I sat in the emergency room, tears streaming down my face on the summer solstice, in agonizing pain. remembering the times he was next to me, promising me, loving me. This was just more pain. in the decade i spent with him, I had drastic, stark contrasts. Pain so deep it fully encompassed me, and other moments so bright and alive. Held, free and completely in tune. how is it possible to feel such opposites about another human? how is it possible that when we fall deeply in love we wrap our hearts, souls and identities around another?
retrospectively red flags were flying from day 1. They persisted and continued- the only reason they ever stopped was due to my strict all encompassing grip. the unhealthy control i exerted in response to the trauma. in no way was the emotional abuse right. , justified, ok. any of it- but it WAS in response to feeling so unsafe and threatened. from day 1 with dana- to the other girls. to mom. all of it- created an undercurrent of lack of safety for me and my nervous system. a feeling of worthlessness to a person i was investing years of my life and emotional energy in. it created an undercurrent. one that i thought i fixed in 2014 when we called it on for real… again- not by any means to excuse my behavior. it was so unsafe, trapping- and if i couldn’t forgive i should have immediately walked. i regret it every day, but i learned through it. i am a better person because of it. seeing my darkest worthlessness has allowed me to sit in this dark empty space now. the depression i am fighting. the darkness of every day, and choose to rebuild myself. it will be slow. it will be subtle- but i started making the choice shortly after that ER visit.
As i called my dad at discharge at 6am, the valium hitting hard- i climbed into bed and slept for 12 hours. the following day was my darkest day to date. suicidal thoughts crept in where hope and joy previously resided, and came front and center for the first time. I could not escape my head. my brain full ,swirling with memories. every little thing spiraling – pictures, scenarios replaying in my head. i was unable to ground and take control of the present moment. i called my mom- and told her i got it. how she has been in places like this before. i texted melanie from my bed – she came and sat out in the hallway until i let her in. she said she KNEW something was wrong with the way i texted her. it turned into a full discussion on roe v wade, and talking until 2am. I decided to take messy action to start to choose myself. i texted matt to retrieve my things, with mel laying on my bed in the dark. no more waiting. no more power dynamics. time to take control of my heart and my life. i had been playing one long decade ass game, and it was game over.
shortly thereafter, my notice at work- choosing healing, myself and what i know i deserve. i want to be valued. across the board. CHOSEN in a partnership without me asking, initiuating, constantly begging. DESIRED at a job and paid for my value and effort.
next? comes the lack of desire for sex or attention – at all. realizing all of that in my life has come from feeling so unvalued both in high school, and then with matt. so unloved, and manipulated. i did treat him horribly the last 1-2 years as i have discussed in other posts. and NOTHING justifies or makes emotional abuse or punishing him for what he did ok. That being said, i did feel unchosen, unwanted, unloved and most importantly unseen and unvalued – every single day. i was so anxious and unhappy. i see the low self confidence in myself in choosing him as a partner for me. what i was allowing into my life even in my early 20s – i thought it was confident. As i heal at almost 30, i see now that i will never just have meaningless sex, or give into the human desire. I do think energetically we are meant to connect, but 9/10 times- when you end up regretting the encounter, its because its coming from a wounded place. that has been me the last 3 years. every sexual encounter i have not with matt, i deeply regret. he was my energetic connection. i loved him with every part of me– and when i felt rejected, unchosen ,traumataized – i chose to act out of integrity with my insides and engage in sex with people i do not love or care deeply for. it has never left me feeling good about myself or who i am. i can actually confidently say that in my life, he is the only person i have 0 regret sleeping with because i actually love/loved him.
As i sit deep in this depression trying to build confidence, and feel so down- i do see the growth and the steps i am taking to heal myself. my choices not to engage in any flirtation or date, only talk to selective influences, and to tune inward and build myself from the inside out – are not easy. its easy to compare to mel post divorce or even how happy matt sounded or described his energy/ease on the phone – but the real deal? is i know me and what i will take to really heal, and its nothing like that. for me? i feel shit deeply. realllllllllly growing and changing, finally for just me. no surface shit, but actually fundamentally changing my relationship to everything and everyone around me. Knowing my value and worth in every setting. carefully choosing my energetic circle. prioritizing myself. tuning into the little details in life. choosing my battles wisely. trusting that maybe matt is just finally developed enough to say the words no out loud for the first time in a decade when really his actions have been showing it all along. its completely destroyed me along the way. its held me back. who i could be with a partner that fully chose me and invigorated me… i cannot even imagine. if i felt loved and confident and connected to… i cannot even imagine. i have felt rejected for 10 years, and as previously mentioned we are WIRED for human connection. its torn me apart. i also see where i was rude, judgemental and uninviting as a 19-28 year old as well. thats the beauty in loving other flawed human beings. finding forgiveness and committing to working on our shit. As i better my fundamental fibers, the more lax and ease i find myself in. i want to dance and laugh. i trust connection more. building self worth and self confidence is hard. its much easier to give in. to look or show up a certain way. but i will stay authentic to myself in this process. 1 depressed day with 12 hours + in bed at a time. I am right where i am meant to be. i am trusting that now more than ever before. i am finally starting to choose myself and actually set boundaries that mean something to me.