The letter I may never send

Dear tylers,

I hope you are well. I genuinely don’t know if you have any desire to hear from me. I imagine that your nervous system feels threatened and scared after how I treated you the last few years of our relationship. My nervous system was continuously threatened throughout the last 3 years, and i did not protect myself. i handled it poorly. I understand if you need ongoing distance from me. I am writing this letter mostly for myself, but in the chance that we ever do come into each others lives again in some capacity- I would like you to know how sorry i am. i still feel the guilt deeply- but i have learned greatly from it. i am actually a different person than i was 6 months ago.

Ive read and heard that closure is an inside job. maybe it is. but you know me, until i go through something or do it myself– i leave it as speculation. I think we do things as humans when we are ready, or when the pain is so great we have no other choice. I think that letting go is not always a choice, but that moving on is an active decision. I acknowledge that is the road you have chosen to take. I understand that, and i respect it. It hurts me to my bones and It was not what I wanted, but I see now how unhealthy I was, which trickled into us as a partnership. I think also inside, my little girl knew you were not safe to hold us. thats why i asked you if i would be okay every day. I was asking and confiding in the wrong person. Truly ending was the only way out.

I want to apologize and take ownership. I fucked up, a LOT. In the last 2 years we were together, I learned and heard more podcasts about how to be in alignment and in my truth, and told you how to do it, but I wasn’t even doing it myself. I stopped following my intuition and truth because i loved you more than i loved me. I saw a future for us that was so bright, so fun so happy, that i sacrificed all that i had emotionally to try to get that outcome. I started manipulating, testing you, and acted in emotional volatility. I was not taking any responsibility for myself or take care of me and my own needs. I was so disconnected from my own body and bogged down in trauma. I genuinely did not realize the extent or depth of what i was doing, how it was affecting you, hurting us, or the emotional abuse i put you through. I was extremely insecure, and in fight or flight constantly. i was manipulative and volatile. the wounded hurt part of me was at the forefront of every decision, conversation, situatuation. I was so far from my own truth and integrity. Instead, i was always focused on yours.

I was unable to see how so many of my actions and power plays existed because i felt viscerally rejected, afraid, unwated and unloved. those emotions drove all my reactions, decisions and responses. I went from a grounded 22 year old that had passion, spark, direction and so much love in her heart– to a terrified, insecure, angry and rejected 28 year old between gastroparesis, my moms attempts and your infidelity. The truth is, life happens. its up to us to know ourselves and emotionally regulate in these moments. the only people expected to love you unconditionally are your parents. Since i did not trust my parents would always be there, you were the first person i grounded in and i expected you to love me unconditionally. I am so sorry for that. I did not know. I did not have the inner worth or tools to stay connected to my light and insides through those external events. Instead, i anchored to you. I emotionally dumped on you every hour of every day from when i got gastroparesis onward. I couldn’t see that for years. my anxiety and fear rose and instead of seeking help, i continued to emotionally dump on you as if you were my parent and i was a child. I didn’t know i needed to go to therapy, or get on an SSRI. What happened to me was terrible, but what i did to you in that process was not fair. I also stopped supporting you and encouraging you in this time- i went from being your biggest cheerleader , source of fun and adventure, supporting your growth to control, looking for you to solve all of lifes uncertainties and micro managed. i overrode my boundaries and abandoned myself so many times. I was not my own anchor, and that was my root to this unraveling. I cannot apologize enough. I am so so sorry.

My anxiety and obsessions were absolutely unhinged. my fear of the unknown and loss crippling. all the light that i have inside fell to the wayside. I was unable to hold all of life at once. As you were battling your own battles inside, i turned to control because what you were battling with felt like easy answers to me. That was unfair of me- to step into your story, tell you how to heal or go about it, and panic when i felt threatened. How fucked up it all was. I assigned emotions to you and pushed you to grow and change when you were on your own timeline. I did not have the self worth or understanding that we were on different trajectories and that i needed to step away. I clung to you like a kanga instead of actually really loving you. really loving you was to let you go. i did not and could not see that because my entire childhood was about holding on to stay safe. its taken the loss of multiple people in my life– but especially yours, to really see how flawed my thinking and attachments were.

I have healed enough to have an emotionally regulated conversation. I have done extensive work on myself, and started to reconnect to the part of me that is not in fear- the one that existed during college before i got sick and anxiety ruled my life. I ruminate much less, and am much less afraid of the unknown . I still mourn and grieve daily, as this loss has been catastrophic to me- because i actually do deeply love you. my actions and words the last 3 years would show the opposite, but i do. None of how i acted was because of who you were as a person- they are my own insecuries and unhealed shit that i neglected because i was so focused on you and stuck in victim mode. I let my identity become the victim and gave myself permission to emotionally dump and rule our lives from a place of anxiety. i was so fucked up and unwell. I have been grounding, processing, and reconnecting in the last few months. I still have more to go as “knowing” something and then acting from that place are two different things.

Anyway, you know me and how i can ramble forever. point is, I hope you are so happy. I am so sorry for all of the damage and the role i played. I am so sorry for who i was to you, how i treated you, and for putting expectations and pressure on you constantly. it was due to my own fears and lack of self love – not because of who you are. I adore who you are. i love who you are and i miss who you are. my life is bright without you, and i am more connected to me because i am less focused on what is outside of me, but of course you were such a bright light for me as well. I lterally could go through so many examples of how much fucked up stuff i did- and why it was wrong- but just know that i see it. i learned from it. and i am so sorry.

i hope the end of your intern year is going well, along with any other endeavors you are currently involved with. i love you.

sav.

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