I have that slow down hurry up mentality. I want to move or push into my next phase without completely shedding and accepting where i am. Mentally, its hard to move. had two coaching calls today. I am working on building my insides, grieving and healing- slowly but surely. I do not want to repeat patterns. i do not protect myself, and i love too hard. i do not focus on what savannahs life looks like naturally. it automatically focuses on matts. I need to relearn who i am and who i show up as in the world to emit and show others. who he was naturally threatened me – and i tightened my grip in control , and it was beyond wrong. it perpetuted and continued for years. now? i know that to love someone fully is to let them be their entire whole selves, no anterior motives or outcomes. no matter what i want or desire. i have to trust that i never would have started this growing or healing process without the breakup. I never would have seen my shadows so clearly. that i do control when a partner makes me feel unsafe or unchosen. that i needed to build and find safety within myself. i would never have started to tap into self awareness and changed my own dynamic. learned how to love myself or take no as an answer with grace and love. I would not have learned how to ask for help from many in my community. I am working on not pushing or asking, but its difficult. i “say” grace and stability but i truthfully don’t know if that is how i have been. It’s better than it was at least, that is for sure. I do think that its being loved with breadcrumbs, actually. pushing for bluntness and to be denied.
i think i yearn to be fully valued for who i am. I want authenticity, and truth. I want joy and fun, but not leaky. I am learning how to be a grounded energetic field. its okay that i am not the same person i used to be. i am choosing to build this next version of me, and she looks different. i am actually leaning into walking the walk- for once. the more new people that align with me, the more i shift and change.
I can have lots of love for him, and also know that his desires and lifestyle are not aligned with my highest self. the way he operates with conflict, communication – does not make me feel safe and i cannot control. therefore- I think our hearts love as much as one another/each other, but beyond that i am uncertain. i fear the lack of communication with him if he enters into a lifelong partnership, but i have to trust that whats meant for me will happen. i think i do really trust that and the universe has him rejecting me in many ways over the course of 10 yrs. somehow, i need to believe it even if i dont want to and it feels wrong in my body. i am wired to see a whole full ass life w him. I also know that i have been extremely insecure in myself in my life. maybe 30 is about finding security and stability within myself. i got too fixated on the relationship in the past.
i went to get an egg freeze assessment today- i have 37 healthy follicles in this cycle and freezing per year is only $600. Retrieval is expensive, but i want to get good healthy quality eggs and ensure that i do not feel the pressure of a clock. I want to take my damn time finding a fully aligned partner. I am not even close to ready to start dating or putting my energy out. they say what you emit you attract, which i believe to be true. However, if we don’t genuinely breakdown to breakthrough and feel everything deeply- we will emit erratic energy, attracting all types and walks of life. I do not desire that type of attention or leaky energetics. I want calm, comforting, grounding. I want nature and swimming outside. warm fires and warm covers. i want deep connection. with the earth, with myself, with my life and my purpose. We can only connect as deeply with other as we have with ourselves. I am finally in a deeply connecting place with me. I know the next love i have will be much deeper due to my own evolution and work. i am working to trust fully in my own process. i get so triggered when i talk to matt, and i asked for a second conversation, actually. if i ever ask to talk – he will, which again shows the deep love and ultimate respect we both have for one another. its been there all along. our ways of thinking feeling loving and operating are just so drastically different it feel like we never even fully took of the runway. but i cannot get bogged down in that.
i am making slow plans to move forward and enter the next phase of life with a healed body heart and mind. i think i AM making forward momentum , for once. the stagnation is lifting.