I am in bed at 9pm on a friday night. I worked, went and swam laps, came home, made an egg and chicken sausage. I was reminded of covid and all the breakfast food i ate with matt. I started reminiscing- but stopped myself. i remembered the resentment i lived in. How i couldn’t simply just *be* in a moment. How i went absolutely positively insane. It is almost laugh-able bc of how psycho some of it is. yet. – i am able to finally , finally forgive. Its almost like in him showing me truth that i am not what he wants, i am more able to sit in the space of forgiveness. i knew it all along- its why i never forgave. its hard to explain intuition. it was even harder when my intuition knew he was what i wanted. so it was finding the strength to leave him and it took an entire year. i keep thinking about that. i talked to mom on the phone about it tonight. i also see how stubborn and shitty and fixed minset minded i was that entire time , too. How i stopped being open minded, thoughtful, willing- to let him express, to yield new connections, so many things. its tough bc i see it all now. hindsight. i have no control, he is gone. i have to just keep reminding myself of that. today i literally had the thought.. how many months am i going to feel like this. I can choose to meet people, be social etc but its not working. like my insides are dead. its grief. i will never understand how an avoidant person operates.
its so hard because if he gave me a chance from a healed space, i think we would be fucking amazing- but i can’t ask for that, he wont give that, and after how hes treating me ? i dont know about any of it. the mouning and grieving is the hardest of my life. i am trying to find joy and laughter in every day between the despair. i swear love cannot hurt this badly, right? maybe its me, lol.
tomorrow i have a lot lined up on the agenda. life mapping in the morning- since its a blank page in front of me. its no longer miami 2 years then sports med fellowship as previously thought. I need to re-assess. deeply truly. what i see for myself. i have tons of passions and desires and drive in me but its so tainted and desolate when i feel this way. i will say i have been more present in my body, and have been taking much better care of my space. im a good cat momma. im finding things to focus and hone in on. i will not settle, i will not hop, and i will do my best to learn in the stage i am currently in. thats the plan. everything else can go. i want to open my heart to presence. even if its a few years too late for what i previously envisioned for myself. its hard. starting over at 29 after a hellish 3 years, severe trust issues, a gi condition, a tough childhood w emotional abuse/abandonment issues/fears-and ocd- shit AINT easy. but the good news is, i am more self aware than ever before, and more equipped to know never to lose myself or give so much love to someone who isnt sure of me ever again. if they show you they dont love you fully the first time – give them space and see its the truth. dont ask. dont try to make it work. they showed you for a reason. i still believe infidelity can be worked through, but the person who did it has to show up on their own. lesson learned. thats what this life is all about anyway, little lessons along the way. lots of emotions. that ebb and flow. circumstances thta change. i doubt ill ever have a love so chaotic ever again- hopfully less trauma bonded and filled. maybe i wont be the dominant one in my next partnership – i actually kind of love that idea. i dont want to parent anyone. my years are over lol. its tough. i gotta reframe every day. im in a deep depression/ sadness/ grief. but i also know that the fact im sitting not running and taking my time will give me long term healing and allow me to move into healthy for what comes next.