Such a beautiful day. It started with anxiety, panic, and not wanting to get out of bed. I was signed up for solidcore but ended up skipping it to sleep/ lay half awake. old thoughts swarming, old patterns surfacing. I got up and went to the dentist– and almost got hit by a car. really, it was terrifying.
I need my wisdom teeth extracted. I remember my mom telling me that my dad got his extracted during residency and he was the worlds largest man child. I thought i was safe with my cleft, but the time has come.
I got home, hopped on my therapy call, followed by my coaching call. lots of discussion about my growth and the phase of life i am entering. the magnetism, the confidence. the acceptance. i really have grown so much in the last several months in ways i cant even put into words. its been challenging and uncomfortable at times, but so fuckin beautiful. My coaching call we discussed me entering into a phase of sexual exploration, and how that can mean self sexual exploration too– signing up for BDSM and kink classes etc. to learn how to feel fully connected to self sexually before bringing a partner in. I think that is needed, due to my history of dissociation with sex. I talked to her about my relationship with sex lately and my trauma in that space. I got off the call and went for a run. it felt SO GOOD to move in my body. i ran 2 ish miles before feeling light headed and stopped- and smiled at my growth there, too. old me would have just continued to push and assigned worth to milage and success, weight, calories etc. I genuinely no lnoger live in that place of control. dare i say i am actually healing? i was BEAMING from the 2 miles i ran. i stopped and got a smoothie, literally skipped through the rainy sunshine mix home. I hopped on my DBT call – shared with my group, talked to christina about my schedule changes and then alex waldon came over and cooked me dinner- salmon, kale, salad, good red wine. SUCH a good night.we talked for 4 hours. i
We talked about EVERYTHING — childhood shit, trauma, her parents infidelity, my relationship, eating, work, therapy, goals- long term successes, stories from the past. I asked her if i was heavy to her- and she laughed. she said that anyone that makes me feel like i am heavy is not right for me- and that she never leaves me feeling drained or heavy , and that i actually inspire her. i could have talked to her for hours. i realized that we can love many people and how we relate is not a threat. how we show up and communicate demonstrates love. that we are multifaceted and anxiety is not who i am but instead a part of me. my defense mechanisms and coping strategies- also not me, but a part of me that came into play in intense times of fear and trauma. that i am growing into a confident loving version of myself. its taken 30 years, but i truly feel like i am making aligned decisions for the first time in a long time. i miss elements and facets of my life w matt – but i dont miss our relationship. i was able to express- but i wasnt met in that place. lack of discussion at times, holes with questions. my therapist says it was like my dad– ambigous without resolve. that the space feels familiar. maybe shes right. theres an element of deep love there. that maybe one day it could happen but i am in deep acceptance that now is not the time for us.
im headed to new york tomorrow, but i am not ready. 2 glasses of wine tonight, feeling heady. katie cohen has a bad parasite, so i may not be staying with her. i am starting to plan my travels more extensively. we will see what comes next.
i have a lot more to say (lol always) but going to close this out. meows is cuddled up at the end of the bed, its past midnight and i have a heavy load on my patient schedule at JC tomorrow. I am feeling really grateful for my life and for the growth lately. i am trusting more. radically accepting more. open to possibilities. thankful. so much good to come.