As the weeks pass, I continue to integrate. I have more and more “oh shit” moments. I go through periods where all i want to do is text or pick up the phone to call tylers and apologize profusely and tell him how much i am learning about myself and how much I projected my own fears and insecurities onto him for YEARS. Acknowledge how it must have made him feel, apologize for being so fucking crazy. for not knowing how to hold and take care of myself like a damn adult, and instead used him as a parent figure. So many things, so many wrong turns. I have deep regret and shame. he did not deserve to be punished for so long, or even at all. I am sure i dysregulated his nervous system in the process. i wish someone would have explained this to me. He deserved freedom and forgiveness. I should have said it was too painful, taken time to work through the pain and grief, and then reopened it. I gave him all of my power, yet tried to control every little thing. its actually so unhealthy. or- was. thats what happens when you dont do you own work. when you dont know better. i guess thats what your 20s are for. lots of fuck ups.
On other days i feel so much guilt and shame, i want to tell him to just go and be happy, because i know how poorly i treated him. I did not know i had so much work to do on myself. the more I do in therapy for ME not for the relationship (which is what i did for 3 years), the more transformation i literally see by the day. its absolutely mind-blowing but also heartbreaking because i wish i would have known sooner, or that the outcome would be different. That being said- maybe if things had not gotten so bad, i never would have done this work at all. i am grateful for what i am learning about myself, and the ability to grow through this. I know i will come out stronger on the other side of it.
Today, my coach and i were talking about how to build confidence. the first piece is knowing that I deserve to be happy. talk about halted in my tracks. I started crying on the call. I don’t think i have ever fully felt that. the last time i felt that way was when i was engaged. we traced back where it came from- turns out its my mom. I blocked my own happiness the last few years because i didn’t believe that i deserved it alone, or with matt. the second piece is in believing that i have got myself. that part i feel more confident in. I do know how capable i am. i didn’t do a lot of it the last few years– i let matt clean, cook, take care of things. take care of me. but i know how to do all of those things- i always have deep down. I just became so unhealthy that i stunted myself, and my dysregulation took over. I regret how little i did. how small i became. the shell that showed up on the shore where the coral reefs were abundant with color before. im trying to find acceptance. every day, i oscillate between sadness and grief, denial and desparation, and radical acceptance. its tough. to actually mourn and move on and open my heart elsewhere feels impossible with a loss this deep. its so heavy. I am in no rush though, because i KNOW i need to heal and mourn and grow from this much whiplash and trauma. it was both of us. i can see that so clearly, now.
Toward the end of the call- i said to my coach ” i live in an activated state” she stopped, me and offered a shift– to “i used to live in an activated state. i felt a release. tears. love. so much – because i am no longer letting myself live in activation. In a calmer nervous system state, its like i can see clearly again. i want to make ameds with so many people. including matts parents. I would never cross that boundary without his permission, but my heart aches. i was in a self protection mode for a decade. my 19 year. old self took on a blanket of protection and intimidation forcefield and would not budge, back down or soften. I really did not know how. I. did the same thing to matt post infidelity. He knew what he needed and what i needed. Its like matt could see all of it, but i did stop hearing him after he cheated. Before he cheated he never even tried to talk or communicate- and then after? i didnt give him the time of day. i was shunting. a lot of this was me. at the beginning it was him, in the end it was me. and thats OK. i cannot change or predict outcomes. i try not to ruminate on this stuff as much because i literally have NO control anymore- but i wish i would get the chance to try, just one more time. i am really proud of the person i am becoming, after all of this. finally. savvy is making her way home.
I was on calls all day today- and did not do. a lot of the prep i need to for this weekend. Work is a mess, and my employer is making a lot of decisions that i wholeheartedly disagree with. she is out of integrity in so many ways, and really f-ing up my friend and co-worker. we are both hiring lawyers, because this woman has a strong presence. its really scary, actually.
My passion for medicine has returned a bit, but more specifically in psych. i am doing an integrative med psych module and actually looking at a fellowship in integrative psych. I realize that my passions used to lie in exercise and diet– but now i see those are both a privilege. if your mental is not there or you live in t trauma ? those things dont mean s*it. its all about mental. health . if you aint got that, you got nothin.
i also signed up for a 10k swim in NY this summer since i really can’t do a ton of racing right now. sebastian offered to be my kayaker alongside me and give me nutrition as i go- so it will be really good for us to have a long weekend, hang, and give him something to do too since his injury.
i had my 6 month review at work today- all positive feedback. felt really good .the only area for improvement is they want me to give more integrative methods for things rather tha n conventional at times. which is understandable considering i am western med trained and when i panic i resort back to what i know… i am like. “Referral anyone?!” lol. but otherwise plan to continue with CME in integrative med for now. Another part of me is interested in doctors without borders, etc for my future. we will see . a requirement is learning french, so i messaged my french team and was like hey guyssss in nepal. speak to me in only french. and to think i used to. hate on france so hard. i realize that outlook was probably from the trauma when my mom and i went when i was 16. i cringe when i think about that trip. things were really tough in my childhood. i used to raise my head high and act like i was so dang resilient, but on the other side now- i see how much shit i was ignoring. how all that unresolved stuff impacted my nervous system, tainted my outlook on france, california- so many things. its like full circle oh shit self awareness is happening SO fast in the last 2 months. its really crazy. i rememeber matt driving in mke summer 2020 talkin bout us moving to CA and i shot it down- And i regret that. immensley. i didnt know. even back then i was so stuck. i felt paralyzed. i was in fear, resentment, trauma, victim mindset. i wish i could go back but again– so thankful for present learning now.
headed to NYC this weekend to hang out with katie, ryan,and alex. lol nyc in the boot! honestly i am really proud of myself for the optimism. i am doing a lot better w my mindset shifts, outlook, less anxiety. more at peace with timing. more trusting in the unfolding rather than the panic and rushing. its really healthy. yay savvy. baby steps from the mindfuck whiplash. we will get there.