Today I did a lot of reflection. I flew back from austin on an early morning flight, cleaned up around my apt. it rained all day, and the immobilization of my right leg causes a bit of pent up anxiety around health, eating, and movement. Over the weekend i signed up to swim at the aquatic center near the JC office- so that monday and fridays I can swim after work and therapy. Its been a full 10 days in the boot- and i am feeling so much pent up emotion- i swear that not moving makes you more tired. I am actually listening, though. doing the full healing protocol. obeying the rules – who have i become? In some ways i feel like im being transported back. unable to run- shin splints, living in atlanta, single- ish, back in the pool. Did the last decade even happen?
i did a lot of reflection on what it would look like to let go or move on today. Spending time w ellie and mallory reminded me of milwaukee- and a lot of those memories flashed. The lack of communication that occurred. As well as a lot of internalization into what actually happened w me and matt. I was able to really get some clarity, and meet myself in perspective. I am better able to see where the problems were. I know that you arent supposed to ruminate and repeat/ re- run everything over and over- and that prevents moving forward/presence. I do know that its an ongoing issue that i have- but I also think i was in SUCH a trauma response after the infidelity and w my childhood hx, it tkaes me longer to settle in things and make sense of them.
- matt attempting to run post everything coming out. me asking to do the sri lanka trip- asking him to work on it, asking him if i could move. it set up a foundation of distrust. i felt like he cheated and then did not want to be there- so i never trusted the rebuild.
- due to that lack of trust- i never went 2 feet in. this made it to no matter if he ever fully did mean it- nothing would grow me of it- except if he were to re propose. at that point– thats all i was looking for. when instead i was met with avoidance, lack of discussion about what happened and wanting to just go back to dating and having fun without working through anything- I immediately jumped to miles for 5 months. living in mke- i had a layer of protection. I was hoping matt would step up but instead he was texting natalie. neither of us were 2 feet vulnerable in. i did get a counselor in mke- but she was terrible.i
3. i was traumatized beyond belief- my life could have been out of a movie- yet i had to ask him to take the year off and asked him to start therapy/ couples . again – making it to where i felt like i was alone in calling off the wedding, finding therapists, navigating a plan forward.It never felt like he wanted it. he was not making plans for the future, asking me to marry him, or even talking about us. he wasnt insisting on moving in with me, or anything. i continued to have hope- but the actions felt so shitty.
4. in the year off- i started to have serious doubts. I kept hoping for answers, wanting things to get better – to rebuild but he did not explain ANYTHING. not just with why he did what he did- but about his plan for us, why he didnt want to get married, affirm that he does want to marry me, for residency, for anything. he was not planning. it was all me. the resentment built stronger. all along- we stayed in love- yet i would ask him if he was in love and he would act like he wasnt sure. none of it made any sense. i started acting out of shadow behavior.
5. then, it flipped. i became the unhealthy one. he was still flounering, not doing work- and our lives became increasingly isolated. I was resentful and emotionally abusive verbally. frustration was at an all time high. i felt viscerally rejected yet in love at the same time. it made absolutely no sense. I would patrol everything, isolated us beyond covid, started looking through his phone, yelling at him, having nightmares, and our chemistry slowly started fading as these behaviors became worse. i started almost hating who he was yet also loving him. i felt so conufsed. i was excluded from his family things- not involved or loved in a way that made me feel safe. i felt like all he wanted to do was avoid the whole thing- that there would or could be no middle ground. it was so unhealthy for me. i regret how i was showing up, even back then.
6. He went back to milwaukee – and wouldnt even ask me to be his girlfriend. I asked him to ask me before we left. he would not. this was a breaking point for me. he would say things like “go do whatever you want with anyone i will still be here” but then- would not make steps forward. there was still no discussion on his plans or hopes/ needs. i felt like i was spelloing out my needs, and he was choosing not to meet them. he spelled out his as welll- needing more space from hard conversations and more fun- but i did not feel safe enough to give those things or those sides of me to someone who cheated so much , avoided it, did not seem to want to be there.
7. the summer in milwaukee was when things started spiraling out of control- i felt in love still a lot of the time- yet when i left and took our first break, things went from bad to worse. he gravitated towards women and his family- the two areas of major tension for us. i saw other people. the little foundation we had was falling. he was not owning it. acting like he would show up and do all these things- yet didn’t. he is king of actions and words not lining up.
