I am in the process of making major internal changes- for myself. I can FEEL them begin to happen, which is amazing. We are dynamic beings, and the people places and experiences we allow ourselves to have help give prospective, insight and re wire us. I was stagnant the entire year of 2021- we could have just called me stagnation station (and the place of stagnation? was anyones worst nightmare- think: anxiety. panic. fear of commitment , yet strong attachment. control, mis treating the person i loved the most as well as neglecting and becoming selfish in my friendships — not ideal). I played victim. continuously did things outside of integrity with myself. I escaped at times, used other people, felt severe anger in any situation where the past came up. I was trying to control outcomes, test matt, find my way to safety. i literally did not know how. I felt so suffocated and trapped. I was so lost , despite the immense amount of “work” i was READING and coach i hired. note how i did not say doing.
I am someone who likes to learn and digest- books, self help podcasts, courses etc- i have gotten really bogged down in “learning” the work and language, figuring out “how to” something- looking for research, guides, or anything to help get me to a place of forgiveness and nervous system control. I am seeing for the first time – I was talking the talk, hiring the people, but i was walking absolutely nowhere. I was stuck. unwilling to get myself out. i absolutely drowned myself. you could call it self sabotage. I was so obsessed with the infidelity situation… fixing and controlling the person i loved to protect myself- I sunk our ship. i literally couldn’t see beyond it for multiple years. I trapped myself in nervous system dys regulation. I used control and asked for re-assurance constantly, even when I could feel the words were false. I used manipulation to try to obtain safety. So many shadows. I used shadows and projection sides of myself and scared the absolute shit out of him. I held myself back from healing, him back from growth. It was a box of suffocation. I used force. I was absolutely terrified. i wanted protection and guarantees rather than exploration and curiosity. Rather than support him, i tore him apart. Rather than take responsibility for myself, i played victim and fell apart in anger and control. I look at that version of myself and i am in utter shock I was able to become her- She came out the last time we spoke, again. I am working on shifting my internal wiring. it is fucking hard. there are so many parts of me i am struggling to make peace with ,forgive or let go of AND-
I am celebrating because i am in the process of breakthrough. I hired a coach again- but this time? I am actually feeling the shift. i am ready to surrender. i am ready to lean in. to learn . to let go . and to trust. i mean it. i have said those words so many times in the past without conviction. behind them- i was still too afraid and wanted the stubborn outcome. the story line to play out in the end. I think hitting my version of rock bottom- has finally allowed me to surrender. its the only way. I am in a container with Bryn- for the next 12 weeks. Today we set goals for who i want to show up as 12 weeks from now. How i want to hold myself, and be in the world.
- I would love to redefine myself.
- I want to deepen my connection to self.
- I want to open my heart.
- I want to release control.
- I want to be more vulnerable.
- I want to get clear on the vision for my life.
- I want to forgive myself.
- I want to prioritize my pleasure in all areas
- I want to learn how to be present.
these are just the starting points. then, we did a somatic release exercise. I did them in the past with stefanos – who i paid a lot of money for. BUT- i never truly dropped in while he was my coach. i wasn’t ready still. resistance. i was running. trying to control at that point. Today, as soon as we started, it felt different. I felt a huge oval shape in my lower stomach/womb area. it was full. i was able to be fully in my body with just myself. not trying to change or control anything. just stillness. then, when i went to name it, it felt like a block. the guilt and resentment i felt for MYSELF was the block. i hold onto so much relational energy there. i started to breathe into that space, and the tears came. flooding. they were not tears of anger, or wishing for another outcome, or control. but instead tears of love. tears of acceptance. tears of self forgiveness and forgiveness of matt. I cleared it, but felt a cord still in the space. a cord connecting to. him. i felt anger. i started ruminating, and she stopped me. she said. “back into your body” and told me rumination is my defense mechanism when i don’t feel safe. HOLY the last 3 years. of course i didn’t drop it. i. never felt safe enough to. what i never realized though, was that creating safety was never about him or his job. it was mine- and i was not doing it. I told her i felt anger that i worked with matt when his shadows were ever present and feel abandoned as i begin to work on mine. I talked about how i did not feel chosen- to to reminded that is victim minded. It comes from a place of disempowerment that i learned from my mom.
when the exercise was over- i felt soft and relaxed all over. it was weird. like i was at peace in my body in the present. what a novelty. it only lasted a few minutes, maybe like 20-but for someone that lives in their head in anxiety 24/7 – that is a HUGE start. I am feeling shifts in my body, heart and mind. finally its for me . and ONLY me.
not for matt or for the relationship or for my parents. even if matt wre to call me today and ask to be together- i don’t think i would say yes. I would say i love you deeply. lets talk about it and what it could look like- because i am not doing this work on myself for him. or to be with him. if he isn’t doing work too? no way. complacent, avoidant, people pleasing, lying- those are his shadows. i did not feel challenged to change mine in our partnership. he either accepted accepted the poor treatment- or completely shut me out when he saw the other path. its what led me to rock bottom, and here i am sitting in the pile of work and shit i caused. that doesnt feel safe for me. I am also opening myself up to new people and experiences along the way. The more awarenss i have of myself, the harder it is to find people i deeply resonate with and connect with. I can surface level meet and hang with lots- but that’s never been me. I think i like that about myself. again- progress sav. i have been feeling a ton of self hatred lately, so i think these are all really, beautiful. things. it is also springtime in atl and soo beautiful out today. i swam 3,000meters at the pool and am headed to teach. yoga. i am feeling loved by my neighbors, and friends near and far. theres so much beauty if you look for it.