I’ll always love you.

I hope you are happy and fulfilled in every single one of your days.  I hope you have so much laughter and joy, and your mornings bring a combo of red lobster biscuits and fage after long bike rides and runs.  I hope you impact thousands as a YouTube healthy consistency or whatever variation of influencer ( I have no doubt it’ll happen) you will be with your charisma and funny/fun personality. I hope you fucking love residency and feel so lit up from the inside out in your rotations as you continue to learn and expand Bc you are amazing and impact everyone you meet. Your healing touch and presence touches and transforms everyone you open yourself to.  I hope you are making meaningful friendships and connections with everyone you talk to and all that you immerse yourself in along the way. 

I’m sorry I was not there to listen to you or support you or belly laugh w you as you learned in school/ residency. I was selfish and so hurt by the cheating and emotionally unavailable in recent years. Im sorry I shunted our connection.  A TON of that was me. I prevented laughs, deep intimacy, and so much fun – I was in trauma and had undiagnosed / untreated anxiety/ocd . Its no excuse, but I feel horrible about it. My ocd persisted and presented in constant rumination and I let that leak and control our lives. I was relentless at you for years. I’m so saddened by it when I look back. I was crazy. Legit. I would be scared of me, too lol. I was pushy and controlling. It’s not funny Bc I was sick and undiagnosed but still. I didn’t know I needed help. Kind of like how you needed help, and i guided you to find it/ explore. We all have our shit and it hurts people in diff ways. It’s been a long time since it’s just been all of me and all of you in a room together (years).  I miss it and miss you, but I am trying to find acceptance. I want you to know that I do accept you, and forgive you, and understand your shadows. I’m sorry I was too hurt to and too stuck to before. 

I hope you find someone that you feel safe with, and who makes you want to lean in and open up.  I’m sorry I was so judgmental. I was sooo hurt. I hope you find a partner you want to show up for and choose, even and especially when it’s hard. Where speaking up doesn’t feel so scary. Im sorry I was unable to be that for you the last few years. I didn’t know I needed to change or examine the depth of my anxiety.  I was caught up in YOU and couldn’t see my own shadows. You did not speak up, or feel like you had the right to ask for your needs, and i was a bitch because of how hurt i was. Prior, we didn’t know speaking up was a problem for years, and then by the time we did – my trauma and reactivity/ anger made it near impossible for you To feel safe doing it. I am so sorry. I am glad that we have both learned our shadows and major problems through this experience. I hope you get your 3 healthy kids and a beautiful house in nature with a sweat cave in the basement with a ceramic studio/ place to do woodworking and you accomplish every dream and thing you set your mind to. I hope you are able to sail again without guilt and trauma. I hope your family  is at ease and fully supports your next partnership, And you feel so fucking loved on your engagement day that every cell in your body is bursting with love and happiness. I know last time we never received a message from them at all, and i had no idea how it hurt or impacted you. I did not have the awareness, and you did not have the voice. I hope you are living in happiness and peace. I’m sorry I was so fucking stubborn and childish about so much. I didn’t know better. I promise you. I would have done better had I known. I was soooo resentful. Even the stuff with your family. all of it. I will never treat someone the way I treated you ever again. I didn’t know how to channel my pain. I love you so much Matthew. I’m sorry for what I was unable to give you due to the immense amount of pain I was in. I am sorry for ever making you feel liek you were not good enough. for rejecting you after when you were trying to show up. I was growing learning and didn’t have the tools. I was scared and hurt and I regret it. I hope one day you can forgive me and see me truly, for all that I am- too. Im sorry it took me so damn long to forgive you. I needed to step completely away to see it all and forgive in that space. I was hurt to my bones and didn’t know how to heal. I stepped into co dependency instead of taking ducking responsibility for myself. Im still processing the blows and consequences.  I used childhood coping mechanisms. I didn’t have the self awareness and was more focused on fixing you and punishing you than looking after myself emotionally. I was manipulative and created grounds for reactivity and volatility. I was absolutely insane and don’t recognize myself when I look at it. Prior to trauma I had never accessed those parts or  knew they could be me. I knew my anxiety was bad – but had no idea it was ocd or that i needed help. I’m healing these parts of myself as the weeks go by. Its so hard. I’m literally a different human on an ssri on a therapeutic dose. i wish i had started taking one years ago.

I have always loved you with all that I have- and I have always wanted a full life with you. Every day since 2016- you have been it for me. and that’s still true, even if at times it has not felt like it to you. I know that my shadows made it near impossible for you to feel safe and pure love from me. You are irreplaceable, and I thank you for giving me so much love when I didn’t know how to give it to myself. I’m still learning how bc I’m so damn self critical. (It’s way harder without you around bc of how accepting and loving u r). I’m changing so many things and every day is hard. I was so lost by the summer. i didnt know what i was holding that was mine, and what was yours. i needed help. i left you and pushed you away, when really what i needed was help. i didn’t know.

Much of my reactivity and pain was caused by your actions and shadows that you chose not to address. It does not excuse how i treated you or showed up in this, though. I don’t want a life full of heavy deep conversation- it turns out. I just went there when I felt threatened and hurt. I actually want fun and ease in my days too, lol. My passions are re igniting and I’m slowly making my way back to the vibrant amazing person I know I have always been inside. 

I don’t know what your boundaries are.  I just feel a solid wall rather than boundaries so I don’t know if I am allowed to talk to you about anything- and that is so difficult for me because i have so much to say- but I want you to know all of these things are true from the depths of me. I want to honor you and what it is you need. I know speaking up is hard for you- so it’s hard for me to even know. 

But what I do know is that my heart is breaking daily staying open to you yet feeling so viscerally rejected, so I have to step into preservation and acceptance at some point, as you do not want to choose this anymore. It is a deliberate choice. It’s hard to be the one left standing, but it’s a testament to my love, determined ness and just deep inner knowing I’ve always had. I still believe in it, and fixing ourselves, but i cannot ask you to commit to doing sometthing you dont want to – i made that mistake once already and it took us down a road of pain and resentment. I feel so much grief because it feels like we never even got the chance to start the life i spent 10 years working for and towards. i never even made it to mile marker 1 of the lifelong marathon. it kills me. i feel like i never got the chance to truly spread my wings, but maybe i didn’t fully forgive you because deep down i knew it wasn’t what you wanted. Who actually knows. regardless, I hope you find your way and have a fucking amazing life.

I love you with all I’ve got. I always will. I still don’t feel like this is over, but that’s my own denial- in combination with you leading me on about the future. you say you aren’t fully done, or that we will follow up, and then you don’t follow through. How am I supposed to accept or say goodbye to someone I can spend the rest of my life with? That I think is freaking amazing? you said that in your letter to me, but again i think that was me. I am slowly slowly going to have to force myself toward acceptance one of these days. shit is HARD, and again- not what i want. i still love you. i trust in my own strength. i do have confidence in myself, and i do deeply know that i will be ok. it doesnt change the level of pain i feel, though. take care, tylers.

love, Sav. 

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