Today, as I took 1030am yoga class with Nick, i felt myself in contemplation. Part of me was “in it” – the class, focusing on what he was instructing me to do- but the other part of me internally grappling. Yoga was a place i went to repetitively to help me move through emotion when I was working through infidelity trauma- but it hasnt been as therapeutic of an outlet for me as i navigate my current loss.
This loss feels diffrent. its more clear. I am more empowered here. I get to decide to move on when i am ready. because moving on is an active CHOICE. you can feel any emotion, yet make a different action choice. I get to decide what type of life i want to CREATE. I have already started. I am seeing and feeling mental shifts. the weight is lifted since seeing messages last week. so much is confirmed for me. we cannot change anyone, ever, no matter how badly we want to. Accountability, responsibility, confrontation, and dedication are key. No wonder i got sicker and sicker as 3 years went by. I was trying to get a boy that runs from all of those things to show up in them. and actualy expect him to CHOOSE those things. It was never going to happen. by the end he was talking the talk. saying all the right things using the lingo- but my nervous system did not trust it. I needed to test it. to step away to see what would happen. I had high hopes, but sure enough- worst fears confirmed. He reverted– substantially, and reverts more with every conversation we have had since. This is not to negate or eliminate any of my other posts on feeling guilt/shame/ the roles i played because those are absolutely truth as well — but i am not the only one to blame here. Most of how i showed up was reactionary. it takes 2. Yet- I somehow am the one that organized , planned, set goals, trugged forward, and kept caring throughout the entire process. I have had time to take my days slow. breathe deeper. think clearer. presence is becoming easier. but i realized a shift in the TYPE of presence. there is escape presence v actually grounding down into the life you are building type of presence. I am realizing that
Matts type of being present is complete CHAOS. disorganized, distracted, chasing dopamine and adrenaline highs, attention seeking- one person at a time. Throwing himself at people, places, things, groups, ideas- destroying people in his wake. Discarding and treating people like complete shit , but doing acts of service or cooking for people to look good in the process.I dont think he actually sees it. no self awareness or desire to do work. We know what happens when we leave him to do the work on his own- we saw that for 3 years. One of the things i love most about him is his spontaneity, but in his absence, i am realizing that the spontaneity is actually – in fact – avoidance most of the time. of emotions, desires, decisions, plans, intentional choices. His constant desire to immerse himself and take on the energy of everyone around him- its draining. He can be convinced of just about anything by anyone. I have heard it in our recent conversations based on who he is spending time with and around. His choice to close off to vulnerability rather than lean in. to act like i am a stranger. to fit me in between runs and top golf, or work and “running club”. Constantly filling the void. He acts like he would be willing to try to connect – yet makes no effort. tells me by the end of the week , month ,or “tomorrow” and then does not follow up. its really frustrating that he is willing to diminish trust and rapport along the way. Even if he never wants to be with me – even just giving me the respect as a human being would be decent. he pretends like he cant help it. its not about how you feel. its about ACTION and CHOICES. emotions are transient. its intentional decision and work that changes things. again- I am now on a rant that was unintentional- lol. But again , this is healthy for me to process out loud. get it out on paper. its tough to love someone so deeply that continuously shows up like this. I have seen better from him. i know hes capabale of better. hes just not choosing it. again- biggest lesson from my last relationship : let people show you who they are. do not interfere or try and change them. it will save you SO much heartache.
As i start to think about my future – i realize i want a love that is calm. someone whose words and actions line up daily. that does their work and can speak on it. That will tell me when i am out of line, offending them, hurting them- or doing any of the shadow shit i did in my partnership w matt. I had to reflect on it alone for a few months to even see it because matt never started an arguement with me about it or tried to get me to change it. he didnt tell me it was hurting him. I am HUMAN and so imperfect. I DO need to be called out on my shit. how else will i improve? i want the good and the bad. not just talking about it- but to feel the good and the bad as the days go by. of course i want fun- excitement , chemistry. all the amazing positives and excitement that comes with. it- but i will not settle for half ass ever again. i need full ass. i want the whole package. I know i can show up as the full package for someone else. i have done it already. The right person ? will know it when they feel it from me. I am aware its not oging to be easy- it never is- but it will never be as hard as my last 3 years were. because i will never again have to be someones emotional brain, teacher, or emotional identifier/explainer. working to change someones internal wiring. I did that out of love – but DAMN, do not reccomend. they “change” and then burn ya. I am stil lwaiting for explanations, to be treated with love and respect- for apologies that i am pretty damn sure will never happen because that takes awareness and actually tuning in. the man while engaged was able to have an affair w my mom in the hosptial and convince himself i ran in front of a bike instead of being worried about my concussion. this time its just my mental health, manipulation and whiplash – yet somehow its excused. How am i ever going to change that?…. not gonna happen.
lol i think some resentment came out in this post. i have began to shift from love and hope to resentment and anger for how i have been shown up for and treated. a decade is a long time ot decide not to love and treat someone w respect. all i know is- i am absolutely learning along the way and that feels so good. Processing is the healthiest thing i can do – so that i can be fully emotionally available to my life.