I remember in college my dad used to tell me that if i didnt treat my anxiety, it would undoubetly turn into depression… and here we are.
it was easy to assign it to grief and losing matt, but i think it runs much deeper. it was abandoning myself to love someone else. it was assigning my worth to my relationship. its for never believing in myself and going after my dreams because i wanted to save the partnership and save the love. I was afraid of losing love. its my biggest fear. and now i have. the abandonment i thought was it- but its not, its losing love. its feeling like i am not enough, good enough, loveable enough. its feeling still in love and knowing my love has nowhere to go. its trying to find grounding and passion again but not even knowing where my passion lies. its lack of motivation, living in fear, wondering if i have always been that way. wanting to change. feeling trapped in my own thoughts and head, a heavy chest. waves of grief just washing over me. its feeling like as i kid i was never smart enough, good enough. that my family was weird and different, and so was i. it was masking that pain. the constant “Resilence” – that i wore for so long. my mind is so fucking strong that when i wholeheartedly set myself to something- i can usually accomplish it. but the control takes hold- or really, the lack thereof. the fear of not having any. the safety mechanisms that i used the last several years that damaged someone i love deeply. its fear of finding true purpose and passion, finding a love that lights me up inside again. for aspirations. its trying to live and feel excited knowing that people always leave or die. that i will also age and die. how to find light in such a dark place. i thought that i would get better, and some days are- but many of my thoughts are focused on how much wrong i did and not knowing how to get myself unstuck. not finding love in myself for who i am with my anxiety, and feeling so much sadness that those i loved in my friends and in matt didnt try to work on things with me from a true or honest place- and that i couldnt meet matt in honesty when he was trying. sometimes i just want to slow my mind way down. i don’t hate myself. i really dont- i know who i am capable of being and who i have been and how much i love and how mcuh i care- but those moments are few and far between. i have been saying i need help for a year and a half now, and i have hired the help. the problem is- nobody can do it for me. when people always say “in a mental health crisis- call for help” it pisses me off. if you emotionally dump, people get exhausted. you can hire the help but they dont actually care. end of the day the only person that can help you and get you out is you. i never understood depression before this year. holy crap. if i ever get out of this place i promise to love harder and deeper and make each day fuller than i ever have before for whoever is still left in my life, and the people that i bring in. i have tears in my eyes as i write this because it makes me sad that much of my community and loves will be peolpe who never knew where i came from or what ive been through b- but those that do like kate and kaitle arent going anyhwere. they fight me. tell me when its too much. and love me through it all. i am lucky in so many ways and i dont want this to sound ungrrateful. i know how much i have- but i cant help what i feel. the crippling expectations and the lack of meeting them. the disempowerment, the self abandomment, the lost love. the grief, the aging, the unmet expectations, the failures. how to find light when its all so heavy. yet- i still show the fuck up. do my job. swim the miles. be a friend. travel. make the plans. that stuff is easy. its the emotional weight behind it that matters.
sorry this is a heavy one, but its how i am feeling.