Learning Myself

When you spend a decade with someone, you often don’t realize how much your identity, future, dreams, and thoughts are tied together. Even subconsciously, I plan with matt in my mind.

Today was another day of sitting in and owning my shit, but a continuation of clarity from a calm nervous system. I thought a lot about my actions. The emotional turmoil and how i treated him. How i showed up -day after day. I really don’t understand why i did not take the time and space to work through the anger on my own. I am really afraid i traumatized him beyond return. I was unable to identify my own needs. I was tending to him, he was tending to me. classic co dependency. I cringe when i replay a lot of it. I also realize its fertile soil for growth opportunities for myself. it was anger. it was heartbreak and pain. i did not do any of those things prior to 2019. but pain does not excuse my behavior. I can see from a clear place so much i was unable to before. I am also realizing a ton about me and myself in general. a lot of my own patterning. i was so stuck in punishing matt, my activated nervous system telling me to leave/stay/panic- that i was not really working on myself the last few years. I was so. bogged down. that 3000lb bag was not just holding me back from a happy relationsihp w matt – but it was holding me back from myself.. for me? working on myself- also includes play. i rarely played. i was always listening, learning, trying to teach. and of course panicking constantly. i seldom just lived my damn life. I realize how afraid i am a lot of the time- with a blanket of confidence that covers it. i think its easy to wear masks. i am seeing things so clearly and calmly now. matt stopped being the source of my anxiety and pain probably over a year ago- yet i contnued to blame him because of how activated i was. my ocd, too. I wish i could have identified my wiring issues beyond the cheating earlier, but i am thankful that i am able to address them and tend to them now. I miss my tylers a ton. i feel guilty and sad. i wish the outcome was different- but all i can do is accept. sitting with my own thoughts, heart, outcomes. i know im on my way home to self, but the journey is hard dark and deep. its easy to want to jump into a distraction. other people. but i am really navigating my insides and how i show up in the world. i still want a chance from a healed place with matt, but again- acceptance. its a full time job for me right now.

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