its 2am and im in bed. my air filter is whizzing next to me, penny snuggled up next to me. Just came back from a long night out with melanie. Lots of laughter, real life chats, discussion for the future. I admire her depth and ability to really tap in with me. I leave most conversations with her invigorated. She holds me, yet she has a side of toughness to her. She will say “i am not engaging you are ruminating next topic” and then other times will say “if you really need to talk about it i will”. i feel so emotionally safe with her – not just in that i can be myself, but that she can take it. i dont scare her. nothing i do or say or feel is too much. she will push back with me, and we often get into it. She has been one of the major influences in my life this year- probably the largest. i am beyond thankful that we met and i truly beleive the universe did this on purpose. i was meant for this path, wherever it leads me. i am right where i am supposed to be. i will not ask or beg anymore for my relatioship, because if matt truly sees this as a closed door and does not see a future down the road, it is truly his loss. i am more than willing to grow and change and adapt in my life and i am an amazing person. i realize how unhealthy so many of our dynamics were. beyond the things weve talked about but even with family, money, discussion on life things- etc. the need for more in depth discussions is critical.
i am also making plans for my travel itenerary and 500 hour yoga teacher training. i am going to start with the swim in the virgin islands. full circle from when this nightmare started. i will choose to live my life and move forward from there- its crazy the synchronicities in life. I will make my way to bali, europe, and obtain certifciations along the way. i am set to take my CPT exam and i start my coaching program aug1 so that i can learn to coach and lead others. i have a lot in the making, but i need to get better first. this depression has been unlike anything else i have ever experienced. Tonight was the first night i felt alive in a long, long time. months. i am making moves, even though it sucks and they are not easy to choose. a lot of things i DONT want- but i am showing up with grace and love anyway. thats what life is really about at the end of the day. i am grateful and have to believe in humanity, connection, others capabilities. i am learning to slowly lean in and trust myself too. i was not a safe person- a friend, partner, daughter. i lived in fear. its been me alone in rock bottom to see myself and come out of the shell. somehow i feel like this is just the beginning. i have a really loving and pure heart that wants to be connected with and ignited. its been so broken, but has also healed so much. i am trusting in this process.
I go to wyoming next wknd to get injections for my shin- i am on the fence about it but if i get pain free running back i will be bawling with gratitude. the following weekend to miami to get my bike. i am simultaneously looking forward to it and dreading it. life is not black and white. love is complicated. feelings dont always mean actions. i turn 30 in 1.5 months- which is actually crazy to think about. gonna launch my podcast soon.
not sure if this post makes a ton of sense, my eyes are closing on themselves.