I can tell i have entered a new transition period.
it feels lighter, more compassionate, with an undercurrent of curiosity.
In the day to day, its hard to see changes, but in comparison the growth and differences are vast.
my approach to meeting others, how i share about my life, my outlook on the future, the acceptance, being the positive light. The strangers i inspire and help along my path. the open – mindedness i bring into every conversation i have. the way i am able to shift a conversation out of the mundane into the deep- its my greatest gift. the last several years, i was so wrapped up in my own shit- that i stopped utilizing that gift in a neutral and loving way for others. this weekend i was reminded, 100x over.
a woman in the airport told me in tears i was the safest person shes spoken to in years.
at the rooftop bar, a new friend of mine opened up beyond her comfort zone, and we talking about cognitive dissonance and navigating love, life and relationships.
katie cohen on the way to the hospital with her parasite.
my 41 year old newly divorced air bnb host and our 2 hour long heart to heart on infidelity, trust, love and acceptance. she gets her first round of IVF implantation on tuesday and will know if it worked- i told her to call me.
I am realizing that i care and have SO MUCH to give. I lift up and brighten up rooms i walk into. my presence matters. I was not present to my life, my friendships, even to the relationship i was so hell bent on saving. i was not there. i was preaching the importance of listening to the voice inside for so long but i started ignoring mine in 2019 and went down a drain for several years. i have come out on the other side a much better human being. the judgement that i used to hold compared to where i sit now. the way i look at and see the world -i am so much less afraid. i used to hold back, i was rigid. expressing myself vocally has always been easy– but i used force and sternness. now i am learning how to express myself through actions, through dancing, cheering, artwork, and nonverbal communication with those i come into contact with . my gifts have stayed- but ive added so much more. my unrealistic standards for myself have somehow started to lift too.
i had meals alone, but met up with ryan and alyssa and matt for bday on sat eve. i went to the class that andrea from bloom sex addict course recommended to me and MOVED that emotion. i ran 4 miles for the first time this year. i slept so well. i digested. i made friends in the bar line. i walked around brookyln today – sat at a coffee shop and had the best lox sammy on a sesame before solidcore and getting my tattoo (that i have been planning and rescheduling since march). I absolutely love it. we even placed the snake for next time to put together the entire design. it was perfect. and it was just me. i am really loving spending time with myself- yet know how to connect when i want and need to with my community. mom is going to get a sun on her shoulder after our race in november.
i am waiting on a contract ammendment from work- though verbally has been determined. I am trying to figure out finances for my trip- and map out a plan as i want to write my book as i travel and explore.
its.120 am and meows is cuddled up under my chin purring as i type (she reallllly doesnt like to be left home alone, even for the weekend). i am a generator in human design- gut and sacral for decision making. i think i am finally leaning back into that. i can feel myself FIGHTING old behavior and thought patterns and choosing differently becuse my gut knows at the end of the day. its always spot on.
i am planning bday things w neighbors and yoga friends for next month. i dont think i have REALLY celebrated my bday since my 21st- but this is the year. freakin 30. time to bring the focus back on me – i remember having anxiety turning 19 lol feeling like i was getting old and telling dana in my dorm room that i hated my birthday. and here we are. radically accepting that i am not where i thought id be at 30, yet somehow– i feel like i am making peace with life and riding the waves instead of trying to control the current. my circle is widening too. in a healthy way- i feel SO supported. when i went to make plans for my bday i had so many lists of people. my yoga firends are flying in too, my neighbors, work friends, yoga friends, and of course kate, kaitle , alana , paula etc. i literally dont think i have ever been so connected to community in my life. My anxiety feels stable, finally too. I really havent needed to go up to a “theraputic ” dose on zoloft. i am at 25 and chillin. the pieces are coming together. im still using .25 of clonopin when my thoughts start racing/ flashback and i wake up w elevated coritsol early ams, but honestly i have come a long way in the last year. i have truly learned how to find compassion with myself for sleeping in, needing a benzo, taking time off working out, my gray hair, abandonment by my partner. like CHILLING out. i dont think i knew what that was before this year. i think back to this time last year when i was having crippling anxiety in europe. i remember on a call w stefanos in portugal. after the call i had a panic attack in porto. this has been a long time coming. i have found coaches and a therapist i actually liek that is reasonably priced. its like all things are starting to somehow fall into place. im thankful for the botox, for sending my note to matt, for putting in my notice, for advocating for my next job position , for moving apts, and continuing to trust myself again. i was drowning , trying to contol that current but now we just ridin them waves.
Heres to 3 more weeks left in my 20s.