Finding my gut again

I took my human design profile as i worked with Bryn- realizing just how much of life is truly choice. every “expert” out there is also just opinion based. i spent a lot of the last 3 years seeking out help from others to help me shift my perspective and forgive, when what i really needed was space with myself to see who and how i really am. I have a disorganized attachment style- which can show really shadow-y sides post trauma. In my last relationship i was unable to see it, and my self awareness was significantly less than it is now. I had to step away to see- which is scary. I was so focsed on my partner. his life. what he was doing. i couldnt see myself anymore and how co dependent it made me. i stopped acting in integrity. i stopped following my gut. i completely lost myself-which was scary. because i had been the leader. As the leader- when i followed my gut , all was really okay. but when i lost myself and stayed the leader? so much went to complete shit. matt did not use his voice and i continued to spiral and turn into a shell.

i am at rock bottom, but from here it only goes up. i truly believe that in my heart and soul. I really am proud of the person i am becoming. no more running, shifting, manipulating. it all came from fear based and trauma. i still am in shock i treated someone that way, but i think it goes to show that i do care and am a good person. i lost myself along the way – becuse he was unable to be true to himself. its like i knew all along he didn’t want this fully, and loved differenty than me. i hoped it would change, but i was unwilling to accept the facts, ruminated, tried to control and literally resisted acceptance, presence or the possibility of a healthy way forward. i did not show up authentically or with an open heart to couples counseling at all. of course i burned my bridges with matt. of course he feels like who the hell is this woman and if i wasnt able to fully express before and now i am scared out of my mind… like no. plus me losing myslef? plus the out of integrity shit? lol what a storm. I can look back now and its a hugeeeeee oh shit realization. im able to really let go. i am in neutrality. i could actually start over and let the past go. how scary is that? that all it took was SELF work. not work on him. or the relationship… oops.

in the meantime, i am working to take good care of myself. no relationship for me for at least the next 6 months. thats my rule for myself. I can consider it when i turn 30. in the meantime, its all savvy. Even if matt comes back- sorry gotta wait till im 30 bc i gotta re find myself. not in another person. i know who i am on some level, have alwys had passions and desires – but since i lost myself trying to save a relationship by myself against my own gut? my futures desires started to muddle. seriously – between integrative medicine, where to live.what i want. i always just pictured it all with matt. he was my rock. everything always felt okay as long as i had him. i felt that way since 2015. I really need to feel okay in myself in my own body again.

I am a really likeable person that has a lot to give. i am a generator by human design , and have strong intuition. i just “know” pretty easily. its when i choose to ignore or fight that intuition that i get myself into radical trouble. this post is long and rambly, but i have a long week at work this week. I sat in a lot of shame today and sadness and regret for the person i was to matt again … its really not good. i am so critical. i was to him for 3 years- so imagine how self critical and angry i am. its through the charts. finding grace feels near impossible- but i have to. its the only way. i gotta give myself the forgiveness i wish i would have given him. thats what i tell myself every single day. i am my own worst critic. and my head is not an easy place to live in. i have a gut feeling about certain things. i just know. its hard to explain , but i do think my intuition is strong. it used to be strong about me – but now it channels toward matt because i only controlled and paid attention to him for SO long. it was not good. when you dont trust something you control it. thats what i learned and lived. I am going to spend some time re anchoring into my own intuition. i knew all along i wanted a life w him and to be with him, which is why leaving to let him see his truth was absolute hell. but it also really really did confirm my gut. either that or it was sabotoge.. who *Really* knows.

last thing i will say is that people are crazy- myself included. we are all nuts and nobody knows or has the right idea. i have lost a lot of trust in others, as well as myself. i have also become really accepting and less judgemental. i find myself less angry and annoyed by things and give so much more grace. theres also a layer of depression- its a lot to handle. for now- integrative med, healing shin, swimming, self fucking care, cleaning, cooking, back to basics, savvy. we got this. meows agrees.

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