Since my concussion on the solstice, my insides have shifted. ive started turning my power over, completely. I never used to understand when someone fully turned to god, or the universe asking for prayers or help. I used to look down on and make fun of religion. …. not that i have come to jesus by any means, but lately i have started trusting in something bigger than me. I have always utilised strong opinions and control for outcomes, yet i find myself “stuck” in indecision frequently when things do not go my way. The only actions we can control are our own, yet at almost 30, i have somehow lived this far in life doing my best to dictate others and act however i want. the fact that i still have friends? miracle, lol.
Honestly, its just been about taking a step back and taking responsibility for myself. Not only has that been difficult for me to do- but its really showed me areas where i need to be better, softer , kinder. Things have not worked out the way i wanted them to, and i am heartbroken. it fucking sucks. AND i have started to trust that something else is meant for me. I have to trust in the universe/ whatever guides us- because i am at a loss. i have waived my hands up as of late.
all decisions and next steps feel paralysing to me. At work, even in my darkest days- they are loving on me and accepting me. understanding and caring. i have made amends with so many people for who i used to be. i will and am always in the becoming. i am struggling to decide what comes next for me. WHat i want is not an option, but sitting in denial or indecision is not healthy either.
i have my IFM hormone course this weekend, and i will also be in wyoming for my procedure. I have decided against doing it unless i am 100% certain- but i do want the imaging. emory is starting to do trials. intergrative medicine is a beautiful thing. its 6pm and my eyes are closing on themselves. i have yoga in an hour, and i am sleeping at paulas tonight. Overall, i am learning so much. i am learning myself better too and seeing my own love and strength. the negativity i used to live in , and how naturally accepting and non judgemental i have become. its really cool, actually. to see my own growth. the best part is that its not for anyone else.
i love you. im sorry. thank you. please forgive me. ❤