holding down the fort

I am finding what it means to be in between. How I operate in the unknown, when little to nothing feels anchored.

Its almost like a floating feeling. where part of me has hope and other feels defeat. I am someone who has always pictured the next part or piece of my life– probably why i have struggled to stay present. I think ahead months to years, and then feel frustrated when my days feels stagnant. I spent so many years waiting to see what would happen w my relationship, trying to steer the ship and navigate. when i let go, tylers took a different turn.

i respect it, but its so hard when i know how many changes i have made and how ready i am to show up differently for him and for us. I respect him and see him as my equal. i have forgiven. and i still have so much love. when i know how easily i could bust down that wall. when i know how much love and beauty is left. it kills me. i think about flying down there so many times. i oscillate between being so glad i left, because i needed to forgive and see my shit pile – and he clearly needed this, and wishing i never left because our container is what i want. he asked me last weekend “are you sure you want this? not just the idea of it?” i didnt answer at the time– but i am so damn sure. i have never been more sure. but it doesnt matter what it is i want or what changes i have made, he doesnt seem like he wants to open his heart even a little bit to spend time w me- So, I can only move forward and accept reality.

I think its bizzare that i havent wanted to date. the guy that i have seen at the climbing gym recently asked me to hang/climb with him later this week. it feels like a date. blech. its hard for me to approach dating from an open headspace right now. i just know my heart isnt in it. i suppose its just time, or meeting someone and building that trust slowly. idk. i am really not in a place. I plan to travel one my contract is up, and i learned today that through the end of the year was approved with no penalty.

mel is gone which means more branching for me – itll be good, honestly. i head to corsica w ryan and jack at the end of the month. to nyc this weekend for my sun. simon and nico are in ecuador doing the loop- stayed at llu llu llama the other night and sent lots of videos and pics which is super cool. i will see them in france when i pass thru post corsica. This phase feels like its coming to a close, the hardest year to date. I feel like nothing has changed slash when i look at my personal growth i am in awe. i am really proud of myself. depression, injury, betrayal, lonliness, first year as an NP….. When i think about what phase comes next? thats where the challenge lies. i have to choose what to step into and what feels right. i think i am making more progress than i realize behind the scenes. I just have to continue to trust in something greater than me, that i cant yet see.

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