Grace and Gratitude

im sitting out in my egg chair, sun beaming. its 1pm, and i am finishing up my vanilla latte, still sweaty from my workout. cleaned and danced with penny this morning, laundry running.

I have a lot of energy to write and create today, but melanie moves to austin tomorrow. I want to help her pack up and make her transition as seamless as possible, so i am going to make this shorter than i want to (exciting that i have such a drive to write and create in this season). Mels parents and family have been in town this week, and i treated them out to thai last night. the most amazing masaman curry dish, and a new fave atl thai restaurant. It’s been a lot of energy pouring into and creating this dynamic with mel , but I truly feel like shes in my life to stay. Its worth it- to build that foundation with her. Sometimes i have no emotional energy left to give and i just want to turn off, but i have never regretted hashing it out with her, learning, and expanding. its rare, to come across souls we connect with on a deep level- and i know i met her at just the right time. I truly dont know where i would be this year without her love, energy, guidance, challenges and lessons.

woke up at 9 this morning, and went to a solidcore class. Since mallory suggested it, solidcore has become a major piece of my puzzle. its been discipline, commitment and direction for me. Coming from such a long endurance background, im suprised that i am so challenged by it-but even more than that- how STRONG i feel in class. I get the shakes holding squats, planks etc. I have been going about 3 times a week- and its allowing me to start to build back my running again too. I have ran 4 times in the last week with the botox. my right shin and calf are much weaker since getting the injections – almost like im switching out strength for lack of pain, but i am being patient and compassionate with myself. i FEEL different. on my run post soldicore this morning i found myself just smiling. i was running over an 11 min/mile pace, with no plans except to clean and help mel pack – and i felt so content in my heart and inmy body. i listened to a brene brown podcast as i ran. i felt inspiration throughout all of me. the growth, the happiness. the lack of judgement i put on myself for only running 1-2 miles. being OKAY with not identifying as a runner right now. to know that mel is going to leave and not feeling scared or alone. a few months ago even, the idea of her leaving would have sent me into anxiety. the home i am starting to build inside of my self is coming together. I am feeling inner peace for the first time, without anyone elses energy pulling me in any direction. of course – i love connecting with others, and its a huge part of my joy and what makes life worth it– but the inward expansion i have felt the last several weeks inspires the fuck out of me. Since i decided to freeze my eggs, i feel no rush on finding a partner or having childrne. its like the weight just fell right off of it. I have not been dating, and honestly dont really desire to right now. If i meet someone- my heart feels the most open its felt in months, because i am the most open to myself i have been in months. the most at peace, in forgiveness, in self compassion i have ever been. I have forgiven everyone in my life- FULLY. i hold no resentment toward anyone in the world right now and its actually the most liberating feeling i have ever experienced. i am in the mood to create, inspire and expand. its only fitting that i start my coaching program next week – so that i can learn how to hold others through their own emotions.

it feels so damn good to finally walk the walk. I used to know what i was supposed to do. listen to the podcasts, read the books- and then project those things but at the end of the day i was still living in fear, in the past, in insecurity. NOW?! i am walking the walk and i feel so free. i am in integrity fully. i still have days (especially mornings) when i will feel the cortisol surge and i will replay moments or events from the past and who i was back then and cry, or get overwhelmed- but i FEEL The momentum forward. I have booked a week in costa rica for January to learn how to administer psychedelics for mental health and its for practitioners to do poyilocibin, MDMA , ketamine etc. after the journey i have had with control in my romantic relationship w matt, my own PTSD, anxiety and forgiveness w my parents and my life- i realize that mental health is truly where it all starts and ends. i want to facilitate and help others and in my core i believe this is one of the most profound ways to get there. the last day at my job will be dec 31- and i will start to plan my travels and what i want to accomplish next. i look back to last year and see how i WANTED all of this- why i found and hired adi and sophie, did the MDMA, listened to all of this stuff- but i was not healed enough to actually implement it. at the time i thought it was matt and who he was and that the relationship was the issue but now i see that it was me. that dynamic, needing to break out and hit the bottoms, let myself crawl around down there, find the closure and the acceptance before i was able to enter this next phase. it feels SO good. but simultaneously of course grief exists. we are never all on one page or in one emotion. we are dynamic beings, and thats what makes it so damn beautiful.

Of course theres the part of me that wonders- did tylers read my letter? does he see and know how much ive changed? does he love me enough to be curious about a new dynamic forreal bc its already happening? did he see or feel that i am not scary anymore? does he realize how much i KNOW i dominated the dynamic in the past? that i would give him so much more space to be himself this time? that i want to know so much about his thoughts and learn him and see him and support him? i wonder why he asked me what sophie and adi think– his comment about the tree. does he know i would be so so different for the first time ever? does he trust me enough to even explore that as an option? i have these questions, but its okay. i may never get the answers. radical acceptance baby. i may have to live life with a fat question mark about all of it. regardless, i feel so much LOVE that exists between us. and i know that it is there and always will be. i can hope, but i also am confident enough within myself to keep on keepin on.

im about to hop off the roofdeck (literally sweating lol) and head down the hall to mels apartment. i move to floor 6 at the end of this month. headed to NYC next weekend to see katie, ryan, noah- and get my tattoo. i am contemplating whether or not i am doing the right thing w regard to denver, but somehow in my gut travel is calling me. not in an escape way- but in a grounding, expansion way. i just have a weird feeling that its exactly what i need to do.

other things on the to do list

  • cpr
  • cpt exam
  • relisten to IFM hormone modules w notes
  • move my license to CO fir when i get back
  • book travel retreats // find where i want to do my 500 hour for yoga training (200 now– need to find the right fit)
  • make a training plan to rehab my right leg and see if i can get back up to a 10k by the end of the year
  • plan and pack for corsica for my bday
  • launch creating 30 podcast

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s