This weekend, I camped and practiced yoga in Tellico plains TN. TJ started doing camping retreats as an affordable alternative to typical yoga retreat offerings several years ago. I shared about my internal conflict with regard to integrative medicine and modalities of reach as well- and the importance of making accessibility a key to healing physical and mental health. I admire her commitment to teaching- her depth, her knowledge, her ability to really SEE people. i remember confiding in her back in 2019- before she knew who i was, before i was even teaching at highland. its been incredible integrating into the HY teacher community and the connections i have built. Last night we discussed doing a wellness retreat– with TJ leading the yoga and meditation, Jill doing the tapping. Shes a internal med doc but has a certification in EFT (She did a session of emotional release trauma work with us yesterday and it was so powerful) And katie to lead through strength and calisthenics since she has left corporate to do personal training full time. They would have me do the educational portion- a lecture on sleep, gut brain dysfunction, depression and trauma work, potentially hormones depending on how many lectures we wanted to do. I suggested breakfast chats- as it would feel less formal and more exciting/ educational/ applicable. We are starting to put it together for early next year. – for me to see myself as leading a retreat is so powerful. Several years ago i could barely practice with my labral tear, and i remember thinking “would i even be good at this?” despite having such a strong pull to YTT. I studied and read all about health, ayruveda etc in the NICU and made treatment plans for coworkers in functional med on nights between my babies feeds. I had inquired about highlands YTT back then too but with my NICU schedule it was impossible. post cert in 2019 – highland felt like a DREAM. now? literally anything feels possible to me. after this experience with CSMD and putting myself out there- i feel so much less afraid. ive been rejected, shot down, completely alone. weeks in my bed in shame and guilt. completely left and abandoned. ive failed. ive gotten out of legal contracts. ive learned to be 100% authentic no matter the situation. i stop fearing what things look like. ive softened. found humility. the most important thing? i have learned to fully regulate my nervous system on my own FINALLY- i no longer fear. I have more confidence to not only put myself out there, but trust that i can actually make it through no matter the outcome. its shown beyond teaching yoga, retreats, or work- but in my friendships and the sheer number of romantic interest others show. I know i have the light and “meat” on the inside. i rarely put work into my appearance on the outside. i move my body, i care about nutrition- but i truly believe that most of it is decorative. its who i AM that really determines the energetics.
During the retreat- i oscillated between past and present for the majority of the 72 hours. There were moments of absolute presence, connection, learning, expanding , learning about the individuals i was sharing the experience with, grounding in my body, feeling the wind, the sun and rain on my skin completely unplugged from the world around me, and then others where I felt myself pull back – wishing matt was practicing next to me, or in the tent with me. i know how different we would be. how ready i am. i am tempted to try to reopen in some capacity. It oscillated depending on context, surroundings and conversation. Since i have returned ot presence and found more self compassion in my own body and for my own life, i see how i show up differently in every asset of my life. i am finally a safe partner to build a home inside of. I am finally a home inside of myself. i have started to feel myself moving forward. this week alone, i have started to open my heart just the littest bit more. it feels so empowering.
Lately – i have been much more disconnected from yoga. i have seldom wanted to practice or get on my mat. my movement has looked so different- i barely recognize my relationship to movement in a GOOD way. i ran 3 miles around the lake yesterday, 1030 pace, lots of breaks since i am recovering. I did 0 movement friday, yoga today. this week i may have a more intense day, others that are lighter. i am so much more gentle with myself. its what my body has been craving from me my entire life- but i didnt know how to listen. i pressed override for so many years. i want to do a post on how to unwire the override button- because its been a journey within itself. the way I feel when i actually listen to the insides, is hard to put into words. a lot of it is dictated by surroundings and outside. the mixture. the acceptance. i have finally transitioned out of the doing- into the being. thats probably the best way to describe it.
last night at the agni ceremony– to let things go and burn them, i struggled. i had brought all my letters i was ready to burn , except a part of internally holding on. i could say the words i am ready to let this go, and do the actions- but to burn felt like i was setting my insides on fire. i dont compartmentalize or shut anyone out- its not in my nature. i stay open. the only time ive ever closed to a person in my life was matt last year after 2 years of infidelity resentment build up, but even that i was able to work through this year and re open. to me burning is SO symbolic and represents release and ending. i dont know if i truly beilieve in endings. i think energetically- things stay alive. i think we can change and shift our attachment over time but that love never dies and endings are made up for false senses of security. thats the beautfiul thing about life- someone can die or choose not to relate to you anymore, but everything still lives within you. i thought a lot about julianna. how dysregulated i was last year and how those relationships dwindled- but i realized that my people- the ones in it for the long haul , wouldnt take a few years of dysregulation and completely cut me out. they know me better than that. love me stronger than that. harder through that. just has given me more appreciation for my community and my people. i burned a piece of paper where i wrote the things i was sure i was ready to let go of. mostly patterns within myself. thats what this year has been all about for me anyway- and i have made good momentum.
im so tired despite sleeping well last night and napping today. probably the waffle house from my ride home. SO. much. solo. wafflehouse. my observance is also on the rise- i could litearlly write an entire post on the dynamics going on inside waffle house on a sunday in ellijay ga, lol. anyway- im going to sleep unshowered post camping x 3 days in clean sheets- the beauty of living all alone. i move to 660 from 742 next month and im sad about it. ive never loved where ive lived more than this space in my life, but financially i know its the right decision. headed to europe in 9 days and really hoping my shin holds up, gonna do a few more runs this week to test it out.
full work week ahead. meal prep ready to go, alarm set for 6 for a pre work run or pelo and shower. meows so cuddly and happy im home.