choosing health

If given a choice in my life up until this point- i have always chosen the path of chaos and resistance. My friend is taking a mental health leave of absence from our job due to the toxic work environment. She says to me often “how do you do it all? don’t you ever break down? how do you not have adrenal fatigue?” AND shes right. I take on so much. try so hard. to perfect everything. its to an absolute fault, and i know it has made me unwell. i am finally crashing and surrendering to the crash. I want to go trek in nepal in 3 weeks. this stress fracture is healing very slowly, and i may have slightly overdone it on my walk last weekend.that was my first day fully out of the boot. if i want to be able to run marathons again, i need to fully surrender. call off the trek. be a beginner again. heal FULLY.

it sucks, its hard, its frustrating AND probably absolutely necessary. im finally choosing my health for the very first time. It’s also the first year that i am aging substantially. i can see it in my eyes, face, body. everywhere. it scares me because i worry i wont get the chance to have a family AND i know it will be okay if i don’t. it will always absolutely be okay. thats what i have to remind myself, again and again. i have got me. people can abandon you. leave. die. turn. i had a beautiful f amily model where this did not occur- but i was lied to , cheated on, gaslit, manipulated for 6 years. i have a ton of trauma surrounding trust and relationships. but at the end of it? – i KNOW that i have me. and im trying to actuallyt ake care of myself even if it means shut down and rest for the first time. i am losing all of matts energy from my body. im absolutely exhausted. I also know that i will rise when my body and heart have had time to heal. we are going west. and going to spend more time with my parents before that happens. its hard to spend time with people when. you dont feel good or like yourself. i have got to get to a better place within- healing my phyiscal body while my heart heals is where that begins.

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