seriously. I lived in denial for so long. was unable to accept the infidelity. it brought out immense amounts of anxiety and panic. it brought about self doubt, declining mental health, amongst so much more.
Now? I realize I have to accept rejection and abandonment. The truth is, I dont necessarily “want” to choose someone who cannot stand up for themselves, does not feel strong enough to fight me or stand up to me- or tell me im being crazy- because oh was I. I got to dark ass depths the last few years that was clearly trauma based. I was never that person pre – trauma. He couldn’t even have a conversation with me when I was not traumatized about desires, needs, feelings –so after trauma with guilt and shame? of course it wasn’t going to happen.
I am in such a more grounded place to process these days- its really nice. I am realizing how I need to become my own anchor again. and honestly? after a 2.5 hour long convo w sebastian- I feel ready to. Sebasitan made it clear that i lost respect for matt when he cheated, which is why i started walking all over him. He also helped me work through so many of matts inconsistencies, lies, manipulative tendancies, and reminded me of my gut all along — that matt didn’t deep down want this. and he helped guide me to shore. He refocused me when i started ruminating, and interrupted/ challenged me alot in my beliefs. He pointed out how matt is who he is due to me and my guidance, and asked me what matt taught me? not enabled, or took care of- but actually taught me….and i realized that i had to make conclusions mostly on my own. matt is fun, caring, and play and presence, but he is not a teacher. He is not a challenger, and he is definitely not a man of his word. sebastian reminded me of how much i have helped him in his journey and path, and how i literally impact and touch everyone around them. Melanie wrote me a card tonight basically thanking me for who i am and how much ive brought into her life, too. Alana is helping me get involved, paula and kaitle and kate all texted me today to check in. the truth is- i really am so supported. my life will be different when i choose to start living for me again and let go of the visceral body i have held onto for so long. there is so much love and desire- and i feel defeated and let down. i feel so abandoned. It really is a choice. matt made his– which is why i am left in the rubble. it shows he was lying, yet again. of course since the change was initiated by me… notttt surprised. Regardless, I am shifting my focus away from him now. its time. if hes done? who am i to stay in excruciating pain for weeks to months. its not right. despite how much i see went wrong and where i was a huge pat of the problem. despite seeing how it could work. the love there. the outcomes. he has made it abundantly clear – in a horrible way- and lying about it… so what am i going to do…. clearly not just wait. its time to anchor and action , sav. it starts with less self help and learning more DOING. more LIVING. feeling alive again. enough feeling dead, out side of my body. one person will never put me through this much damn pain ever again. lol. seriously its not worth it. i gotta find a fighter- someone that loves like i do. someone that calls me out on my shit. i cannot have a complacent person as a partner. that is what i have learned. I also realize that i need to feel grounded in self again – before jumping to dating or finding a new partner for real. the entertainment and attention? not interested until i am ready to build with someone- and that is not going to happen yet. i also dont do what matt does with his “seeds”- i am tooooo moral and have too much integrity for that shit. its childs play to me- honestly, some poeple nver changeeeee lol i will say it again.
I will heal. i am growing . i am anchoring. i am so proud of myself. the person i am becoming. i have learned a fuck ton in this process.. he still is who he started as. i think actually in the end?- i really am the only one that changed. which makes sense.. because i did the work for two. since this blog has become my emotional place to process, i def need to recreate my integrative health content somewhere.