Its been exactly a year since Matt and I leaned into a session with Sophie and Adi. Holy crap when I think about what has happened, and what lies ahead.
Ive been lost, trapped, afraid ,alone , completely gutted, immobilized and helpless. I hit my own rock bottom. i realized– nobody is coming to save me or help me out. The life i dreamed up and held onto for a decade slipped through my fingers.
the beauty in it is– I GET to rebuild my entire life. I wish i could say ive felt empowered, alive, and have faced my deepest fears and darkest shadows- but i am working on it. day by day. its the hardest thing i have ever done. I should have walked 3 years ago. it would have been much easier. I let myself get beat down and ripped from the inside out by someone who was not sure of me after 7 years. That did not advocate, try, or hold my heart. that sucked me dry and brought out the worst side of me i never knew could exist. AND i loved him anyway. even after the insane amount of cheating and disrespect. i lost myslf because i betrayed my own integrity. I became someone i didnt even recognize- and that is my responsibility, but if i would have self preserved, it never would have happened. Most days this year i have looked in the mirror and hardly recognized the woman staring back at me.
The intimacy i have chosen at times is not reflective of my actual values. its fear based. abandonment based. trauma based.
moving “forward” is the hardest thing i have ever done. I have learned that kisses are not promises, and love can never be the same between two people. That you cannot build a home inside someone else. there is no such thing as certainty.
I have started to lean into self empowerment. i am building myself back – but the problem is- there is no “back” because i am no longer that woman. The one who existed before. the naive, open hearted. I have hardened a lot. opening to anyone is impossible. I am trying to find love within myslef. truly. not “self love” trend- but actual compassion. discipline. direction. zest. trust. rebuilding trust with myself after so much trauma is not an easy task.
its mental hardness. physical feats are easy. but loss and mental hardness – an entirely different league.
abundance. v scarcity mindset
i have so much more to say but I am absolutely wiped.