had a fracture. he offered no meds, no fluids, and just a head CT. i was like bruh. again the sassy side of me comes out. i remember this side of me similarly when i got sick in maryland in 2016 when matt and my mom took me for fluids and the nurse started a shitty IV. why i get like this i couldnt tell you – but its a quality i kind of like about myself.
got splinted/ casted/ and discharged with concussion and burn/ wound care. this burn on my right hand is gigantic.
i slept poorly wed night and on thursday navigated next steps. i called work and advocated for a virtual day friday. i have never done a virtual day but i cant drive w 1 hand and im exhausted. they agreed and i had to get all my items from my volvo at the impound station later that day. the “my fiance cheated on me car” — honestly there was a part of me that felt relief it was gone. i feel like i have finally moved past that trauma and phase of my life and that car reminded me of pain ,fighting, the toxic trauamtic shadow side of myself. im not there anymore- so its only fitting the car isnt either. i healed myself away from him. its not that hes not who i want to build with or love but i COULD NOT do it in his presence. so much to say on that , too. i called state farm to open a claim for my multiple accidents over the last 2 months. such a mess. the woman on the line at insurance i had laughing within minutes as i described my situation(s). she was like. ” no way we will find the one from yyesterday” and im like ” humor me and look up this phone number- the only thing i had from other driver” and sure enough it popped up. fault claimed etc. the agent goes “you are lucky!!” and i go “ya if u wanna call it that..” and we both laughed. she proceeded to tell me how shes never had this situation happen and doesnt know what to do next- so i told her how I THINK it goes. “that sounds right” she said… lol.
i thought about how i want to handle the settlement. old me would have just taken the bare minimum for medical bills. now that i know more about insruance etc- i want not just my cars value but enough money to buy a new car in this market. i am going to ask for $60,000 on top of medical bills. i know my worth. my pain. and the cumulation of concusions and what it can do to you long term. even my sleep is picking up on 124% more REM sleep hte last several nights since the accident. my nervous system is a little fried, but not in the way that im used to. since ive had thorough treatment for PTSD at this point, i respsond to these things differently than i used to.
Everyone from my yoga community has been absolutely amazing and supportive as well. Inna brought me flowers, elsie sent a package to my house. i have sub coverage for weeks. i texted my corsica group and told them i may not be able to do this next week due to my fracture- and if i cant, ya girl is gonna do spain or greece, tbd. but im not going to sit on my ass for 2 weeks , that is for sure. my therapist on thursday was laughing with me, plotting with me, hyping me up. i told her about taz the contract, and kept saying “damn savannah i wish i had you as a client a year ago!! i cannot believe you did that shit last summer” and i was like half crying and laughing with her on the other line . i said “dr. schwarz.. last year i coulda been diagnosed with a lot of shit . i was fucking CRAY CRAY. i genuinely am in shock” and her response is— you needed to heal and transform yourself, by yourself. means nothing about it “being right” or “who you are” she said – that happy girl in college that you describe? thats your aura when you are in balance. thats the real you. and i have seen more of that in you the last several weeks. shes coming back. trust her. shes right. i am back. but more than back, — im better. more expressed. more fun. even in hell and injured, i am OPENING again. its so beautiful.
i should end this post because its tkaing me so dang long to type and i want to do my work and microdose psilocybin before sunset and do a little healing solo journey tonight to process this accident. more decisions and updates to come. lets hope that the 9 lives rule does not apply to these accidents or else im 1 accident away. who made up these rules anyway?