I spent the weekend in Austin with Mallory and Ellie. Last time i saw the two of them together i was in hilton head in sept 2020. I turned 28 that weekend. I remember thinking at the time i had a hard year- but had an absolute blast with them that weekend- i had no idea what was to come for me. 2020 was my last “good” year. I felt energetic in my body. more sure. grounded.
This weekend, I did my absolute best to bring fun and presence into the weekend, but its SO hard. i struggle when i feel so empty. I talked about matt so much. Analyzed all the things he said, talking it through with them. They both think he feels hurt and rejected and will come around. i talked about the outbursts of info. the conflicting things he said. the uncertainty of it all. how traumatic all of it has been for me. I apologized to them as the weekend has come to a close, just for who i have shown up as . they were kind and accepting of course. I think having 3 people that were huge in my life for the last decade put up a fat WALL last year has absolutely rocked me. It hurts so badly. I realize how much i dont love and accept in the moments, and then regret later on. How indisposable people i love are for me. I realize how much matt’s love and presence kept me motivated, feeling like anything was possible. in the absence of his love and partnership, i feel a huge empty space. I knew somewhere in my self that he would not choose us, but i really really hoped he would. I was avoiding and running, too/ but my love is so strong. i wonder if he can feel my love from this distance. i remember when the roles were reversed over the summer. yet- i was not nearly as cold. i am more connected to my emotions though- it makes sense. I struggle with loss. i want to know what comes next. i thrive in predictability. i feel guilt and shame in how things went down. I wish i could alter so many of my behaviors in the last few years. I wish i was given a chance to show up differently. walling me out feels so hurtful. it feels manipulative.
It almost feels Like i was asleep and pushing everything beautiful in my life out since oct/nov 2020. matts dad had the stroke, and a part of me just turned off. i was not accepting or understanding. i was unable to be the loving present partner he needed. I was relentless, and shitty to my friends and family, too. Matt continued to show up for another year, but i never trusted it. I didnt believe it was what he wanted. I don’t know what is or was true anymore. I am trying to accept my new reality- but i feel waves of exhaustion, depression, and deep fatigue throughout my entire body. i feel large shocks in my heart and stomach in his absence. The empty space is difficult to put into words. I miss him every single day. How was i able to disconnect last year? why was it easier for me to think of it as a break and take my time to heal and determine things in the fall? why is it a hard no on his end? why is there no mulling it over, no space for discussion, contemplation, loving connection – I don’t understand it. I want to pick up the phone and just call. i feel like im being completely walled off and shut out. like it is not a boundary,but instead a strong wall. i feel so sick and unwell. i wonder most days if i am ever going to get through this. i cry every single day. its so much pain. its hard to see him avoiding, living, posting on social as if its nothing. it absolutely kills me. i hate it. of course i want him to be happy but i know right now he is not feeling his feelings. when we spoke about it – its so fragmented, and unprocessed. i wish things could be more amicable. more vulnerable. more loving. i was – even when i was destroyed by what he did and called off a wedding alone. its such bullshit. I told him i was looking at inpatient and he never followed up or asked for help. even if he does not want to be with me- how can he feel ok showing up like that? if the roles were reversed and i was 100% sure i did not want to be with him , i would be on the next flight if he asked me to be. but thats the difference, i think. its difficult because everyone loves differently and is wired differently. he needs avoidance. thats where life is in flow for him. i need confrontation and deep connection, thats where its in flow for me. i just wish our mutual deep love could meet in the middle. I really dont think he understands how not okay all of this is. what he feels and needs is okay- but the way he has chosen to treat me in this process is so hurtful and impacts me deeply. Why do i continuously want to find resolution in relationships with those i love deeply- even if that means space for awhile? Is there something wrong with me? or is it just the depth to my love?
