transformation is just falling apart, rising, just to fall again.

dear matt,

today was a tough one. My grief, sorrow and pain comes in waves. Its super different than the pain i felt trying to push past the infidelity, staying with you, “healing”. its night and day. this time around, i am completely alone, and aint nobody coming to save me. I am in the chrysalis. Some days I find genuine acceptance within myself- something that was lacking majorly the majority of my life. I can change my place, people, circumstances- but until i completely shift my mindset, nothing will actually change. I am still the fun ass spontaneous give no fucks girl you fell in love w inside. The immense pain, heartache, lack of tools and depression just consumed her for awhile. On the days when i feel light and hopeful, i see the space and the opportunity for me to evolve. to grow into a new life. to find self acceptance and love in those places. I actually feel like i will be able to make it through this. sometimes i am so content with myself. my dreams. how i think. who i am becoming. i simultaneously cringe at who i have been and how dark and serious i got the last several years. the bitter, desolate, sad person that took the place of my heart that used to hold so much light. this shit is the hardest thing i have ever had to do- get myself out of the darkness. re wire, self motivate, discipline. with chroinc illness, with the weight of abandonment, visceral rejection of someone that for 10 yrs straight promised with words forever, even until oct of 2021. its so hard. resilience is a muscle. its an inside job. to not let the darkness consume me. i want to find a partner i fully can trust in and relax into again- but i dont know if i will ever be able to. in the meantime, no matter what outcome – the light needs to radiate from inside of me. instead of fear of loss (which is how i spent 28 years) i am shifting into the light being inside of me and illuminating those i come into contact with- whether or not i get the oppportunuty to attach, get to know them better, or love deeper. i have chronic complex PTSD. its not as simple as your classic PTSD, which is why its been so hard for me to function through so much of this. i attached to you like a parent, therapist, emotional regulator , best friend, and life partner. i never imagined an ending where we were not side by side. what i i didn’t see- however, was my constant critcism, negativity, harsh outlook, unkidness- and how that would push you away over the span of months as i was forcing myself to be with you when i was not ready, and had not yet forgiven. i wanted promises from you that you were unwilling to give me, yet stayed with me. it created so much bitterness, resentment, hurt, and negativity.

Something you said echoes deep in the depths of me, most days though. “we are both deserving of the type of love we want”.. it hurts because the truth is, you are and have always been it for me. into the fibers of my being, i wove you. I held back making you feel good about you. i stopped hyping you up, inspiring you and giving you all i had, because somewhere deep within i had a lack of trust. i never told you how obsessed i was with your hair, your shoulders, the strength in your hamstrings. the way your feets look when you are tired of standing. the way you are curious about everything. always open to learn grow and explore. your eternal optimism. the way you literally hop out of the bed in the morning ready to start the day. the way you laugh., what you laugh at. how into youtube videos youd get. how deeply you sleep. how easily you fall asleep. how actually in love i was with all of you. sometimes i still am. the part of me that lets me remove myself is the rational part of my brain that feels the deception. to the bitter end- you lied. you said one thing, did another. that is childish, boyish, and lack of respect. never believing you wanted this like i did. i still dont know if those 3 years you wre with me bc you wanted to be, if you were using me to learn, if it was shame, or if you actually ever felt like i do about you. my gut says nobody ever truly will be fore you- as your experience on this planet is to get swept up and in what you are doing. I know it will take you so far professionally, and your kind heart will move mountains. that , i am sure of. with regard to fully falling deeply into love– i think i didnt have the safety you needed, but i dont know that anyone will for you unless you ask. i realize you whispered your needs- i was so hurt, i ignored them. I get why a lot of this happened the way it did.

I have made the concious decision not to focus on you for once, though. for the first time since 2016, i am actually focusing on real sav betterment the last 6 months. i see how fucking flawed i was the last 3 years. how unfair i was. you wre too. so much fucked up shit. but thats how i know i am growing- because i look back and cringe. i have learend so much. even my recordings to you from a few months ago, i cringe. i did not know how to protect myself, self preservation , or anchor within. i am much better at that now. i have prepared myself inside for the fact that with your avoidant and flippant nature, we may never speak again. and i am actually okay with that. it saddens me deeply, but the beauty is- i get to create my own life. i may never love as deeply , want to marry, or feel the way i did about you- but acceptance is a huge part of life that i am working on. in so many ways. i am really proud of myself and i think you would be SO proud of me .the bootcamp hell i put you through? i have been putting myself through the last several months. Along the way i am also trying to plan my life out, at least a few vague pencil lines so i am not floating. i find myself envious of those with a solid plan or family, because sometimes too much choice can be crippling, too.

i guess all that to say- i love you like hell and miss you everyday. but i am really okay without you. i do love me. i am building community, making friends, and finding purpose outside of what this was and we were . its hard and hurts some days bad- and other days i am actually able to feel excited about a life without you in it- an that i could fall in love with someone who heart and soul wanted me. the truth is, i am not scary. my dysregulated, child like defense mechanisms are – and i was not ready to take responsibility and OWN that shit. now? i have, i do. the way i fight has changed drastically. so many battles are no longer worth it. the self righousness and need to be right? i let that shit go. i made hella mistakes the last few years. its okay. what is life without self forgivenss? but never laxity. theres an in betweeen and ill always stand by that. i wonder someitimes if you ever miss me, but i realize that is a sad thought and does not get me anywhere. it doesnt really matter. nothing changes. i cannot and do not have control. i am so sorry i ever attempted to love you with control- it was fear , not love. it was fucked up as shit- and i barely reconigze that it was me that did that stuff. im so sorry. i am working on forgiving myself for that, and trusting myself to never do that to someone i love again. i am changing how i show up in all my relationships, actually- its been really beautiful. im actually so proud of myself, even if from the outside looking in – doesnt seem like much. thats the whole point of growing healing learning and evolving as an inside job.

im falling asleep – 12 hours at work today. hung out w k and k after. i am so lucky and so loved. i hope you are enjoying yourself, and dont be a stranger.


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