what happens when the pain in your heart and body takes over? when your spirit and zest for life feels absolutely gone. its beyond the pain of losing love, but its the pain of not having enough love inside of yourself outside of connection and movement. its wanting to give up completely.

you barely recognize yourself in the mirror

you cant even make eye contact- when talking to someone else completely faking it, trying to act and feel excited about life

your body inflamed, heart rate skyrockets on any physical exertion

exertional compartment syndrome after a year of testing, with no promises of resolution. the outlet of running completely gone

feeling empty in passions most days, and others feeling a huge fire to create, and break new horizons

feeling the drawback to my childhood depression, and feelings of “not enough-ness”. the setbacks in my body. the mental struggle of my family.

wanting to have the power back to create, explore, expand and feel GOOD but those days come in bursts sometimes. other days i am completely swept under- a huge wave ungulfing me. i feel absoltely worthless. like i am nothing and nobody and that all i do is hurt people, and that anyone that actually gets to know who i am on a deep level viscerally rejects me. that i am not lovable inside.

i feel my body aging, unable to do what it could even a year ago. my gut, my shin, my energy. I feel like i am decompensating. that something is deeply wrong with me.

i want a family. i want a supportive partner that actually loves me for who i am, that knows me inside and out and still chooses me . that doesnt lie and lead on and betray and pretend and coward. who i feel safe to love back and give fully to. i think i DO want children.

i want to switch blogs, because i dont want anyone i know to see this

i barely got out of bed today. i dragged myself to brunch and put on a face.anxiety the undercurrent riddled beneath me. i am forcing myself to go to another social event this afternoon. sometimes, when i am in them i feel okay.

i never used to understand when my mom would drink or want to die, try to commit suicide. those rock bottoms to me felt unrelatable- and now i sit in that place. of undeniable depression, alterating with days of excitement and motivation. am i bipolar? how do i find rhythm again? i feel so miserable inside.

i think of the 3 people i lost last year that i loved- that rejected me and want nothing to do with me. that also contributes to my self worth – because i have never and would never do that to another human being. in all 3 scenarios, i would have handled the sitaution differently .i think i love deeper, care more, work with others much further. i lost myself doing it with matt last year- which is also a regret- but also an indicator of how much i love. how deeply i love. i dont fucking abandon people. i always give a date to circle back and communicate.

i hate my body right now and dont even recognize it most days, either. my hair is graying so fast. i cant move my body due to injury much, so the extra 10lbs feels like 50. i feel myself lying to stay afloat. i feel like absolutely nobody jnows or can relate to me inside. “stay positive” makes me want to throw up. i wish i could be one of those people that “embodies” that but it feels fake as fuck.

i would never hurt myself, but i dont want to be here anymore.

i feel like an absolute failure in my life. i feel like i emotionally abused someone last year. i didnt know. i escape and put on a happy face some days and even convince myself i feel happy-maybe i do in those moments? like hope or connection to self. a chance at a new life? but i think i know deep down its a lie. i feel uncomfortable. i dont know how to exhale anymore. in my own company. i run away from everything and everyone. im scared.

i dont want to take medication because i know this isnt who i have been . this is a result of immense trauma and betryal to my nervous system, and childhood truamatic events. everyone says im smart- yet i feel old, broken and absolutely hopeless. i dont know how to heal myself. i understand why my friends left. why my partner abandoned me. some of my friends say it was the universes way of shedding toxic people out of my life- and maybe it was. i never wanted to go to UGA and i met all of them there. everyone else is still here. i really dont know. we try to make meaning of things, and shunt things out. i think – nobody really ever knows. i think i really am a good person deep down. i care so much. i just have such a strong outter layer. i protect myself so deeply that i never reaally let anyone see my heart. i let matt see it, but i was SO angry at him and so i probably only showed the negative side of my heart. kate has seen it too. ive never even got to see the beauty in it. not that it matters. i dont know if i have the strength to love like that or even try again.

i care though. theres a part of me that does want to get better. i am crying as i type this. because it means i have hope. i want to heal my shin still. i want to feel love deeply again. that is really all i haev right now is hope- and so much of it feels out of my control. nobody is coming to save me . i heard myself on a podcast the other day and hated it – but its because i was lying on it. i had to put on an outter layer to survive. deep down i have been struggling with my mental health since summer 2021. its only gotten worse. it was at its lowest after matt rejected me again- but that was a temporary “low” caused by external circumstances. but the internal low is different than that. this is genetic i think. i dont know. maybe its trauma . all i know is it feels so scary and like nobody can relate. i remember not being able to understand my mom when she felt like this . i truly didnt get it. i remember thinking theres so much to live for. its insane and scary that i can even remotely relate to her or that.

i gotta get out of here. out of this place. i dont know what will help me. im scared someone will read this that i know. i am going to switch blogs because i filter on here sometimes too much. i want to start writing from my heart. deeply. not for the masses or to look pretty but to truly process as i am in this dark place– somewhere inside of me i know i can bust out. i jsut dont know how and i have a feeling it wont be soon. time to put on a face and show up – if ti was up to me i would just sleep until tomorrow. i dread every day. this is not okay. i dont know how to fix it. i think painles smovement would- but even starting over from there feels scary. my body aging. how to find acceptance? last week i did so many new things and it was fun. im serious its stark contrasts.

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