Tulum and Reconnection

Tulum is a vortex of healing.

its also a strip of overpriced clubs and tourists escaping through laced mexican drugs, alcohol and sex.

prices are high

music is loud

you can absolutely lose yourself

instead, i found me. in the small moments, in the large places. Underneath it all, parts of who i was from over a decade ago shine through. today i asked a friend what i was like in high school. their response

“So free spirited, joyous, adventurous, kind hearted but always hard worker, curious and finding a sense of place”

that is me. in a nutshell. as i got sicker emotionally, i started dumping into matt. asking him to hold me as i navigated through fear. it was not fair. i have learned so much about who i dont want to be as a partner. i also believe that if i would have been with a true match for me, i would not have been that way. someone in their masculine and who loved me fully would have stopped me, had the heart to confront me and understand that it was for the good and longevity of the partnership. i had a lot of shadows and child like immaturity as well, but its just a realization i have come to recently.

Friday I met april and her mom on the bus- taking the cheap way through playa del carmen. I swear no matter how old i get in life, i will always travel like i did at 21 in bali. Cheap, long, authentic. its one of my favorite things about myself. I have been lacking in liking myself, lately. Ive felt a little like my life is ending when i turn 30- couldn’t be further from the truth, but the anxiety and panic have set in. Theres another part of me that thinks i could come alive if i move into acceptance.

April is 32 and divorced with 2 babies. Her mom has a vacation home in tulum. We connected, went shopping, ate together and laughed. their energy and love was infectious. It reminded me of how much good exists in those around us.

i spent friday night alone in my teepee bawling. I went to bed before 10pm and slept until 11am. My body heart and mind are grieving, hard. I listened to a podcast on neural pathways and grief recently, and i find it interesting how much sleep is needed in rewiring. could explain my absolute and utter exhaustion as of late.

Saturday, i ran my first 5k of 2022. My shin did not feel great, and i got caught in a downpour but i loved every fucking second of it. running is my release. I havent had it as a coping mechanism through this heartbreak and its nearly killed me. Its a huge part of me. i started in high school, and i miss it daily .I likely need surgery- which is a topic for another day. I listened to a podcast, and as i ate chicken tacos in the city i decided that i fucking hate eating meat and that no part of me resonates with it. I decided to go back to full vegetarian in that moment. for the first time in a long time, i smiled from the inside out. there i am.

i went back and went out on the beach- there i met a bachelor patry from uva and had an insane night out in tulum. all of the partying and irresponsibility. it was so fun.

on sunday i processed, explored, sat by the pool and meditated, got a massage, and really felt connected and plugged in. no part of me wanted to leave. it was the most present i felt in months.

sunday night, i went to dinner w a guy from the party that took liking to me, but i wanted to get back to kid francesioli- he was playing for free at my hostel. When we got back- it was late. 11pm and he got on the stage. i was not drunk after my 2 glasses of rose, but i immediately felt my energy shift as i started to dance. i let the fuck go , gin and tonic in one hand, cigarette in the other. there you are, sav. This was the song sophie played during the mdma ceremony when i was so unable to connect w matt. the synchronistic aspects were absolutely insane.i felt my heart light up and tune in. i almost started bawling. i was happy this stranger from the bach party that regnogized me from uga was there next to me dancing, too. I didnt like him- but i knew that company and presence and touch are healing, so i leaned in. after the show i sat down on the steps to take in a couple of deep breaths from all the self connection and processing i just did when kid francesoli came out himself. I told him thank you and how healing the entire process was for me.

We went to sleep, with an early wake up for monday- rain, missed flights and delayed bus rides. It was a mixture of sadness, rest, grief, depression that met freedom, light, genuinity, love, connection and peace. I think this is what it means to grieve and heal. the waves are insane day by day. i have made riskier decisions lately, but have been honest about them. I think this is what healing actually looks like- not control and manipulation for an outcome like i did last year – but exploring, healing, seperating, grieving, and making peace with who i am. trying to ditch the daydreams and meet reality. what do i want.

i set intentions for this month to help myself be more aligned. minimizing time on social and what i see/expose to, meditation, less movement, more sleep. less pressure, more trusting. i do want to be happy and i know that is not in success. its through connection and belonging. i lost and outgrew many of my connections– leaving that much harder. I trust that i can and will re establish as i restart. i bawled today at the pool woith my mom in a dark spot- and she agreed that i need to change my surroundings. this week also marks 9 months at work. 7 more to go and im free. one last summer in my 20s that will undoubtledly fly by with this work schedule. 30, flirty and healing- mindset shifts, and a new perspective on movement, health, purpose and love. we got this, babe.

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