I sit from a place with a calm nervous system. in a place of forgiveness and understanding. yet- simultaneously I feel frustration with myself. i can look back and see it all so clearly now. i was so activated. what i needed to heal. how matt would have felt so frustrated, too. The selfish take i took to so much of life, even pre infidelity. the caretaking role he played. the emotional regulation i needed. how i got so bogged down and fixated on the trauma. i didn’t show up to the present moment with him. i spent over 2 years trapped and stuck. it was like a cage. i trapped him in with me. its hard to be on the other side looking back and realizing all of it. still having so much love and wanting to change it all. im running in place. it sucks. theres no other way to put it. AND theres nothing i can do. its what exists in the “both and”.

i am trying to create a life i love but i feel so defeated. i know its one relationship and it should not impact me this much – but if anyone saw how hard i fought to get past that infidelity.. lol. they would get it. im finding my own answers to things as i go. its hard. i also struggle to let people in, and dont have feelings for other people easily. my heart is a closed door. I have 0 interest in dating anyone at all. im so shut off to it. i am in deep grief.

i also found out i have mold toxicity, which is in part of what drove my mental rumination and illness. working to heal one thing at a time.

i put in my notice at work on sunday. i have some networking in the piplelines but honestly it feels so wrong to actually move forward w my life. its accepting and somehow choosing to do it anyway i guess. its not easy or desired. I am doing IFM certification to get more clear on functional guidelines. i do have passion for functional medicine and health, holistic healing. i think i am in the right area- but ironing out details can be complicated. i meet with taz on tuesday to make final adjustments and plans. i gotta find a way through, somehow.

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