i don’t want to be stuck in negativity and difficult thought patterns- but instead full of light and movement like i used to be. i feel absolutely frozen, depressed, and stuck. i am at the lowest low i have ever been some days, and others i look at myself and feel like i am hanging in there ok.proud of the person i am. it switches. i feel like i went to battle for the last 3 years and put my heart and soul on the line and completely lost. it almost feels unfair when he says he loves me and wants the best for me. and for me to be happy. i feel anger when he says those things. we were supposed to have that. i prepped years for it. I really thought he loved me like i loved him by the end. it just goes to show how much he does not know himself. how much turmoil there really is. i knew it. its why i didnt trust it , even at the end when he was saying stay in miami and start a family with me and happy birthday b i am sure that we will end up together, whatever it takes ill support you forevers. i knew it. you dont say those things and mean it and switch like this in 9 weeks. to complete coldness when i am not okay. huge walls. throwing yourself at other women on social. its completely insane. unstable. uncertain. its the same part that had the affair and proposed. the only reason that changed was due to me. its really, really sad. I still love him through my entire body. grief just absolutely consumes me. i am working in therapy weekly to rewire me. i feel abandoned at my lowest- which means rejection of the deepest parts of me. i gave him full acceptance and love and curiosity at the deepest parts of him. I am starting a DBT group weekly to help with self nervous system regulation. I am so scared to trust again. to open up again. ive been so so hurt. and given it my all. and at my lowest, am fully rejected. its absolutely devastating. abandonment really is the biggest pain of all. its the worst low i have ever felt.
i feel silly posting this, or writing it, because it feels negative and sad, but i think the only way is through – so im laying it all out. In the meantime, i am trying to dream. look forward. determine where my aliveness still exists. because i have not felt it organically since 2020. I have truly been a shell of myself. maybe the denial of all this rejection and loss will feel less sharp some day soon- but it has not happened yet. In the grand scheme of life, i think i will be okay but right now most of me feels dark inside- even when on the outside i am able to smile and laugh and act happy. its hard to feel like my representative self almost makes me more lonely- but if i show my actual self? i would have nobody. matt was the person i showed my actual self to, and the last time i was activated he actually hung up on me and ignored my calls and messages. instead messaged a girl on social media and texted me back “sorry i was exhausted” after ignoring me and shutting me out. i apologized and he was cold. that shit is not love, but instead manipulation/ avoidance. it was probably the most hurtful thing he has ever done. this time? he has the awareness to know the deep damage he is causing. but does not have the courage to handle anything with integrity. he never has. no action has shown it. i was the one that had to end it in oct. he never would have. thats why i always say- i broke my own heart. his chaos and choice to be avoidant rather than direct makes it to where i never know what he means or wants. so i just assumed post infidelity he never wanted this. he never re proposed. started saying the right shit at the end but flipped quickly. and now that hes a doctor in miami w availability and attention? makes sense.. my mom nailed it on the head. so sad, all of it. truda may have been right. its hard for me to know because i only see the sides he shows me and unlike me- who shows all sides of myself all of the time? he hides. i never felt like i truly got to know all the sides of him. the ugly layers come out left and right when you least expect them. and when they do- he does not address them. the thing is though- our shadows just repeat in the next relationship unless we handle them. and the good news is, i am handing my shit big time, self motivated. responsibility, accountability. , self love, and action- all right here. no matter how down and sad i am? i can take justice and go to sleep at night knowing that i am a really fucking good person and take accountability for whats mine. change on my own. find resources and give a real shit in how i show up in the world and w the people around me. i just need to keep channeling into myself, and stop looking out for matt- who can turn around and show me he could give two fucks about me and then silence me/ literally mute me to avoid and numb while i suffer and hit rock bottom and heartbreak. sebastian always used the word coward to describe matt. i never agreed with it, until now. i think that hits the nail right on the head. its the nice guy act. how can anyone ever trust a people pleaser, the nice guy act, and the liar. you cant. that hill is looking pretty nice right about now. i wish i had not given away so much power. If he does not text me by 1 month as he said he would, i will retrieve my belongings and climb – never to look back. i am done with being emotionally abused by an avoidant liar. (love when i start a post in tears and feeling rejected yet end it with fire and self trust/acceptance for me and feel feelings of empowerment.) others will not continue to have this much power over me.