exhaustion

gastroparesis flare is rough tonight. i cant move my body due to this aircast, which is playing a large role. i feel completely stiff – thats how you know you are used to moving/exercise. 4 days in this cast and i feel tight and tense everywhere lol. i was at work tonight until close to 9pm. We had our provider meeting and i will be doing the educational lecture for our next learning segement in march on integrative psych. I thought i would like GI the most- but turns out ever since 2018 for me- PTSD, OCD, Anxiety? lol mental health is where its at for me. But i dont believe in just throwing meds at patients and putting them w shitty therapists. i have so many ideas about how to navigate a platform that uses so many modalities to healing because without metnal health you got NOTHIN. I still have a ton of healing to do , so i will not pretend for a second that i have it all figured out – but its a start. i have complicated patients and need to be back by 730 in the morning. i miss moving my body. i miss matt. i feel angry at how he completely runs/dissociates/blocks off in a matter of weeks and throws so many comments that are complete opposites of what he said for years. so similar to 2018. the pattern is remarkable. I wonder if he sees it, or is willing to change it. I want him to be able to feel so free w me and be his fullest expression w/o fear. But that is not up to me. in the meantime, i am moving forward. i cannot wait around its completely unsustainable. this is the second time hes done this. I know i need to open more and immerse myself in presence- but its so. hard. i realize how much my lack of presence contributes to the downfall of my relationship containers – both friend and romantic. its something that i need to fix within me. that and forgiveness quicker. both of these things i think were taught – my mom is so resentful, my dad lives in the past. i can get away and break it. awareness is the first step. desire to change it. my mind is so active. i wonder if anyone else thinks nearly as much as i do.

I like integrative medicine. i greatly dislike the company i work for. The pediatrician i work with i admire so much. shes absolutely brilliant. i constantly want to pick her brain, learn from her, etc. I got to spend most of my day with her. most of my work week is actually enjoyable – i just dread the Wednesday’s w taz. deeply dread. the more i learn about her and the stories- the more fire i get lit under my ass. I can barely be in the same room as her. the lack of honesty, integrity, the hipocrisy. the narcissism- all of it.

i literally had the thought today during the provider meeting that i wanted to take matts mom to coffee and make amends. just for myself. i didn’t want to cross a boundary or upset anyone -so i didn’t. the fact that i had that thought from an authentic and genuine place? i am healllinggggg and letting shit go. its amazing that the thought even came to mind. its so beautiful to feel your own damn growth. I thought about writing her a letter, instead. all of them. because i am shifting out of resentment. its remarkable. also sad that matt does not want to be here for the transformation, but honestly? its really his loss lol. I am determined, work with people, willing to change, kind hearted, fun, dedicated. all of the things. I was scary. he is right. my shadow sides … who even knew i could get so dark? i sure didn’t. but the beauty of human beings is that we are dynamic. i went dark for awhile there- but the sun is coming back out. I am absolutely wiped tonight. mood is lower for sure- i mean , look at this post. a ton of word vomit and extremes – but i am optimistic, grounded, trusting what comes next. I am actually doing okay. i am taking the lows much better than i used to. emotional self regulation is working. I have not ever been able to do that.up until 2018 i shoved it down or brushed it offf- but post infidelity, my entire nervous system has been fucked. just completely out of sorts. I ened to write a post on nervous system dysregulation due to PTSD and how it happens, and how to heal. rule #1- dont do what i did and go to the person that hurt you to regulate you. not gonna work. itll run ya both to the ground and solve a whole lotta nothin. you live and you learn.

i do think its funny im writing this on 2.22.22 and matt and is first date was 11.11.11- i wonder if he thought of me or of that today. end of an era? start of a new one? tbd.

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