fear

Mornings are the hardest for me. My cortisol running, my new thoughts yet to ground me. When i think back and examine my truth, emotions, feelings- i realize that i was scared of you too. i was not safe enough inside of my own body and nervous system alone, so when you rejected me, cheated, etc it sent me into an even greater state of panic and anxiety. i did not forgive and i isolated myself in the same tiny apt as you. i would take the negatives and let them be my narrative, creating a terrible reality. not seeing the love and positive pieces you were exerting and bringing with you as well. I let myself stay stuck in the life i thought i wanted instead of becoming present to you RIGHT THERE in front of me willing to love me and create connection moving forward.

now I feel so much sadness and emptiness. knowing even that our love was tied and connected for years on end, literally- even through less obvious times or moments. the fact that you are simply gone energetically hurts my heart. i replay moments i regret frequently- telling you to get out of the car on the side of the street, etc. i seriously did not know at the time that it was not okay. even last year i had poor reactivity skills. zero self soothe regulation tools. i am so sorry. i know i did a lot of damage. i needed to learn. the trauma hit and i just reacted for years. i didnt deal w my shit b. i discussed it with my energy healer tonight. i am trying to figure out a way to truly forgive myself, and not take nearly 4 years as it did for me to forgive you. i am trying to see all of it as a lesson in forgiveness.

I do see a beautiful life on the other side for me, but its just ALWAYS been you for me. inside of my heart i have no interest in others. I regret dragging you and punishing you when i was not ready to engage in 2 feet in or forgiveness. of course your life is easier and more fun now. i had so much resentment built up and did not have the tools. i know we are all different, its just so hard. i see now that connection is an ongoing effort and not everyone loves in the same way. im sorry i tried to get you to love like me. im sorry i did not respect you. i am so sad theres a divide or wall that feels impermeable that no matter how hard i knock or ask to come in or through its just rock solid. like the decision is made in stone. i need to trust , though. if you strongly feel that is what is right and best and truest for you — no matter how much i work to change, apologize or how long i wait , then you know you. youve got you. i dont see it, get it , understand it. i feel like i fought against my fundamentals to forgive you because i KNEW i wanted a life w you. and now i have forgiven. it kills me that you are not still here for me to love and co create w on the other side of the forgiveness and self work. i gotta somehow trust it, trust you. i do trust you actually. so much wisdom and love. sorry i was blind to it. you know whats best for you. therefore- its whats best for me, too. the universe has to have something planned for me that i cannot see. i am doing the best to trust in that, even if right now it feels insurmountably painful and scary and lonely. i miss you . you were the love of my life and best friend. how does that just go away for you? i will never fully understand.

regardless, i hope you have a good monday and week. i tell myself writing to you or about you is a good way to purge my brain as mornings are the hardest for me but idk if it keeps me in stuck or transition mode. i gotta think about that part. im gonna have a full patient day today and energy healing tonight. i am so exhausted, even after 4 days off. my body cannot get enough sleep recently. depression i think. sadness. processing. re wiring. theres no way its forever. i have so much i want to send you. this is so hard. its been 10 months… but to my heart feels like yesterday. will it ever get any easier? how are you able to just move on? i dont blame you, im not mad, i love you- its just hurtful.

sav.

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