Today/ tonight- what i felt was anger- yet i have an inability to move it through me. I have this air cast on my shin- my fracture healing. Mel and dom came over tonight and hung out with me on the floor. I am in this boot for 6 weeks. The way i move emotions is through movement itself – so this is REALLY tough on me. I want nothing more than to go for a long run. its been SO long since my body has felt okay running. That run in miami in june is when this happened- almost 9 months ago. I am actually letting it rest for a full 6 weeks. I may try to find a pool at johns creek to swim at in the meantime.

back to my anger- I feel angry that you detach so easily. that your wall can become SO thick. of course you are able to do this- look at how big the wall was w the infidelity. this wall-ing off is a part of you. Its a part of you i cannot stand its so scary. most people cannot do this. your ability to detach and wall is undoubtedly from your childhood. Only you can control it and part of me thinks you choose it. its the easier path. least resistance. the more you distract and create physical distance and push down everything, the easier it all becomes. Its not just the walling on the inside that exists this time, though. Even on the outside. the audacity you have to treat me so poorly. To cease to initiate conversations. to express needs. to give clear boundaries. all the things you struggled w in our relationship , are still very much issues. except they are worse because theres a coldness to you now too. without context, words, desires expressed- it just feels like you are completely icing me out as a person. it feels like you don’t care. Sometimes I wish it was just fucking over so i would let go. and never look back. when i feel really angry? i tell myself that i am fucking done. keep the shit in miami. good luck finding someone that loves you w the same depth, that would do what i would, and is as awesome as me. my self confidence is not lacking- this i have learned about myself since we broke up lol. my standards are quite high. i don’t do any of the things most of the women i know do for attention. I am very particular. highly selective. and i dont play games. (Except aparently w you).

Other times, all i want is a chance for us to both drop in and connect because i KNOW there is still a ton of love that lives here. for us to talk about what we would both need to work on./ what we are learning. even if it meant “not right now” but i fear you reverted back. in fact, a part of me knows you have. and maybe you will be happier that way. who am i to tell you? I just want there to be balance. its so difficult when you were telling me you pictured us similar to parents in the delivery room having a baby in sept. or you. pictured us getting married over the summer- to saying you dont see us being happy together or feel safe w me at all in dec/jan. It really does feel like whiplash. its why i didn’t forgive you. i didn’t trust it. i knew something was deeply wrong. the other day you said you wanted this to feel natural if we re-opened… and i am almost laughing bc w how you are treating me. right now? im sorry how is it ever going to feel natural. w how i left things in oct, maybe. w love and kindness, expectations laid out. this chaos? natural? it reminds me of how you never really asked me out in college. or made decisions fully. again… you are truly just chaos and don’t see it . nobody that meets you. would know. you have to be intimate w you for ahwhile to see it. im not sure you even know this about yourself. I feel used. i feel manipulated. i feel disrespected. i feel unvalued. i feel like the love is one sided. i feel betrayed and let down. i feel resentful. i feel so angry.

I am actually doing well when i look at sav w sav, though. Making new friends but not throwing myself into new activities or groups to distract, either. I am being selective w who gets access to me. I am re charging a good bit, taking good care of myself. coming up w my non negotiables. I am planning fun trips both for my 30th bday as well as hiking with my TMB friends. I am liked at work, the more they see who i am. I am loving my place. I find myself in footing with my solitude. i feel the depth in my relationships. It feels GOOD. I feel good in my body. my gi system has been half decent. I am doing… well? its so crazy to say. Stuff with matt activates me to no end, still. I think they say don’t go back to the place that hurt you to heal- and i am finally seeing there is some truth to that. it does not change that i want to be with you, though. why is that? is it old memories? attachment? is it even real? LOL. i think it is. i think about how easy and natural our connection is.. but i do nootttt trust ya thats for sure.

I am channeling more inner sav. I have austin trip coming up. More healing is coming my way, i can feel it. The type of energy i am bringing in , also unmatched. good things are coming, even though today… literally fucking fire and hatred and anger allllllll day. it felt like the days i used to nit pick at every little thing and freak. out and yell and control at eveyyy little thing. now ? i have the emotional insight to think..dang that was bc i was angry. what a poor response. i gotta manage what i DO w my emotions better. not how i feel but how i choose to handle it. clearly.. .we both could use some help there. anyway, i do love you and miss you even. if you are not loving or missing me at all right now. i remember feeling that way in europe. i am weirdly still learning so much about love and relationshps, even though we. are not currently presently fully in this one.

my rule is lights out computer off before midnight. im out tonight xx.

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