8. after the break – i felt anger. i wanted more space. i felt betrayed again. I was interested in other guys attention because i felt so viscerally rejected by him -and his dad had his stroke. he lied to his mom, lied to me- and i was unable to show up in an authentic way- because his family treats me horribly and he does not advocate. I in turn, was a horrible partner and was unable to support him in the way he likely needed me to.
9. i asked about residencies- we somehow had an upward swing here for a bit- and were getting along a bit better- likely because he was including me in his future and wanted me to look at residencies together., this was the first thing that felt aligned. yet- when we went to look – i had my first i cant do this panic attack in utah. i did not trust it. what had changed? he had never shown up as a full authentic yes to this and to me. i was his emotional reader and he was my regulator. i started subconsciously making an escape route.
10. jan 2021- i started feeling every single day that i needed to leave. because i felt like he was lying. he was never going to know himself or what was true. was still not talking about re proposing. everything felt so guided by me. i felt like i was the only one fighting. our outside lives were also nothing. our relationship had consumed us- or at least me.
11. in feburary i was manipulative, and i started acting out of integrity. i treated him like complete shit. i was resentful, did not trust it. i wanted commitment- yet i was done inside most days. i remember saying and feeling like i was no longer in love. i was emotionally abusive, and he was acting one way- showing me he was not in it- and then saying another, pretending to be.
12. he matched to miami- and. i had to ask to be invited. still he was saying i want to be with you blah blah- and then action wise would discount, ignore or do something that indicated otherwise. he is a people pleaser what am i supposed to do. he would say “come to miami please forgive me” yet… at that point i no longer believed anything. i still had hope- so i set us up w sophie and adi.
13. mdma was a turning point. he actually expained everything for the first time – yet for some reason it wasnt enough. its taken me some time to determine WHY it wasn’t enough and i realized it was because i needed explanations for post infidelity, how he had shown up. for me the last 2.5 years on top of the actual cheating. the cheating was no longer the problem- maybe it never was. i think the problem is /was that i. never felt like he was all in w me or in love with me. he said he was on the MDMA but i never know what the hell to believe.
14. after that – he was all in– something shifted. his parents also apologized and suddenly it was like he was all in and talking about our future our kids etc yet i was the most unwell i had ever been. i needed out. nothing in me felt safe. i was SO unwell. it had been a slow decline. i was unable to function anymore. none of it made sense. i continued acting out of integrity. europe. the job. the move. all of it.
15. i left to test him. i shouldn’t have but i did. when we touched base? he is suddenly done. wants nothing to do with me. i feel like i was right all along, reaffirmed. my gut knew he didn’t want me. I also found forgiveness in this space. i realized it was never about the infidelity at all. it was about commitment. about communication. about speaking up/ needs/ presence. about growth. i now can so clearly see what i need to do , what went wrong, and how this could all pretty easily be refocused and fixed. but it takes two people to make anything work. i was still in love underneath the resentment and anger- though i doubt he is. i really honestly don’t know.
– I wrote that out to help me process. Its a lot – and will make sense to nobody else. during all that time, i was unable to be present on any given day with him. i often blocked our chemistry and connection due to my rumination, trauma etc. On his end – he did not push or advocate for his needs, learn to really speak up, or meet me. there was a lot of love and a ton of mis communication. a ton of frustration. i did not want to go forever- it was never my intention. i still think we could have a beautiful life together. right now he says one thing, does another. Calls boundaries and instead uses fat walls. its a lot of pain. he says he still loves me- yet he is absolutely not acting that way. I feel so frozen and stuck. my mental health as been so bad. he has said some of the most hurtful things in the world to me over the last few months when we have spoken. i know i somehow need to find a way forward because deep down i dont want to be with someone who does not want to be with me- yet i do want to fix it with him because i KNOW it could be fixed, and so so beautiful. it hurts me, every single day. I am finally ready to take responsibility for my side. it sucks to feel like it is always somehow me that cares so much more. i feel DEEP – but i also think i could really put it into good energy and things moving forward. i just have to close my heart off to him. he does not want this. will not show up for it. and thinks shutting me out is the solution. after the years of love, work and forgiveness i gave. its so hard. it is the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life. the amount of hurt that i feel i cannot put in to words. i had the strength to rise from the cheating- but the hurt i feel now? i feel absolute devestation and depression, every sigle day. it really will be a good year of pain to move forward- and that is only if i choose it- every single day. to not look back.