The effort i have put into my friendships lately has come back in a big way. its true that what you put in, you get back. I had been feeling so much shame surrounding my vulnerability, because of where it got me in my romantic relationship. but when i am met and equalized, my vulnerability is my superpower. Others have invested in me in a big way about their lives. I have become the go to person for so many people in the last year, and to me– being called in moments of panic, anxiety and fear is the biggest gift. i would so much rather be there for someone at their worst than just love them at their best. I think– thats what i yearn for in my friendships, too. Of course having a blast, joking and fun are important, but that deeper connection and real shit matters to me much more. my mind goes back to that couples therapist and the situation about brunch LOL.
the truth is, I am so fucking loved by my people. new friends , or those that i have known a while but were 4/5 tier friends (lol at my tier system), have confided and broken down walls to get to know me on a deeper level. called me in difficult situations, or when emotionally dysregulated. what i have gone through, and the work i have done on communication and nonviolent communication is really starting to make a difference in all the relationships in my life. i did it due to how i showed up romantically, but its made me a better friend person and provider all around in my life. even at work, taz says she does not typically invite providers back that leave- but i am an exception to that. I have felt like a failure in so many ways this year but i am reminded all around me in my life where i show up and where i emit good, positivity and people that are eager to get to know me better and love me. matt was the only one who didnt REALLY see me. they say that we let those who dont see us impact our psyches the most- and i think i am living proof of that. the one rejection is the one person we want to prove ourselves to the most — i think thats a mark groves quote.
i was in my head a lot today. going through the motions, and a few emotional breakdowns about what comes next. i still feel so confused, like i am floating. next thing to tackle is my fear of two feet on the ground– but we will save that for year 30.
i keep trying to sum up this letter to matt in miami this weekend but nothing i write is sufficient, i have written so many drafts over weeks-months. PAGES of shit, some too detailed, some too remoresful and taking the blame, others just poor writing. theres a note in my phone where i write in the middle of the night or day when i panic and feel something i wish i could have said or asked or done. the nightmares are less intense and i am actually getting enough REM sleep with my SSRI. i cried full fledge tantrum on way home from work/yoga tonight about going to get my stuff and seeing him. my heart is not okay at all. i am a better human by a long shot than i was the last time i saw him, and i am stronger than ever but my heart is the most fragile its ever been. i hate how i was and i wonder if the outcome would have been any different if i would have walked away 3 years ago, or forgiven faster. i really dont know. i kind of doubt it because i feel like things that are meant to work out always do. me wanting this consistently has been a trend (minus 2021) and i have to trust that his persistent acts of willingness to toss this in big ways is the universe guiding me and showing me that hes not meant for me and will never love me like i love him. it sucks. but i honestly dont even know if i like the real him vs the version of himself he showed me when he wanted to. thats the thing about huams, we are so different depending on circumstances and our surrdoundings. i just wish we could both drop all walls and just be present together because i think we would both see that we are each others people- but i am not going to say that. theres no point.
mel moves next weekend and i offered to drive her the entire way to texas.. lol. shes been the highlight of my year. i will miss her a lot, but it will force me to branch even further.
i am 4 days out from botox. still have not tried running and i have some local soreness but much better than it was on friday. crossing fingers. i really, really hope it works.
me and meows are cuddled up ready for bed.