breaking the surface

so many wins.

I had my week 12 call with Bryn tonight. we talked about where I was when I started with her over 4 months ago, and where i am now. How I have started to advocate for myself, and make decisions that support the version of myself i want to be. we talked about vibrations and how shame and guilt is at the lowest end of the spectrum – and how i spent so much time there as i processed. we talked about me self advocating and building self trust again– and where i have showed for myself drastically since early this summer.

my shifts:

  1. I put in my notice at work and stated my needs.
    Where i thought i would meet so much resistance and pushback, i was met with love and softness. My current company wants me to stay- and is waiving the penalty if i stay into next year. I know that is not in full alignment with what i need right now- so i trusted myself. I asked if I could shift it back, or pay the fee. I found out yesterday that It was honored. simultaneously last week, the company i have been in contact with in CO reached out to me and stated they l thought i was the best fit moving forward and offered to pay. The most empowering feeling of all? is that i am choosing myself. i am going with neither option. I feel so desired and so much joy for the space i exist in within my career right now – yet TRUST myself enough to know that the right fit will fall into place when i am fully ready for it. what my heart needs right now- is to slow down. I want to teach yoga in a ecolodge, or work on a farm in a small village in s america or europe for several months. i want to CONNECT to the ground, refind my fun. i spent so much time in my masculine– scared, afraid, dominating, serious in the last several years. I am ready to play again, shift into presence and lightness. i immediately feel the self judgement start to surface, but i am able to fully let it slide off of me and KNOW i am exactly whwere i need to be.
  2. I got my injections
    My energy healer and mel both did not think it was in my best interest in learning how to retrust myself. BUT i listened to the whisper– the 10% that said yes. 90% of me was saying “this is a bad idea, bad things happen to you- dont do this” but that whisper led the way. I am almost 2 weeks out and while i am feeling weakness- i have had 2 pain free runs. i realized that even if this does not work for me, long term I listened to myself and that is SUCH a gift. after years of not knowing how to trust my gut or myself .

    3. I finally saw matt, got my bike, and got to give my peace.
    The shame and toxic spiral i was in about how i treated him lifted (i still have learned immensely from it). I was able to actually show him and tell him how i felt while simultaneously existing in my power, as my full self. I got to show up fully as the person i have become, no games, testing or undercurrent expectations involved. it felt so good. to choose me. my health. presence. and to let that shit go. of course i asked 10000 questions about how he felt about me and the situation- but when i know how i feel or what i want, i will never hold back. i never want to regret not expressing myself. I don’t feel a “need” or pull to be with him like i used to. I can see a whole ass future and FUN life w him but I also feel excited about my future without him. its so beautiful to feel so free in this space. trusting that i am exactly where i am meant to be. To feel so much love electricity, connection and desire without deep attachment or jealousy that used to run the show. To let go of all my old behavior patterns and just be me. today. and know how much love exists between us. i am so happy that it happened the way it did. he stated that we are not equals. we WERE not equals- thats for sure. but from where im standing now? shit hits different. I am in such a good energetic place with it. It shows you how important relationships are to your energetics and well being — even if it doesn’t mean that person is in your life. just being in a good place with them, matters to me more than anything.

    4. I am moving apartments
    my rent month to month went up- and i made the commitment to sign …. except im only moving down a floor. I am saving so much money around $800 a month by doing so- and being out of my contract, i am feeling SO empowered and strong. I advocated for myself with the leasing offfice. i was scared and intimidated and after several emails back and forth and a long phone call the manager said “thank you for being so kind to me. you have no idea how many people just yell at me before i am able to do anyhting about it” i explained that i used to work as a nurse and that.i knew how it felt. i am learning so much, how to step into my power, advocate for myself- and i truly feel the most like myself than i have in a LONG time. i feel a sense of freedom, excitement, trust and deep love. for myself, for life.

    The depression is still there– absolutely, but it feels like a huge layer of the onion has been peeled back. I can fucking breathe. i am tempted to stop my zoloft lolol but i will not- anxiety started when i was little, so i will continue at least until i finish this next 6 mo of DBT. I also cannot believe how much DBT has changed my life. i recommend it to my patients ALL THE TIME. i start coaching next week (learning how to be a coach for others) and i think it will help me in rooms with my patients, as well as if i were to start a life coaching or relational business on the side??? details to come. All in all, making a lot of momentum. its insane how we know what we need inside. i KNEW i needed out of job, to see matt in a space of forgiveness, make progress on shin…. but getting there this last year felt absolutely impossible. Never trust your lows– they are not your home. headed to malaikas for dinner. off work tomorrow to make decisions about colorado, rent etc!



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