the time has come. i want to start writing to heal. i actually have a gift when it comes to writing, and they say the truth will set you free. My truth is in my life story. heres what i know:
- no matter how traumatic an event is, if someone truly deeply loves you through and through the event will not impact you in a major way (thanks mom and dad)
- when someone loves you with half of their heart- expect years to a decade of pain. (should have listened to john mayer)
- emotional intelligence is the willingness to have a difficult conversation and stand your ground no matter how hurtful or scary. Despite unidealistic outcomes. its also my non negotiable when dating. fuckin stand your ground. call me out. tell me to take 10 and re enter. be a man. not to generalize that word but seriously when someone can be emotionally intelligent AND call me out ? thats how trust is built.
- toxic is trending. we are in a movement of disposing people and thinking its “boundaries” when in reality its selfish …. when these people get old and need health help and are isolated.. then what? who are they supposed to lean on? why is there no middle ground in finding peace instead of tension in relationships? im not a cutter never have been never will be . if it was up to me, i would be on peaceful terms with every single person in my life. and from my end? i would make peace with anyone that has “cut” me out. if ever they gave me the benefit of the doubt. but this is why i am me and cannot long term relate to these ppl. its just easier to turn heads and ignore. “move forward” when in reality its shoving under and not looking at it or having respect for proper loving distancing.
- the person that swore they loved me and wanted to spend the rest of their life with me for a decade also lied to me for an entire decade, in the end- took care of me, made me laugh, had tons of fun with me, explored new countries. also- enabled me, dehumanized me, ghosted me/ cheated on me/ lied to me/ drained my emotional energy, bank account, energetic spoons, and learned many life lessons and growth from me. so many empty promises. He then turned around and chose a life without me in a matter of 8 weeks. my gut was anxious for a year – i was erratic, insane, irresponsible– and very out of character. i asked every day if we would be okay. no shit i was asking that. it was not my energy i felt but i KNEw something was constantly wrong. it was his lack of honesty. our last conversation he was messaging another female while i told him i was the sickest i had ever been – and recognized that i stood by him for his rock bottom. he plays the good guy- and on the outside he absolutely is. holds the door, volunteers, makes everyone laugh, never says no— but the reality is his actions and words NEVER actually matched. led me on till the bitter end and i loved him like hell to the bitter end. at least our personalities are consistent. another non negotiable for me- i am DONE with people pleasers. they are the most unhealthy for me. safety for me is in honesty and transparency and actions and word alignment… also people who KNOW what they want. this goes for men and women, friends, partners, co workers etc. it sucks to love someone and commit your soul to a human who constantly pushed away, never loved me fully back, and abandoned at every turn. thats the worst kind of pain. loving again will be tough yall but i am strong.
- self confidence and self worth come from honoring little you inside. little nanny. every day i ask her what she wants and needs from me and she says to be protected. too many people have not wanted to love her or be her friend. shes scared and wants love. we have been rehabbbing her. more surgery recovery than the clefts lately. she wants to know that i have her. im working on it. im getting there. slowly. its not easy. finding my way again– my mental helath is taking the front seat. but if you know me you KNOW I have a fucking fire in my soul
- im starting a podcast – its about reemerging from the dark. and creating life. and hope. and finding beginnings even when no fiber of your being wanted endings or loss. my gut. my dads cancer. my ability to run with CECS. my relationship with friends. my “forever” person . let me tell you what. the right people fucking stay. (one of my closest friends joked that i didnt want to go to UGA and the 3 closest relationships i had from uga shedded- the layer is off and it was the unvierse getting rid of what my smart in tune body knew.) i landed this job to learn what i dont want in integrattive med – side note actually do love integrative med. so cool. such incredible results.
- your parents love you and are open to learning from you once they respect you. they are scared, too. i have developed a much deeper stronger relationship with my parents this last 6 months. ive really been able to lean in and lean on them – whereas most of my life it was the opposite. i really have an amazing support system. i am working on being less self critical while keeping that inner fire lit
- there is no timeline to grief and healing. we cannot rush it. we must feel it to heal it and yall – i. FEEL it every single day high highs and low lows. the swings are insane. i have been through so much since i started this blog engaged working as a nurse in the NICU at 25. in another 5 years, i hope to be in love with my life and myself again- its been awhile. thanks for being along for the journey
- i am switching over to another blog– but one where people i know arent my first followers.i want to be 100% authentic, true and honest and build an audience with no filter- because thats who i am and how i am to my inner circle. its time for me to be free and tell my story. im not the hero. in my last chapter i was actually the villian, and emotionally absused someone i loved out of resentment. its the worst thing ive ever done in my life. it came from not listening to little nanny. but i also could have been stopped easily, too. i didnt see it. in my current chapter i am the bottom of the sea- but i know how to swim. i WILL get out of here, and nobody is comin to save me. healing, closure, and acceptance. they say its an inside job but idk about all that. lets just say i am feeling it to heal it. energy in emotion = emotion. im in nooooo rush. ill get there.
p.s. – there ARE humans out there that don’t cheat. that don’t lie. that dont lead you on for no reason. that dont bend over backwards pleasing but mean none of it. i am in my growing process- its a tough one but so needed. im learning how to take care of myself.