Decisions

asking me to sit in this space while you are in indecision is crippling for me. Without giving me clear next dates, steps or actions. I know its unlike you to do so. I know its part of accepting all of who you are- but its tough and often makes me feel unprioritized. i feel guilty for ever yelling and trying to change you/ make you more like me. its hard to hear you say that you love me – yet also choose distance, and to be cold. to show up and actively open yourself to others – yet tell me you are not done here yet. in some ways i get it. i was there earlier this year- but i never choose cold. I think you are doing it for self protection, but i am really unsure. today i swam during my lunch break at work. i am trying to make moves to get healthy again- even with the aircast. In the water i felt so much anger. I felt like i was the only one who fought. i felt frustrated and was blaming you. invalidating you. at the same time, i know how much i hurt you. i want to trust that you will come around- but i will continue to drive myself to the ground emotionally if i wait. for me- ACTUALLY moving forward is a choice i would make, every single day. i wonder if thats what you do. or if you actually suddenly just “felt closed off”. I feel like it was and is a choice, especailly if you tell me you are able to forgive me and that you love me. it truly does feel like you made a choice, and shove me out so that avoidance is easier and you can move on in your life. Its hard, because i am not avoidant. I also don’t want to be scary, ever. I know i got that way at times with us. I don’t want that to be the case. I struggle with the mis matched words and actions again. its really hard for me. i think you dont really know. I am in a DBT class for emotional regulation now. I am getting a lot healthier from a nervous sytstem perspective, and am better able to make decisions from a clear place than i have in a long time. I am able to see just how much i messed up here. it hurt me that you referenced that i gave you a chance and let you work on yourself when you were in this position, yet that you had no desire to do the same for me. sometimes, i feel so unvalued. Other times, i know that you struggle and in these “i dont want this” phases that you have- you say all sorts of really hurtful aggressive things. and then we talk about them and you usually don’t mean them. I don’t know if you see it – but you are pretty emotionally abusive. you either manipulate and placate by withholding, and then blurt it out once youve been pushed over the line- an then don’t want to talk about it or choose love or acceptance. you also dont ask for your needs, fight with me, ask me to change or really work with me. you tollerate as i am- until you burn out. that will not work, either. theres still work here but the differnce is that i want to do this without all work. i want a lot of play. I stand by if i dont hear by march 10 that i will reach out to close this- its just too painful. you are too avoidant, and my hope is dwindling by the day. i keep thinking that maybe you will suprise me- but im just not sure. i wish you would trust how much love and fun and whta could bloom if you showed up. i know that its not my responsibility, though. I cannot change you. ask for a different outcome. you used to work with me, but you have stopped now. i hope you found what you were looking for.

its time for me to make some really, really, tough decisions.

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