Today is the first day in MONTHS I have felt inspired. Holy. crap did it feel good. I didn’t even put my plan into action , but to FEEL internal passion again is everything. Pulling myself out of my depression is the hadest thing i have ever done. To feel the rejection of not being wanted and loved is so painful. TO still be led on by actions and words misaligning and choosing to give him the benefit of the doubt KILLS me. I finally feel like i am making momentum, driving forward. I feel more certain that this is the right decision if this is how he chooses to move forward, act, and show up. As well for me- its allowed so much. reflection. I record a few voice notes every day. I look at who i was the last year and a half and i am ashamed of her. I am feeling more empowered as i emerge out of this dark place- because in that dark cacoon — i have grown. I feel myself more empathetic, more self aware, more of an active listener, more curious. Its about damn time. I have had a lot of self disrespect , low self worth the last few months. I have had low confidence and esteem. I have struggled to make peace and find acceptance. I am finally seeing and internalizing things with fresh eyes. I don’t want to be with someone who wont work with me. Who wont let me iron out my shit. that wont give me another shot. that i tend to show up desperate to. I didn’t used to with him- but of course after a decade your attachment runs much deeper. I am ashamed of so many of the messages i sent. the incessant calling. my rock bottom was being abandoned – and now? im no longer afraid. my worst case scenerio happened and i survived. I am making it. its notttt easy. every day is uncomfortable. I am finally focusing on my own shadows instead of constantly correcting matts. I am finally my own focus- this is what your 20s are supposed to be about- yet i focused all my energy on. him and the relationship. i was neglected and left behind in the process. I am the one left immature, hyperanxious, unwell. it makes complete sense.
I am really proud of myself for what i did and how i handled this weekend. when plans got cancelled, i found more things to do. I am putting myself out there in situations that are uncomfortable. i am saying no- because i am not ready to date. and thats OK! i am also allowing myself the space and room to explore new. I don’t have leaky energy, and i am highly selective- yet I am letting myslf hang out with new people, and have new experiences, too. Its tough because i do miss my life and connection with matt but i remind myself how blocked off to him i was the last year. how poor our connection was, the MOUNTAIN of resentment that existed on both sides. I actively work through mine daily- but i know he does not operate that way. I am trusting in the unraveling and unfolding of my life for the first time. I am barely doing things- yet it feels like i am doing everything for the first time. because i am alone. and i am re-establishing. re grounding. re connecting. its so crazy. but also beautiful. i will never forget this period of desolate depression, lonliness and re-emergence. its like i woke up ffrom a long slumber. but i trust in it. i knew i was not safe to step. into my feminine with matt. i knew his growth was not there. i knew i was not showing up for him in the way he needed- either. i wish we could have a closing conversation, but i know that he is incapable/ unwilling. and that is okay. i respect it. it doesnt change the love and the growth we had. i want something healthier in my next partnership- that is for sure.
i enter this week with less dread, more optimism. i want to learn more- be more present. even if its just. 1% more than last week. i think i am moving up the mountain without even trying- its more painful to sit in the rejection of someone who no longer wants you authentically- you just start slowly inching forward. there is no judgement in what that looks like. i regret how judgemental i was to tylers and how unaccepted i made him feel- again SUCH a learning journey for me. it all has been. i am thankful that i am seeing it, even if it is late. i did not handle things well. regret, regret- but also grateful. i. am learning and growing from it. i couldn’t see it when i was in it. and thats OK.