retrospect v prospect

I don’t think I have cried more tears than i have in the last few months ever in my life. post infidelity- i bawled, but it was so different. such a different kind of pain. i still felt love and connection. i could channel my emotions like crazy. There was hurt, confusion, uncertainty, but SO much love and hope. In recent months, its just grief. its actually crippling. i lived in victim mode the last several years and was unable to see what my partner needed and honor him. I could have yielded connection, but instead i caused more pain, heartache, trauma and chaos to both of us. Since i woke up a few months ago and went out of “survival mode” that i was in while in partnership with him, so much clarity has come to the surface. i can see where i went so wrong. Who i showed up as haunts me every single day. I continuously want to pick up the phone and call and apologize profusely- but that will do nothing. There is no point in banging on the door to an empty abandoned house. there is nothing left for me there. Its my home- so, of course i keep trying to get in. I care about every fixture, piece of furniture, the words that were spoken in each room. IT literally feels like i went to self transformation and healing camp for a few months and I am more empowered and ready to show up differently, but the house is desolate and matt left the door unlocked with a note saying” never contact me again” so i could see just how empty it was in there yet with an inability to reach out or connect with him. So badly I wish we could have closing conversations, even work through the end in a loving way- but he is completely gone. I still am in complete shock and denial. after a decade. just gone. a huge gaping space where my entire future and dreams existed. retrospectively i see how i hurt and pushed and created volatile grounds, lack of safety. I cringe when i think about it. But i ALSO think it started with him, speaking up, infidelity etc. and it just cascaded. Of course I am willing to dig the fuck in- ideally in a healthy way, but i am completely powerless here. I have 0 control. and after how i approached “digging in ” last time ? i get why he would not trust it or want to. instead, i just sit in deep profound heartbreak, trying to navigate next steps for myself. it feels so far away.

I need to somehow start to rebuild self confidence and trust. i have got to start honoring myself again. I see how the hurt and pain translated to self righteousness. Such an ugly trait. I feel so much guilt. I know nothing beautiful will bloom from a space of guilt- but I can’t help but take radical responsibility now that i can see it. i feel so sick about it inside. The shadows that came out with his family, how I was unable to encourage him or propel him forward due to underlying insecurities from the beginning of our partnership – of course he did not feel supported. I wouldn’t even compliment him. its not because i didn’t want to- it was insane amounts of self protection because of who he showed up as in college and lack of communication skills. SO many areas where i put up a block and made him feel small and like shit about himself. i ask myself how the hell i can claim to love someone so deeply with all my heart yet do that to them- answer is so simple: distrust from the beginning. w his mom, w dana, w girls, lack of words and actions aligning- all of it. Again, i could see NONE of this at the time. hindsight is always such a bitch. I wish i could show up with a full and open heart ready to accept honor learn encourage and love the man in front of me NOW. but hes not there anymore. the person i love is gone. instead its a wall, with me in the empty house. I don’t think i am going to get my confrontation, honest conversations, closure, chance to work through it or any of the things i desire.

Instead, I have to start over alone. with myself. from the hardest darkest place i have ever lived in. Even a year ago i was in a better spot emotionally to do so. more even the year before that. but thats okay. i have to just start somewhere. i have to start finding footing. i was so taken care of by tylers that i dont even know how to take care of myself, in a deep way. my nervous system does not know how to self trust and ground without him. i feel an urgency. that urgency screams or alarms unhealthy. and i know that. its scary. all of it feels absolutely mind blowing. days turn to weeks turn into months. tylers used to be the one to help me w presence. to get me moving, more joy in my days. pre infidelity i did it on my own, but i think even long distance he fueled a lot of that for me. its not healthy- and i think i see how ever since my GI diagnosis, i started to give away my power. that was when i was 23. 6 years ago. Theres no going back. I cannot control a damn thing. I can just be me. and hope that she is enough. worthy enough. lovable. strong. that she can make it. whatever it looks like even if its nothing the 22 year old in me dreamed of. I cannot give my heart and soul to someone again. Maybe once i get it back – I will feel more empowered and trust that i will never lose myself in someone again but instead become more of myself. I have not been more of myself the last 3 years. i have been scared, threatening , controlling. Maybe the lesson for me here is in learning how to let go. to not get a desired outcome. to shrug and live and love life anyway. To find a way to keep my power anchored in me. I Get so vulerable and love so deep – its about finding that balance i think. I am still SO traumatized by miles – and i am scared matts nervous system feels like that around me now. not good. I hope he is able to differentiate how i got there post infidelity after 7 years- but i honestly don’t know that he will. again- learning experiences. its OKAY. it will all absolutely be okay.

I am trying to isolate myself less. go out and do things more. I went to doctor prom w alexi last night and am going to paulas bday celebration tonight. I dont want to go because i feel so dead inside. so unable to be present. so hurt and sad and wanting to fix things and see tylers. I would give anything. but i know this had to happen. he had to feel all that he was resisting from the trauma i caused, too. I realize why the repair was not going to work. i wanted him to go back to a place he never was, and he wanted to love and move forward but i was trapped in the trauma. im so scared its too late. and if it is, i will have to learn to integrate. my mind tries to lock me down and trap me in rumination, trauma, shame, panic, anxiety. i have got to break that- find optimism, fun, hope and light – all on my own. I don’t want to outsource to another person to give me that and have that. if someone wants to , they will. to love someone is to let them be free. im sorry i kept you in control for so long, b. fly safe. i love you.

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