I have at least 2 conversations with you in my head every single day. sometimes more. I have so much to say. to tell you. to fill you in on. My job itself- so interesting.I could see you incorporating some of this stuff to your patients. I am sorry i didn’t ask you enough about your days the last few years. your interests. your thoughts. i was consumed w trauma. you would LOVE my new apartment. I imagine you browsing CL looking for all sorts of accent pieces. and the kitchen we are talking breakfast burritos for DAYS. You would be obsessed with the roof deck- you would want to make it a huge oasis up there. The gym? youd be in there every morning before work. its got everything you could ever want to use. Its not nearly as echo-ey as papas in here. I imagine you wanting to host neighbor nights and cookout with the amazing people in this community out by the pool- so many cool people live here. i can see you connecting with so many different people, and enjoying all of it so much.
Sometimes I just envision you around, other times i tell stories and i am crying laughing. I told melanie about the phiippines bathroom tonight- and the drought. you shitting your pants, the tuk tuk back, us both having “flu like symptoms” and me washing out your underwear. I told her how crazy i still am about you. your smile, your zest for life and adventure. your athleticism, your grit, the way you will push yourself and be open to alternative ways of doing things. your willingness to admit when you were wrong. your kindness. the optimism. all of it.
I also sit in sadness at some point every day in wht happened to us. sometimes i press the lock button on my phone just to hope to see a message from you that says “i am so sorry this has been all based from resentment and hurt- i still fuckin love you. lets create an amazing life sav”. but i know the chances of that happening are so slim. I don’t just wait around for you tho- lol– i open myself up to life most days. I am learning to be independent in ways you used to enable me. today i used a power drill! meows and i are learning to love our new life, and we are in a good mood most of the time. we are full of grief though. you are like my family. I don’t know if you realize the way you are going about shutting me out is extremely hurtful to me. I feel like it wasnt with love, like how i left you in oct. I also could see how you would be hurt with what happened in europe- feel led on, feel like i shut you out, and then left. I want you to understand that it was a slow building process, though. It happened over a years time of not trusting you. feeling like you werent really in this deep down – but instead just worked to please me and appease me. I could FEEL that you werent being your authentic self. I didn’t want to be chosen by you in a place of shame that i created but instead from an empowered place in your heart where you were your fullest self. I was walled off and desiring others- but it wasnt beacuse i didnt want to be with you. i literally had to get the courage up to leave. because i felt like its what YOU needed. clearly- it was. you didnt know it , but i did. Even if it is your truest truth in the end- why are you showing up so coldly? detached, non responsive- its so unfamiliar. dont want to be with me, thats fine- but to show up in the way you are??? its the rudest you have been in a decade. tell me you are hurt. ask for a conversation . write it out. ANYTHING, idk- but ignoring me or avoiding closing conversations if you dont want to be my family anymore is death by 1000 cuts. I know emotional conversations are hard for you. I just wish you would be willing to initiate one w me- and see me for who i am. I am loving, accepting as shit. caring, honest, giving. i want fun too tylers! you never invite me to be my fun self anymore either. I dont know if you can see how the downfall was both of us. you not expressing your hurt, resentment, frustration, as i was closing. i just felt like i was suffocating, and knew i needed to step away. this has been a 10 year marathon, not a sprint. you told me you weren’t in this anymore. i still am- so its tough for me to internalize or even believe that you stepped out completely. How? for me closing off completely would be an intentional choice i would have to make, every single day. I would be unable to genuinely do it and move into a life w someone else without intentionality. you have said you are open to this being natural in the future, but idk how its supposed to feel natural w you being so cold and the touch – bases being so poorly done. you fit me in between your activities, and it hurts. when. we talk i can tell you haven’t thought a lot about it. it feels like you are just immersing yourself in miami life and moving on. I dont know if its a coping mechanism due to hurt, rejection, betrayal or if its your truth – and how long it will go on.
If it continues for months, i will have to intentionally choose to close this door and start up that mountain, no matter how much i dont want to. it will be a cold a miserable climb solo. I don’t want to trek it. i even have a boot on my stress fracture currently physically ( and metaphorically). but i also cannot sit in this space forever waiting for you. you say we can touch base? but it feels like its me askin- not you that wants to.and that hurts. i am just here workin on myself. if i meet someone great- im not gonna be closed off to them, but i would be lying if i said i could completely open to them w love and grace, either. If i enter into something w someone new- they deserve 100% of my emotional availability. and right now they wouldn’t because i still love you. this doesn’t feel completely done to me. so it almost seems pointless. I would have to choose day after day- intentionally – to not choose this. I wish you would be open to talking to me in person about any of this. the big stuff, the little stuff, the in between stuff. I wish you would be yourself again. i miss you. I dream about you a lot, actually. Sometimes i still feel anger and resentment, but i think you would actually be impressed with the growth i have done on myself. i wish we could hang out and laugh and both be in a place of open. why does it feel like we keep missing each other? I guess i just want you to know that i still love you, and that you are hurting me, even in dead silence between us. not being allowed to reach out- or being told you will and then dont, or being ignored is hard to even put into words when it comes to you- because youve always been my person. even in the depths of hell , the darkest day of infidelity, or moms suicide- you were still my person. i could always talk to you about anything and everything. the silence kills me. it feels like a hole in my heart. or like im bleeding out. i wonder if you feel any pain , or if you bury it.
I have so much more to say. i wanted to write an im sorry letter. a thank you letter. a fuck you letter. lol i could talk to you for AGES. i know this all sounds crazy- but i think thats what happens when you feel like someone is actually your person. Moving on for me is suchhhhh a choice. thats what i have learned. its easy when i am resentful to distract myself and run, flirt, entertain – but *ACTUALLY* move on? i would have to choose that shit daily. and babiess i still love ya so idk how im supposed to do it, unless i have to. I dont detach like you do. it may come to that depending on how the next several weeks- months unfold. how you choose to show up and treat me. if this cold side continues? uppppp the mountain i will trek, completely unprompted , because i will not waste my life on someone who chooses to treat me in this way. no matter how much i love them. no matter the history . i got my whole life ahead. I hope you make choices that serve us, but if i learnd one thing, its that in no way can i or will i ever be able to change or control you and i dont want to.