Our nervous systems dictate safety. Let us know when a situation, person or area feels safe to exhale into. With my chaotic background, finding safety and leaning into it is an ongoing struggle for me. When i find safety in someone, i anchor. take hold. trust in them. show my heart. open up and build with them on a visceral level. at almost 30, i have lost my once anchor- and i am left to navigate all over, finding what is “safe ” – to be, to love, to feel.

the truth is, I was in a relationship with a very unsafe man for a decade– I was treated poorly on the macro level yearly- yet I loved him through it, with my entire heart, unconditionally along the way. I continued to fight because in my body i had anchored deeply. I parented him , wanted the absolute best for him, grew him, never left his side even when my insides were constantly activated. I was madly deeply fully in love with him, all the angles and parts. On the micro level, i was treated perfectly. Cleaned for, cooked for, taken care of, emotionally regulated, activities and trips were fun, the little laughs, stimulation, excitement and play. It was wonderful- yet- when it came to respecting me, standing up for me, growing me, challenging me, committing to me, BUILDING with me? never. yet he did not SAY those things. it was in the actions. the words and empty promises were in the millions, yet the actions never followed through. If i would have had the strength, i would have ripped myself away earlier- but i didn’t. I wanted to believe the words. i wanted to believe if i stepped back that the actions would finally match — but of course the opposite happened. all of my worst fears came to light all at once, and i was still led on even to the very end. not told never, because i am wanted as “backup” even after all the pain and heartache caused. the truth is though- i have full confidence he will never find someone so committed to growing and changing. to making something of life, as loyal, as i am. so willing to change. that has a heart that runs as deep. that is as much of a yes person when in flow and in peace. no doubt theres a lot out there but on those? i aint got no worriesssss.

On the flipside though, I have been struggling , growing, learning, building more than i could have ever known possible in the last 6 months. its terrifying, sad, beautiful and multifaceted. I am mostly upset with myself, for letting myself be treated like absolute trash for a full decade. from being a fake name in his phone, to being cheated on early on, hid from his family, not being stood up for, financially leached from, and taken advantage of. I was unchallenged, proposed to (falsley??), cheated on and put at risk for stis, left to call off a wedding alone, in trauma trying to heal HIM. I never once said ” wait, no this is fucked up, i wont be treated like this” or asked why I was never pushed to grow. It was all about fun and play. a child physician at 29. This post is making it out like i have hatred, but i don’t . I am sad that i loved him more than i loved me. That i chased his fun and liked the way the joy made me feel-and when it was paired with the caretaking part of him ? it was like a dream. but i couldnt see the red flags flying enough. the macro , remember? its not about the meal he makes or rubbing my feet, or going where i want to, or the nights int he same bed. none of that matters. its about the BIG stuff. Of course i miss the small things, and i regret not giving him the small things back when i was so angry. but its much bigger than that. its about being a second choice. its about feeling so deeply unloved. its about not listnening to my activated nervous system. its about building confidence from the inside out. its about trusting. and learning to sit in rejection. its about knowing when to remove myself when someone is not showing up in a way that outwardly represents my ultimate goals. its about loss of love, and fear of love being lost. i am 29 years old and starting over. its messy, lonely, hard, and sad- but i am hand choosing on an individuilized basis who and what i let into my life and energy. you have to earn your way into my feelings and life. i am emotionally regulating on my own. ive been put through hell and back, and i will never let someone that activates me, hurts me, abandons, lies and half loves me. its goign to take me time but i will not go backwards, and i have grown too much and learned too much to ever go back again.

it will also take me time to settle and find my center, too. my nervous system is my guide. my confidence in self. my worth and where it is tied. I have already begun to meet men that are actual men. adults. that hold themselves accountable. its so attractive – i am growing in their presence alone. there are people out there that have BOTH. the fun and the self accountabiltiy and respect for others. its hard to push outside of comfort, but thats where the beauty lies. I am letting myself heal as much as i need , and i am also allowing myself to enter into situations and be around people to help me see a new life and the potential it all has. in the meantime, letting myself be in the gray and continue to download process and grow.

theres a lot for me to work on, but at least i am finally doing it for myself fo rthe first time in 3 years. i really think good things are coming.

im sad, heartbroken , in deeeeep grief- but in each and every day i do find joy, excitement and love for life. it will shine as bright again, maybe even brighter after all ive been through.


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